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2022-09-11 18:56:00 (UTC)


Why agree to do something so unimportant when there's so much to do. Why get sidetracked when there's no time to do so.
Living. Feels a bit strange right now. A lot of bitter things. Face. Body. Actions. Time. Procrastination. Unwillingness and laziness. Mixed in with the sweet. Potential future. Family. Body. Possible achievements. Music. And I don't know what to make of any of it. And it occurs to me that all the things I find so bitter and negative are things about me, or things I do. I really just don't like myself I guess.
Would I like me more if I followed a strict routine?
Would I like myself more if I simply ghosted interactions and focused on deadlines?
Would I like me more if I abandoned entertainment as a whole given that it feels so unproductive?
When does that easy feeling get to come to me? When do I get to feel content with my body and who I am and what I've done? When can I be the one to stand with better posture and better habits and more confidence? After I've cut myself off from any indulgence?
I need balance. It's always either me wanting to go off the deep end and make myself feel pain and unhappiness or me deciding to abandon my entire premise saying I'll kill myself anyway or something I won't actually do.
Just to be lazy.
I feel so nasty right now.
I feel like I'm holding myself back.
I feel like doing nothing.
I feel like I'll never be finished catching up.
I feel like I'll never want to make time for friends.
Can't make time for school. for family. for friends. only for me. and my selfishness has gone far past what I thought it would. selfish to the point that it's working against me.

i gotta go to the bathroom.
how do i stop doing what im doing.
stop getting distracted. stop getting caught up in a single feeling. stop looking for motivation. stop trying. just do? im tired just thinking about it.

i feel very bad right now.
those two items i need done are due the day after tomorrow. but i really really really

I'm not listening to music for the rest of this week.
exercise? a movie? a whole bible lesson? what do you think i am? a good prioritizer?
I'm not listening to any music for the next week. I'm spending my time listening to white noise and reading or working. I'll get to work on the civics thing. That's all I think I'm ready for or even able to get any progress on tonight. Music only makes things worse, I fear. My face and my body and my reflection and everything about me that is external are things that have nothing to do with me henceforth. The actions I make in the future will all be like what's written here.

exercise shower teeth pick clothes sleep wake up get ready dont break an ankle go to school work come home eat work repeat
reading something watching something (show or movie) sleeping

I feellike throwing up

im going to blank out