Slowly descending into madness
2022-09-14 02:49:53 (UTC)

Burning bridges

"you're a hard soul to save
With an ocean in my way
But I'll get around it"

These are the words of a very favourite song of mine: over the love of you by Florence. This song came out with the movie The great Gatsby back in 2012, as far as I know. I'm not sure. Florence is a very good artist. You can hear the agony of not being able to save neither herself nor her lover in her voice. I first listened to this song back in 2013. I'm an early matured child in every way possible (I started talking when I was 9 months old, I learned how to read when I was 3 years old, in fact I was a member of a local library, my first stage performance took place when I was 4 years old, so yes every way possible) I could understand what she was talking about in the first instance. However, now that I listen to this song, it reminds me of 2013. I was happy, in retrospect. I remember, reading wimpy kid series that I borrowed from Mooshda, listening to a lot of music, solving a lot of math problems, watching tv series......overall just leading a normal life.

Am I leading an abnormal life now? Yes. I have a very fast-paced life now. It's good in a way, I don't text penguin because I feel lonely or bored. But I also am not getting tiny bit of sleep. Just an hour ago, Sushmit bhaia assigned me to a new thing to co-ordinate. I hate leading/co-ordinating anything. I'm not a leader person. I'm very impatient and short-tempered.

I'm slowly becoming his spawn. Do I like it? I don't actually care as long as I'm getting paid. We have a very normal platonic relation which I like. I lack platonic relationships and friendships. So I guess that's nice.

Speaking of platonic relationships, I lost June. As in, lost the friendship in August. How do I feel losing my closest male friend? I'm just glad it didn't end one of us falling for each other and confessing. However, it involves much more complex story that has betrayal in it. That ain't good either but always better than your friend of opposite gender confessing for their love for you kek. Anyway, I'm okay with losing friends, it was becoming bothersome to maintain friendship.

I lost another friend, hopefully. That's my ex boyfriend I had been friends with for over 6 years. This ending was inevitable because I've been begging to him to end this for 3 months at least. Every day I told him, I don't want to be friends with him and another day started with him ignoring my plea. Like a normal person, I can't just block someone and ghost them. I have to end everything in a very sophisticated way. It took 2.5 months but it happened. How do I feel? HAPPPPPY.

At first I told him that, penguin doesn't like the fact that I'm friends with him. Which is true. But what's also true is that I don't give a shit what penguin thinks. A part of me probably is influenced by his insecurity and what he expects of me but I also have my own problems with Tazim. The problem began because we literally have generational and cultural differences. He makes me want to puke my stomach out with the stories he has to tell about themselves. I'm 23 y/o, I've seen a lot of bullshit that people do. But these are way too much for me to take. He told me stuff like he was falling in love with this one person, while dating another person, and then mistakenly had sex with the other person's roommate, Idk how these things even work, but I have other stuff to do than saving a fuckboy. I'm done being manic pixie dream girl. More importantly I'm tired. Can't go on validating this shit while managing 3 other part-time jobs and a research paper. I don't even know this person anymore, he doesn't have one good quality. So, when he drunkcalled me again, I told him I don't want to talk to him for the umpteenth time and it worked this time. Man blocked me and good riddance.

It's also been one good year without my hujur bestie or should I say ex bestie. I didn't know how light it feels to break toxic friendships. Most importantly I forgot how it extremely manipulative he was and pretty much ruined my mental health. I can clearly measure the differences now.

I miss penguin. Am I mad at him? yes. Am I happy without him? no. Are these contradictory? yes. But I'm willing to forget the bad parts because the good parts are really good. I actually believe I can be happy if he's around without killing myself overworking. But I'm scared of taking the first step. What if he doesn't feel the same? and it's not even like he's good as a concept. He's good in person as well. Wish he wasn't though.