Never Broken
2022-09-19 06:41:10 (UTC)


I confess to not having come in to write in a while and, for that, I am deeply sorry. You see, I often find writing to be cathartic and I also find it necessary for my own mental health, what little of it I have left. Yes, I do appear to inhabit Crazy Town at times and I am an expert in crazy, I’m afraid. Things are forging ahead. I am back to work, hating physio, etc, etc. I am going for my last physio appointment in a little bit, and for this, I am thankful. I have, however, one bright spot to note. I have reconnected with a friend I had a while back and haven’t been in touch with for years. Ok, let me back up a bit.

This friend, her name is Carrie, she and I were friends about 10 years ago. We met on a phone chatting system, which I know most of the younger folks will be unaware of. We really got on and her husband and my C also got on, so it was a good bit of craic. About three years ago, I found this person on Facebook and friended her. I did not know, had no way of knowing, that it was the same person…my friend Carrie. You see, I have a severe vision impairment and the little sight I have left is hard for me to use for things like reading print or looking at photos as I get severe headaches. So I do not use it for looking at photos very often. I use a screen reader built in to my phones and tablets to type, manipulate text and even help me take my own photos. Anyhow, I finally worked up the nerve, I’m a bit shy when it comes to certain types of communication, and so it took me ages, to send her a message about a book. You see, I had wanted to send her a message for a while, because her interests, and those of her husband, so closely align with mine that I wanted to get to know them better. She asked if a particular book about Irish republicanism was available in the United States where she lives. She asked this question on Facebook and was told, by the author, that it was not available. I told her, she is also blind, that I had it in audio and would be happy to Drop Box it to her. I did this after consulting the author who is a personal friend of mine. So now that I had a reason to send her a communication, I did, and that’s when I found out she was my old friend Carrie. I sent her a voice message on Facebook and she said in reply,

“Dev? Is that you? Is that Dev?” Carrie and I have shared many laughs over the past few days and many tears. I am planning on taking a trip to Texas to see her and her husband either before, or after, I pick up my puppy.

She has recently endured a loss as well. Her beloved sister past away, so I am sad to report that she understands many of the things I am feeling and thinking right now…. But, I digress.

I am worried about my little Terrier dog. He battled a minor tooth infection, which seems to have cleared, but he is not interested in his raw dog food, only in human food. He goes through periods like this and they always bother me. That, however, is not my main concern. My main concern is the matter of his panting during mild activity when he used to not do such things. It is not overly hot, in fact is on the moderately cold side of 12 degrees, about 52 for the Americans. He is 14 and has a bad thyroid but is otherwise healthy. I am worried that he might be getting the congestive heart failure or have some other serious medical problem. It is possible that the tooth infection could have travelled to his heart. In fact, I feel like the worry is eating me alive right now. That’s all I can think about. All I can concentrate on. I cannot afford to lose someone else I love this year. I cannot deal with it. I know when he dies, I will want to crumple up in a ball and die myself. Like my Constance, this dog is my everything. I have no finances or we would be making a trip to the veterinarian. I am thinking of asking a friend if I may borrow the funds and pay him back when I get paid. Failing that, I can ask SThe Evil Witch. Yes, I mean my ex-wife who lives the dog as much as I do. Speaking of the Evil One, we have gotten on remarkably well over the past few days. She hasn’t been kind to me, but she hasn’t been unkind, either. I can deal with that.

If anyone reads this, please say a prayer, send good thoughts, healing energy or however you believe you can influence the universe, for one very special 14-year-old dog who helps one very tired, mentally and physically hurting, PTSD stricken 42-year-old in Belfast.