barefoot & barely lifelike
so currently i feel like i'm dying - not to be dramatic or anything - and it must be the man flu as it feels really realllly bad and all i wanna do is complain about it. ok now i also wanna complain about the fact that i'm wearing a nightie ... romper? jumpsuit? it looks like it should be for kids but it's an adult size M that fits my fat bod, so. it's teal colored and has a giraffe on it and r swore she'd never admit to knowing me if i bought it flom the second hand store we were in, so. obviously i bought it. ok that was a d-tour, the point was that i felt like complaining about wearing this romper thingy and having to pee. which i guess i'll go and do now (peeing, that is) and then i'll dive head first into describing the chaos that was this past weekend.
ok so not exactly head first as it's now the next day. a few hours ago L picked up w so i wouldn't have to go outside - you know, where the air hurts my lungs - so now i'm home alone. feels weird, man. i've eaten so much ice cream it should be considered a crime, yet my throat's still very unhappy. or maybe a hedgehog has taken residence in there, i'm not sure. anyway, L wasn't doing that great. apparently p is barely hanging on with the whole domestic-abuse-post -thing and the fucked up comments he got. i personally take great pleasure in knowing that he blocked the wicked witch of the k, i bet she's going maaaad not being able to yell at everyone anymore. but now, this past weekend.
friday was good. really good actually, even though i didn't get any sleep the night before. i got some cleaning done, took w out, ran through the store to get some soda for me and a and a few juice boxes (is that what they're called? idek) for j and hurried home to be here before the wolt guy (a ordered us food from kung food panda). a and j didn't stay for long, but it was delightful. he's such a clever little guy it blows my mind - "hey, um, perhaps you should pick up this little rogue so that i could put my feet down, please...?" he said, when he found it a bit too exciting having w sniff his toes under the table. he carried a few stuffed animals in a tied down pukey bag - i guess that's all a had to give him lmao - and chatted away like a charmer, until he announced that perhaps it was time for them to go. yes, he announced it. a just agreed. there was a buuunch of leftovers as a had ordered four boxes (i guess there was some kind of a deal going on), j is four so he didn't eat much, and since a is pregnant af, she didn't either. i took a shower, got ready and all that shizz, and! i stayed on schedule the whole time! i still can't believe it. i even made it into an earlier bus than i anticipated - i know??? jesus must be coming soon or something.
the play was ok. nothing super special, kinda short (only 45 mins) and kinda slow tempo. but i mean... seela sella was marvellous anyway. me and i looked like two very out-of-place witches in the theatre otherwise filled with middle aged people. after the show we took a bus to my place, feasted on the leftovers - not just the food from lunch, but also the booze from j&j's wedding. we had a lovely time, as we usually do. we just chatted about everything, got a bit tipsy (i'd say we probably had like. five shots and a few cans of long drink each, so nothing crazy. after all we both had things to do the next day) and i realized how much i've missed spending time with her. we talked about doing a movie night (she hasn't seen 'ladies of steel', seela sella is also in that one haha) a sleepover soon, to destroy the rest of the booze, and i'm really looking forward to that. ohh, and her bff j is also pregnant - if i recall correctly i said she's due in december - so we might start to hang out a bit more over all. even if i'm pretty much certain i don't want children of my own it still brings me comfort to have at least a few friends around who are also not in that ... idk, nesting phase in their lives.
needless to say, in the morning i was late from my initiated time of leaving. i had planned to leave at 9:45 the latest, but ended up leaving at like 10:25, and still needed to stop for gas. i had the rest of the leftovers (the food, not the booze lol) for me & my mum to have for lunch, and when we were done eating we drove to my sister's. they were still in their pyjamas, so. all the shame for being late immediately vanished. i ended up driving to helsinki with h & j - even tho it took them foooreeveeer to get ready and i almost lost my mind in the process. p picked me up from their hotel and it was nice to have a moment with just the two of us. we had to take a few d-tours as there were road blocks and shit, but we didn't mind. at k's place there were a few people i didn't know - and i was feeling weirdly unsocial. i might've even been a bit rude, which is very unlike me. usually i go around introducing myself and fake smiling and shit even if i don't feel like it, but this time i didn't. i just sat there. at one point i had a long and intense conversation about adhd (who would've guessed, right? lmao) with this one woman, and during that the amount of guests had more than doubled - i hadn't made a round when i arrived and there was no way i was gonna make one then. i figured out almost everyone's names by the end of the night tho. there were a few people i'd met before - ofc L, p and k, but also j, t, m, and a - and many i'd heard stories about.
at one point i found myself participating in a very disturbing and surprisingly heated discussion about bodily fluids. more specifically whether or not blood is just another kinda secretion/excretion (this was a fun googling trip as in finnish we only have one word for all of them), amongst booger and sperm and whatever, and if not, why? how about breast milk? two of the dudes were certain that blood was just another secretion as we 'produce' it as we do other stuff, but me and a few others fought a good fight. yeah, it was just as insane as it sounds - but the discussion just went on and on and on (google was prohibited then) and eventually became something the others lovingly teased me about, as i, pretty much right from the beginning, tried to put an end to it. whenever there was a slight chance, even the most bizarre segways were made in an attempt to re-open the convesation, and idk if i've ever yelled "no, nope! NO! we have talked about this!!" to that many strangers in just one night.
ofcourse L and p started to fight at some point - in one version L got upset because p gave away one of his shots during 'never have i ever' and in another one p got upset with L because she went to get coffee from the bar next door when the one we were in no longer served any. idk what really sparked it but L was pretty drunk and p was just tipsy enough to go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds when he felt that L was being unreasonable. the first bar we went to closed early (i think it was around midnight) and then we were all just awkwardly standing outside waiting for L to decide where she wanted to go next, but she of course was busy yelling at p... a few had already left when eventually someone else made the decision (p decided to # ragequit and go home but o ran after him and convinced him to stay), and we ended up in the batman. the rest of the night was both boring and eventful - a few times i found myself wondering, once again, how can it be anyone's idea of fun for everyone to just sit in a bar, on their phones, quietly drinking beer, while some shitty music is so loud that no one can hear a thing? i don't think i'll ever get it. but there was an 80's disco downstairs and even tho i don't usually dance, in a group it was actually quite fun - not that i'd call whatever i ended up doing 'dancing' per se, but you know.
the night ended with the ushers telling p and L they had to go because they wouldn't stop fighting, them getting into a cab together, L jumping out going into a full on 'i don't give shit' -mode, and the rest of us playing yahtzee (for some reason i had the jotter & dice in my handbag??) upstairs while she danced the night away with a bunch of randos. when the nightclub closed - 4:30am? - me and k talked L into coming at k's with us, when she was bugging j to share a cab with her so that she could go at p's (which none of us thought was a good idea - and i also felt sorry for j as he was clearly pretty done with L's bullshit and just wanted to take the next bus home) and yeah. never before have i stayed in a nightclub until the last call. nor do i plan to do so ever again, lmao.
i gotta admit though, the experience felt needed. otherwise i don't think i'd know how much progress i've (apparently) made! a few years back there's no way i could've even been there, around that many drunken people, in all that noise, and with everything going on. but the only anxiety i felt now was caused by the fighting and how it impacted the over all atmosphere and everyone's mood. i even told a guy off - when this one older man who smelled absolutely disgusting tried to pretty much force himself on us during our yahtzee game... so yeah. i was ok the whole time, and that's huge for me. not that i'd ever been that much of a party girl anyway, even without the trauma holding me back, but it feels really nice to know i've managed to leave a bunch of it behind.
on sunday we had a tiny intervention over brunch - we had decided to do it in the batman - and i could talk about that one for hours. but now i'm tired and my head is full of mucus and i just swallowed a bunch of pills and i just wanna ... not be conscious rn, so. i'm gonna both proof read this and continue on the intervention some other time.
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