Slowly descending into madness
2022-09-16 00:04:12 (UTC)

Jerry's vulnerability and more

I got to know a guy. He's really nice. I said to him, "You sound like someone for whom I don't have to choose between being loved and being seen." He said that's the best compliment anyone's ever given him. And I told him, that's the best compliment I've ever given someone. Then I tell him, "I'm really in a vulnerable place right now. Please do not take advantage of me."

I don't know if it's the weather. I don't know if it's the vulnerability. He says something and it breaks me. I don't remember the last time anyone was nice to me. I'm stuck with the words "God doesn't like me". I'm on the verge of killing myself. If anyone is nice to me, they're just enabling it. It's probably the weather. It's so fucked up. I'm supposed to work, I'm supposed to analyze two financial trends; and I'm here crying my eyes out because the world hasn't been a nice place. All I ever do is hide and try not to break down. With everything, everything that's been going around. It's the period, right? It'll pass, probably. Or It'll get worse. It worsened from time to time. I keep an inhaler in my bag just in case I want to breathe, I've ruined my own lungs with my own hands. So did Anika. We both ruined ourselves over someone who does not give a fuck about us.

Jerry and I were supposed to spend time together, this Wednesday. Unfortunately, we both got sick. Sometimes all I ever think about is her. Not in a romantic way, in a "I'm concerned for her, she's ruining herself in a way."

We both got to know each other somehow. She was madly in love with Josh, then she found out, last year around this time, Josh had a thing for me. She's moving on, I always tell her, I got so jealous when I heard Josh was sort of dating her. Because she deserves better, preferably someone like me. I love her a lot. She's really childish and in a lot of pain, just like me. I want to cook for her and take care of her in a platonic way. She agrees with me about josh, always, all the time, and we laugh. Then we joke about how misogynistic and homophobic that man is. I told her, "I feel like he took advantage of me because I was really vulnerable at that time, I was looking for a friend to turn to. I wasn't looking for any man. I feel like he sort of manipulated me". And she says she feels the same. Right after her breakup with her ex-boyfriend, he kissed her, and she fell for him, and the rest is history. Now she feels disgusted about the same thing as me, "How tf did I let him do this to me?" The difference is, I never fell for Josh and she did.

It's the same thing over and over again. The girl is vulnerable, man takes advantage. It's different this time. It was me last year, this year it's Jerry. The story is always the same. Every year, the story will be the same. Because the man isn't capable of getting someone who's not vulnerable. The man likes the fact the girl is unhinged, he knows he can get away with it. "Oh, I'm doing everything with consent." No wtf, you're asking her to kiss you again and again and again until she breaks. You wanna make yourself look like the superior guy for being there for her, you're an asshole. I don't know why I'm so fucking angry right now. But this is all pent up anger. And it's not just him, it's everyone else like him. I know quite a handful of men like him.