rotten

yet another busy weekend ahead

these past days i've been watching a lot of the office. like, a lot a lot. i started from the beginning again and i'm already on season 5, episode 11... in like. i don't even know, foooour days? i think re-watching tv shows might just be my super power. sometimes it feels like time slows down and allows me to go through episodes 'quicker' than one should be able to - yet i don't even skip the intro song (because i love it). i do hate michael scott though, with a passion. i never feel pity for the character and i rarely find him funny, which i guess most people do, at least every now and then. i just can't stand him. it actually amazes me how i'm still capable of enjoying the show despite the lead's obnoxious nature. it's been a long enough while since i last watched it plus this is only my third run, so there's a lot of stuff i've forgotten and can now be entertained by again - like the moroccan christmas. and the speed hazard contest. and dwight's crossbow. and the amount of love i have for jim. and stanley. but mostly jim.

i was supposed to have guests tue-wed - a and j - but there was something going on with a's lab results and they wanted her to go in the next morning, so. i was pretty disappointed cause i haven't seen them in a long time and i really miss them, especially j - but then again i was a liiittle bit relieved too, as this way i could put off vacuuming for another day or two... yes i know, that's pathetic. but whatcha gonna do? (oh and a & j will do a quick visit tomorrow, so that's better than nothing.) i did end up vacuuming yesterday tho, as i felt like i had to - i'm losing my mind over the amount of dog hair that's literally everywhere. it's such a pain and i hate how it makes me feel overwhelmingly anxious. there's just SO much of it it feels like it's in no way humanly possible to get rid of all or even most of it. and tbh that might be the case. i can not fathom how that animal ain't bald yet - i swear i could've made at least two more dogs out of the hair she's shed during this past month. at least two! it's insane. almost as insane as how much it bothers me. tbf i'm pretty sure it triggers my OCD - which, with a few exceptions, i've lately been handling pretty okayishly. i guess i'm just not very good with things i don't have control over. what a shocker, right?

anyway, i've been tired as hell for quite a few weeks now. as if that wasn't always the case... but this has felt somehow different. like there's the regular tiredness that stems from 18 years of severe insomnia, then there's the long covid -tiredness that was a suffering i wouldn't wish upon even the worst of my worst enemies if i had any, and then there's the nice kind of tiredness one feels after like a good run or a swim or whatever. then there's the tiredness that has most to do with being socially active - the introvert's burnout, if you will - and the post-workday tiredness where my brain just mumbles at me "i did my best for hours on end now leave me alone you whore" and proceeds to shut down (which is usually followed by a dissociative episode, if i don't immediately leave the house or start preparing for doing so). now i bet i have tons more of these different types of tirednesses and i do realize i kinda got carried away with making the list but the point was that i've yet again felt a new kind of tired. i don't know how to describe this one. it's close to executive dysfunction - the greatest joy of adhd; when you want and need to do something, have the option, the time and energy to do it, when all the stars and the planets are aligned and the wind is just right, but nothing's still happening - but somehow there's more to it. and i mean i have managed to get things done during this tiredness phase, so it's not even like that, it's just. idk. perhaps it's a meds thing? probably, since the only way i can think to describe it is "feels weird man".

bo burnham's songs have been playing in my head on repeat today. i love the fact that we now live in a world where the background music for a video of a dog refusing to eat chips without queso dip can and probably will be bo burnham. it took us ten years but here we are! thanks tiktok! ohh damn, tiktok ... i should open it some day. my inbox there is so full i'll need like two fucking days to go through all the videos my friends - and my mum - have sent me. don't get me wrong my imaginary readers, i bet 90% of the stuff there is funny as fudge (not that fudge is particularly funny, but you know. funny as antti holma?) but it just feels like such a huge undertaking. and when getting started is the hard part, and everything takes up the same amount of energy and anticipation no matter how big or small of a task in question, it's just. a tad too much.

i'm having suuuper duper mixed feelings about this weekend. tomorrow i'm going to the theatre with i, and although i'm excited, it also kinda stresses me out. idk if it's because we haven't hung out that much lately, or like in a year, or if it's the logistics of everything - i haven't been to the Frenckell stage before, i need to figure out if i'll drive or take the bus and to where and when i do, i of course gotta take care of the doggo and i guess i should eat something at some point too, and well, the theatre is always a bit nerve wrecking palce to go with all those fancy older people around, so i'll have to make myself look presentable as well. i had originally thought i'd ask i if this would also be the night when she'd "help" me with the booze that was left over from j & j's wedding, but i might need to drive to to mum's pretty early on saturday, so i guess we'll have to reschedule that one. might've not worked out anyway as i understand i has a pretty eventful work day tomorrow plus drinking usually requires a sleepover - ok maybe require is too strong of a term, but it's just easier when no one has to commute late and while tipsy - and with my apartment still being a bit of a chaos and w shedding like crazy, i don't think i and her allergies would appreciate it either way. we'll see. a & j are stopping here for lunch on their way home from her sister's, so at least i'll probably get up at a reasonable hour.

on saturday i'll probably drive to mum's in the morning, leave my car there, drive with mum to my sister's place for L to then pick me up around 1 o'clock for her 40th birthday celebration. i guess i'll sleep over at k's (although i haven't asked her yet) and try not to die of my cat allergies lol, and then i'll hopefully get a ride back to my sister's before midday. i'm not sure what i wanna do though. previously listed is probably how it'll go but then i won't get to spend that much time with my mum and a, and i think i'd like to. i just don't know how i'd get to the party if i wanted to go later than when L could pick me up. i also realize it's an awful lot of socializing again, especially since there'll probably be, excuse my french, New People at the party. the horror! nahh but in all seriousness, i'm sure i'll end up enjoying my weekend either way - but i'll also be glad when it's over.

i (flipping finally) have my neuropsychiatrist's appointment on monday and i'm hoping to gain some clarity then, regarding my rehabilitation / therapy options and maybe my medication as well. i had my first ...occupational therapist(?)'s appointment on monday, and it was suprisingly lovely. not that i anticipated it to be anything else, but you never know with them health care professionals. i must've made a hell of a first impression though, as i burst out crying the first thing when i got in to her office space. i was so embarrassed. first of all i was late, for over ten minutes (all suprised folks please line up lol) and secondly, i was on the phone. with the receptionist of the psychiatric clinic, who was being a complete b... i was seriously frustrated to begin with as i've been handling the sick leave issues for like three months now, and yeah i don't feel like getting into it again here, so let's just say it didn't go very well. i ended up mumbling "mmmh okay then" and just hanging up, which is very unlike me - which only added to my pile of embarrassment. i proceeded to explain the situation and it was all okay, the occupational therapist lady was really nice about it and immediately placed tissues and fidgets on the table in front of me - i think she might have a legit amount of experience with the emotional outbursts of the neurodivergent, lol. anyway, i'm looking forward to the rest of the evaluation appointments (i guess there will be 3-5). i think occupational therapy might be what i'd like to apply for actually, like, instead of 'just' trauma/psycho therapy or cbt. of course there's still the psychophysical physiotherapy evaluation as well that might change things, but as of rn, i'm leaning towards the occupational.

ok it's about to be 11pm and i haven't eaten anything besides my breakfast yoghurt today, and i'll probably need to take w out to pee soon too. oh and i want to clean up a little bit for a and j - it's not that i think they'd care, it's always pretty messy there when i visit them, it's mainly just that i realllly like to use every drop of motivation my brain recognizes as some. ...ok i just went to pee myseld and realized i never actually executed my elaborate laundry plans, so i guess i'll be going to see 'Kauan kukkineet omenapuut' naked, or at least commando. shit. shit shit shit. shit fuck penis. forgive me in advance, seela sella.