Never Broken
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2022-09-28 11:16:08 (UTC)

S and the current state of things…

Ok, it’s time I bite the bullet and write a short entry on S. S and I met in 1990. We were both involved in a sporting activity and participated at the same training club. We did not really know each other there, as we did not really associate. S is 22 years older than I, so I knew her as another person who trained where I did, and she knew me as the same. In 1998, I was living with L, a guy I worked with. L and I had to move, as rent prices were astronomical and we could not afford to continue living where we were on our student incomes. When happening to go into a pet store, we ran into S and she explained that she had an extra room and we were welcome to move in for the sum of £400 a month. We did this.

S and I fell in love and married in January of 2001. It was not long after that I discovered that S was mentally ill. Her illnesses, borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder, made her very difficult to live with. I discovered that she had been on medication, which she had stopped taking as she didn’t feel she needed it, and this led to her acting in a disturbing and abusive manner. Things got so bad near the end of our time there, that I did not wish to go home. After work, on the way home, as L would drive, I would invariably be dealing with a panic attack. The racing “what if” thoughts I still remember to this day. If a person could imagine a catastrophic event happening to them or those they loved, I imagined it.

In 2002, I moved out. In the beginning, I did not want to divorce S, I only wanted a separation — a way to find it in myself to make my marriage work. I believe in the marriage vows and the institution of marriage and divorce was not something I would accept, even though I did not want to be treated in the manner I was being treated. During this time, Constance was my consolation. She kept me moving forward and always thinking about the positive, even though we had not met in person at this point.

By September of 2002, I had been served with divorce papers by S, which was fine with me. I wanted to try and make the marriage work, as I said, but S wanted everything her way and was not committed to the art of compromise. She would shower me with affection one day, and demonise me the next. As one could imagine, this was very confusing and yes, even scary. Our divorce was finalised just after the twin towers fell, but we vowed to stay friends. We did not fight about the divorce. I took my things back. She had hers and we both moved on.

Not living with S was much easier. In 2003, Constance and I fell in love and quickly were married. S and I remained friends, though being friends with her was not easy at times. She could be so kind and caring, and then turn into the friend from hell, as she would take revenge for a perceived slight. I am not declaring I was a perfect friend or that I was easy to live with. I was not and am not. I am a man of very rigid ideals, (autism spectrum), and my standards regarding the treatment of others are high.

Yes, there were bad times, but there were also good times. The occasional lunch or dinner together. Going to a movie or the dog show, etc. When I was seriously ill and needed to go to hospital, it was not Constance who went with me during that long night I’d rather forget, but S. Constance had to stay at home to take care of the animals and children.

In January of 2021, Constance and I moved into a flat. The rent on our house was getting quite steep and we could no longer afford to live there. Both of us had health challenges, and, when S needed a place to live that August, Constance and I decided that she could move in to our spare room. We would charge her a nominal rent, and in exchange for not being charged what the market value of the space was, she was to help us out with the cooking, cleaning and animal care when needed.

We were again moving in July of this year. I was looking for a place for the three of us whilst Constance was in hospital. I found the place, but of course, Constance died not long before I took possession, so she did not ever get to see it. I shall write more on S at a later time, but my eyes feel like someone is poking them with a hot spear, so I’m going to close for now.

Stay strong all,