Not all who wander…
While living with my mom for a couple of weeks I relearned how to manage food. I grew up skinny and eating a lot of really healthy foods. My husband grew with wonderful rich foods and lovely dinners, but somewhere there was an excess and hasn’t let go of it. He is also a chef and loves to have control of the kitchen. But I remembered from watching my mom just how to be resourceful with food. It’s like it’s just one big long meal to her, the sides ever replenishing and switching out until they are gone. Only the main course is new and if it is not fully eaten it too becomes a side for lunch or dinner. And the other thing she does is insist on everyone eating together; breakfast, lunch and dinner. But there is grace, you are too tired to get up? It’s ok, you can have breakfast later. And there was grace for her too, mealtimes were never on the dot and could vary by a few hours. Oh and you never have to eat everything on your plate. It’s this sing songy way of life and it works, it really does. And if anything doesn’t quite fit into this pattern, well there is grace for that too. For instance my husband doesn’t get up in enough time for breakfast. Coffee, shower, out the door. I have felt guilty that I’m never able to feed him. Yes, he also could feed himself. But he doesn’t. I realized I like to have a little something with my coffee, like toast. What if I put a little yogurt (which he loves) in front of him with his coffee in the morning. So that’s my plan for tomorrow. Yogurt with strawberries and coffee.
Also (editing to add so I can look back and remember) she constantly talked over food with whoever would listen. Often at night before bed talking about the meals for the next day. She never started a day without a plan.
My brother and I did end up fighting on messenger. I was done with the conversation when he said I was a liar. I don’t lie. And if he had thought about it for 30 seconds he would have seen that I wasn’t lying, but all he heard me say was that he was wrong and suddenly I must be lying. Anyway, I blocked him in messenger after that. He doesn’t get to go on there and start telling me how everyone attacks him any longer. It’s a weird vicious cycle. He attacks us so we react, sometimes not well but mostly we are just shielding ourselves from being attacked by him, and then he goes “see how awful you are to me” and we say because you were awful to us and he says “I was only awful to you because you were awful to me”. It’s crazy. He doesn’t see his behavior. He has problems with every single person in this family because of his attitudes and he can only see it as we must be a bad family. Yet the rest of us all get along and love each other and never fight even when we disagree. I wish so much I could pull my brother into the light.