No factory reset
I’m lonely. I can’t be satisfied by a familial interaction. I wouldn’t feel better from surface level school interactions. And I don’t feel cheered up by faceless online chattering.
I am lonely.
As I come home from school. I am lonely as I lie in bed wondering what is worth doing. I am lonely while I contemplate what I can do make myself feel worse.
I am alone where I sit in the middle of the church pews waiting for my family to leave because I have no one to wait with. I am alone in the middle of a classroom full of people.
But those are my fault. If I weren’t so shy, I’d be better with these things. Even someone who has low self esteem can make friends. I just haven’t. And I don’t intend to either. I’m tired enough just sitting through classes. It tires me out, makes my mood swing, my heart pound. And it makes me feel ugly, though I am just human.
Those people around me don’t feel human. They seem short and very tall, loud and silent, they are not looking at me, have never seen me, do not know me. And I don’t know who they are. And I’m scared to be around all of these strangers.
I want my feelings throughout the day to take on a physical form. I don’t just want to experience ups and downs mentally, emotionally. I want this body, that is an innocent bystander to everything in my life and simultaneously the main culprit to all my problems (it’s not, I’m just insecure AND afraid of failure, but someone has to take the fall and bullying myself in my head has gotten old), to hurt and be uncomfortable.
It’ll be because of me, the girl of my thoughts, and not because of a whole institution of strangers who don’t know me.
I want my body to be a slave to me, and not the other way around.
I won’t eat to feel better. I won’t binge YouTube videos to feel better. I won’t talk to people unnecessarily. I feel tired just thinking about it. I’m thirsty.
I want this body to starve.
I’m often too weak for the idea, switching up last minute and offering up the fact that nobody deserves to starve. Of course no one deserves to, but that doesn’t mean i care about that for myself.
I’ll cut it down. Water based appetite suppression is real. Refraining from asking is the main task. Refraining from taking it anyway is another. I’m not joining some tumblr community to do what I want. I’m not exercising for this. I’m not telling anyone I know about It.
Gonna deteriorate and hurt and hunger. But be nice. Be nice and good to family. Be good at church. Be good at school. Do homework. Clean up after myself. Stay off social media. Listen to some liminal tunes.
Look in the mirror? The emotional response received from doing so may be negative.
I am not this body and I never will be this body. I will be the actions and creations of this body. The interactions and the friendships and love and interests of this body. But I will never BE this body. It is the creation of my parents and has nothing to do with me.
But I remain trapped inside of it. My throat feels hot.
Perhaps I’m vain (going down this path again…) but I don’t like this body.
Nothing I could do right now interests me. Nothing I SHOULD do right now interests me. I’ll bet this is how I almost failed my semester last year. Just stopped wanting to feel better. Starting wanting to feel worse, at least on my own terms. I wish they hadn’t taken away those blade things. They were the best I had. Scratches don’t help me now.
I don’t feel real outside of this home. Unseen unheard unknown. I don’t feel good when I’m away from family. Alone. I often feel that I have some sort of face paralysis at school, but I’m just stressed by my environment with no reason to be happy because I am not home and there are no distractions for me to escape to.
This is my own fault. I’m too fearful.
What right have I to complain?
I digress. I have homework I need to do. But I don’t feel like doing it. I need to take a shower, but I don’t feel like getting up. Laziness. I thought sleep would make me feel better. It didn’t. And the dream was confusing and slightly scary. What am I doing with my life. I just don’t understand what the purpose of all these stupid, insignificant feelings is.
I’m tired of it I’m so so so so tired Of it and I don’t know how to stop it from happening.
I don’t know how to stop being affected. I don’t know how to stop overreacting. I don’t know anything. But what I do know is that I’m tired and it doesn’t seem to matter at all.
I feel like throwing up. I have to go again tomorrow. It’s not even the work. Or the teachers. I wish they’d stop talking to me too.
I wish I were sick so I could just stay home.
Home is supposed to be a safe haven where I can feel better and heal and recuperate emotionally. But looking in the mirror is just a reminder of everything. I don’t like my face. I really really really reallly don’t like my face. Just thinking about how much I hate having it would bring me to tears it makes me so frustrated and mad and sad to be so helpless about it. I don’t believe that people are ugly, since beauty is a random societal standard and people have their own preference, clearly. I’m even more against setting those sorts of standards on not even grown children, but I seriously cannot get over this and all that passes through my mind when I see my face in public is thoughts of suicide and self destructive actions.
I’m tired tired tired of seeing it tired of this body tired of school days tired of being around loud people tired of bright ceiling lights tired of crowded hallways and lunch rooms tired of sleeping for no reason and getting nothing from it tired of writing all of this meaningless stuff down (I always forget how I’ve felt. And say it wasn’t that bad. Everything I’ve felt downplayed because it was only temporary I just don’t want to do this anymore i feel so bad).
It’s all too much. And I don’t know what to do about it because my parents don’t care, not really. Between my education and my feelings, what is the first priority? It’s clear enough.
I know I’m making a big deal out of it. But I just can’t help but feel this way. If I could help it I would never choose to.
Why can’t I just lose consciousness.