TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2022-09-12 18:30:43 (UTC)

Fragmentation (Part Two)

When I was very young I was in a car wreck that I shouldn't have survived due to irreversible TBI. I was taken to the hospital, examined and deemed perfectly fine. I've always wondered if there was damage done that went unseen. Children are often surprisingly resilient in terrible accidents and injuries. Luck, Fate, God, call it what you want. I've considered seeing a neurologist and having a scan. I have struggled with balance and coordination my whole life, my dad would hit me in the head a lot. Emotional trauma changes your brain chemistry. So does grief. Spending to much time in a heightened state and flooded with cortisol isn't good for anyone. Then I think, if they were to find something it's likely to late. Any real injury has healed. All scar tissue now.
I see that this is also true for my mental state. The real injury was long ago. It's all scar tissue now. When I speak of my sexual and physical trauma (which I don't aside from here) I seem to often view it with some clinical lens. It is an injustice but I don't feel the injustice as I used to. In a sense this could be fragmentation, or I have reached a point where it's all objective and revealing the why it happened brings it all to an end.
I can acknowledge it without it being center of my life. It skewed my sexuality. I think it always will. No matter where and who I find myself with I will remember with part regret and parts pleasure. I don't shame myself for how my child self was stimulated. Not anymore.
Was my dad just evil? Maybe.
Was he a fucked up kid? Most definitely.
I think if he were here I might get brave enough to sit him down and say "tell me your story." Because his story created my story. The thread has weaved through my life.
So now I tell my own story. It's very different from his, especially now.
Chaos will come again. It comes for all of us, that sudden hard punch to the gut and down we go.
We get back up or we die. Metaphorically or more.
I keep getting up. It might be stupid.
But it's my story to keep telling.
-TM




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