littleangel

kool tears and dreamz
2022-09-23 20:00:22 (UTC)

Loop

Today was weird. I'm weird.
It's the same feeling of desolation. I can't control my excitement.
Today I did not have any classes, and ended up watching a movie.
I visited a family member. I get over excited when I speak to other people other than my close circle. I hope I did not cause a bad impression.
Dad got a fine and he's really upset. I don't know how to keep calm either.
Also, I get nervous when speaking about politics 'cause it deeply upsets me. Maintaining my composure is ideal bc that's what adults should do.
I do not want to appear neurotic or shit like that.
I should try to sleep more and maybe meditate. It will help with regulating thoughts.
My mind is a machine. It runs and works so much all the time, it never stops and I just want to relax.
Working on my speech is also something I should do. But I can't do it when I'm tired or anxious. I'll just mutter nonsense.
I kinda had a fight with my doctor this Tuesday. I felt out of my mind and body, like I was possessed by a nasty demon. Maybe I'm exaggerating but that how I felt it went like.

I'm so tired of sitting and shutting up, biting my tongue and pretend nothing happened. That's why I have this diary, so I can write about all the things that bother me or amaze me.
Either you like it or not that is not its purpose. I want to be truthful to the diary. I want to be free from being silent and grey.

My parents, they love to make things complicated. I just want to dream....
Yesterday I told my mom I would love to have an antique car like the one we saw on the road when we were driving to a place. She said it would cost a lot to maintain. I know it, woman!
I did not say it like I'm going to buy the freaking car, I was just DREAMING.
Stop being so realistic!!!! Or a total buzzkill.
Everything is money, anything is bc of money. Money this, money that. Ugh! It's the only thing they can think about. That or work.
Work - money - Work - money - Work - money...
I get that she does not like her job, but humans can't only think about that. That is not life.
I focus on my work too. Sometimes, too much for my liking.

I'm telling you... Sometimes I just want to have a mental breakdown and cry for a month.
Would you like honesty? I fucking hate college. The only good part of it is the ambient, the nature surround it and the amazing view to the mountains. Other than that it absolutely sucks balls.
There were some classes that made me almost want to vomit my guts out. Is that course some kind of suicidal project bc it is not fucking funny.
Some classmates of mine also detested them.

It's the same fucking thing again. They expect you to sit down for three hours, listen, do some stupid ass exercises that bore the soul out of me and then you are free to go dumber than before.
I am still not over that teacher who likes to pick on me for no reason. It bothers me that I cant be invisible to those kind of teachers. I really which I just could turn invisible sometimes.
I NEED to do something while he's explaining stuff for class (that I couldn't care less). I think I've created a repulsion for long speeches.
I just want to write something... Why can't he understand that I NEED to write words on my notebook to not get distracted by other things outside the classroom? Sometimes I play with that broken hair tie, sometimes I draw on my hand or invent stories in my head.
I know I'm paying for the freaking classes but there are some I just detest. They're so unnecessary... for me.
Often, it's bc I don't like the subject being taught. Just like I did not like Geometry back in high school. I could not grasp it. I was so good at the other classes but, when it came to that one, I felt like a dunce.

I still want to dream about other things. I want to dream about my little farm.
I want to dream about about talking to friends. I want to dream going to places, calm and beautiful places. Memories alike.

Maybe I'm really just tired. My dreams have been haunting me, keeping me stuck into restless nights.

Why do I even do things? It does not matter anymore.
Dreams are dreams, after all...




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