miss mess

midlife implosions
2022-09-24 18:38:24 (UTC)

a first date years in the making

cam pulled out all the stops last nite for our date.

as i was getting ready to go, i felt like i was about to step thru a door, that i've always been on the side of "wondering" of. i've imagined what was on the other side. i've wanted what was on the other side. but...the door had always only been cracked, just enough to peek thru. and last nite, it was wide open to us.

when we arrived at our destination, i asked him if we could sit in the car for a few minutes. i just wanted to find some sort of slow motion feeling, for my ever racing mind, so that i could fully absorb the milestone we'd reached. i wanted to FEEL every moment of the fact that for the first time EVER in our time together, we were about to walk thru the doors of a public place TOGETHER. then as we got out of the car, i threw myself into his arms...just to be held for another moment to further absorb. then we kissed a slow, sweet kiss, and he looked into my eyes and said, "ready baby?"

connected, arm in arm, we walked into the place he'd chosen for us. there was music, lights, and a fog machine gave off an eerie, yet, romantic mood. we started at the bar, where he pulled my stool out for me. this place was on the fancy side...so the barstools were soft and plush. i scooted mine as close to his as possible, so that i could touch him and kiss him....and we did plenty of both, reveling in the fact that we had the freedom to do so. we were OPEN, REAL, UNHIDDEN. it was freeing in a way that i don't think i could find enough words to truly convey. i was giddy....unable to stop smiling...even smiling into the kisses we shared as we had our drinks.

we stayed for a couple of hours, just enjoying our newfound freedom, and listening to music as we talked and laughed. the underlying excitement was such a turn on....and every time our eyes met, it was like lightening bolts shooting thru us. its so crazy...for the years we've been together, our excitement was always stolen in the dark of the nite, hidden away. and to experience it on such a completely different level was a beautiful thing.

and then....he rented a hotel room. for four wonderful hours, we scrambled to connect our bodies in every concievable position, pulling each other as close as possible, never feeling like enough was enough, even tho it was so much MORE than enough. resting and talking in between, and then starting all over again. what this man has always done to me sexually is off any chart i've ever imagined in my life, and exceeds anything i hear from women i've heard stories from. it's like he's the magic authors imagine when they write love scenes in movies or books. he loves soft, hard, and more thorough than i even knew there WAS, before him. we slide together in delicious sweat, even with an air conditioner on. we create a heat that makes me feel crazed...starving...grappling, gripping, biting, tasting, flip flopping from one position to another, as if we are desperate to feel everything in every position at one time...which is of course, impossible, but in our heat...the impossibility does not exist...and we reach for it anyway. with him, i feel like an animal, in the most beautiful, primal way. with him....i have ALWAYS come completely out of myself, turned inside out so that everything feels ultra sensitive and raw and intense. i really wish i could find the words to convey what i'm trying to convey. it's not about the act of sex....it's about the hunger i feel him devouring me with, and what it DOES to me to feel his hunger. or rather how it UNdoes me. completely. until i don't exist for anything more that what i'm FEELING.

while we had the perfect opportunity to spend the nite together in that hotel room, on the king size bed we covered every inch of with our writhing, he knows that i'm not ready to spend a nite with him. that i may never be. but he didn't make any issue of this, so our perfect nite remained a perfect nite, when he dropped me off, took my face in his hands, called me by my full name (using my maiden name which will be mine again soon), looked me in the eyes, and said, "i never knew what happiness was until i loved you. i saw it in movies, i read it in books, but for ME, it was always just this thing that others had, and that i believed wasn't meant for me. but with you, i know it now...it's part of me because you love me. thank you for loving me".

it made tears come to my eyes, this dark, brooding knight of mine. if you knew cam...you'd know that he only speaks the truth. he doesn't waste breath on UNtruths. everyword he speaks, he means. it's part of what i've always loved about him...his brutal honesty, even when at times, it's hurt. but he'll never hurt you with a lie...it will always be the truth. and those words of his as i was about to get out of his car...were truth to the core. i believe every word. i've watched over the years, how light has come into his eyes when he looks at me...a light i never saw before we loved each other. i'm sad in a way that this beautiful man never found the happiness he deserves all his life, until he met me. i'm sad that he had to wait so many years and go thru so much turmoil, loving me when i belonged to someone else. i'm sad that loving me made him very lonely in very profound ways. but...i'm happy...that he's happy now. i'm happy to be the one to put that light in his eyes, and that happiness in his rare, tender heart. i've always thought that he's an absolute gift to me, but until last nite, i didn't realize the gift that "I" am...to him.

it's scary. and it's beautiful.




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