miss mess

midlife implosions
2022-09-08 23:08:37 (UTC)

he's gone

oliver moved out yesterday.

tuesday nite was hard....it was his last nite here, and i FELT like i should say "something"...anything, to mark that fact...but i just couldn't do it. in the end, i said "goodnite" to him, like it was any other nite, and i went to bed. and i cried myself to sleep.

this has been a roller coaster of emotions. it's not that i didn't want him to go. i DID want him to go. we've been preparing for this for months. BUT STILL...it's been alot of emotional preparation, to end all the years we've been together, and as it wound down...it got...very quiet and weird. neither of us knowing what to say...."goodbye" hanging very heavily in the air.

then yesterday morning when i woke up...i saw things in the house that have irritated me for years. the way he leavesthe pillows on the couch a mess when he gets up and goes to bed, the way he drips coffee all over the counter when he pours a cup and never wipes it up, the way his shoes are on the livingroom, where i've tripped over them in the dark many a time. i saw all these things...petty things...akin to what most husbands and wives find irritating in their spouses...but live with anyway. but yesterday when i saw them all, i realized....it would be the absolute LAST time that i'd see them all. ABSOLUTE....LAST....TIME. and stupid as it sounds, that made me cry again.

as i pulled out of the driveway to go to work, i saw his car there, and cried...yet again...most of the way to work. it would be the last time i'd see the car there too. all day at work, i felt a heavy sadness. a life DISMANTLED...is hard. we've spent months dismantling and taking apart things we built together, and getting ready to go separate ways. no matter how much we both knew it was the right thing....it was still deeply sad and very hard. i worked, with constant reminders in my head that while i was working, he was packing up his part of this house, and moving out. i knew when i left work and headed home...he would not be there.

and he wasn't. i walked the quiet rooms of the house, looking at the empty places where he'd taken things and packed them off to his new house. i went outside in my back yard, and stood looking at the house from the outside, and i had the weird feeling of being on the outside of myself as well....watching myself absorb the fact that i was finally "alone". he would not be coming home. at all. this is no longer his house. it's my house. and the impact of that REALLY set in. everything is up to me now. i felt panicked...lots of doubt swirling in my head...."can i do this?" "can i keep this house?" "will i be okay?" "am i gonna measure up to everything i've been saying that i WANT to be?"

it felt like someone threw a heavy coat on me. i could feel the weight of responsibility in a way i haven't yet. i could feel the fear of it. the pressure to now create the life i've been saying i want so badly. the coat....is everything i've been saying i want....independence, being alone and having NO ONE to answer to, but myself, being free to learn to live a life that feels authentic to me, because i'm not living it to please anyone else. here it all SUDDENLY is. right here, at my feet. and it's terrifying! this coat that is wrapped around me is beautiful. it's everything i wanted....but it's not comfortable yet. it needs wearing in. it needs softening. right now...it feels stiff and heavy.

i supposed anything new...can be uncomfortable at first. things have to be gently broken in. i have to learn to wear this newfound independence, instead of feeling afraid of it. and i WILL. i have to. but honestly, i didn't expect to feel so taken aback by it. i didn't expect to feel it like a huge weight suddenly thrust upon me. i've been so busy hacking down trees, trying to see that forest beyond it, that when i was suddenly thrust into the forest thru the stumps of the last trees....i felt like i was standing there in a completely new place, out of breath, with no idea what to do next. and the truth is...that's EXACTLY what this is.

i need to catch my breath. i've been operating in survival mode, trying to get thru the breaking down of a marriage, while trying to also start a new life. i've been going full speed head....and i'm exhausted and out of breath. i need to catch that breath. and then...figure out how to maneuver in this new beautiful forest. i feel as if i'm standing in the dark, and can't yet see what is in front of me clearly. but eventually, the light is gonna stream down thru the trees....and a path will be lit. and i'll start walking it....with the intention of finding what i've been saying for years that i want to find before i die. a happiness that has always alluded me. i'm going to find it...i'm going to LIVE it.

but right now...in the dark, i'm still feeling my way thru the sadness of this finality. it's HUGE. sometimes i thought this place im in right now...would never come. and here it is. even if i'm frozen and unsure what to do within it, just yet. when you've wanted something so bad, for so long, and have had to go thru so much pain to make it happen....it's overwhelming when you finally stand in the MOMENT of it COMING TO BE. parts of me want to curl up in a ball and sob. other parts of me want to run with my arms open and feel my new world with glee. emotions are very conflicting at the moment. but i do KNOW...that the sadness will give way to something positive for this new beginning. i know that the "excitement" is waiting still....to come alive and take over. my heart is doing exactly what it needs to do....feeling its way thru this HUGE CHANGE, without denying anything that i feel. i don't want to drag alone, feelings that i stuff down and create "baggage" with. i want to feel my way thru them...and move beyond them.

i am sad for whats been lost. but i'm going to remind myself of what i'm left with. which is MYSELF. this is my last chance to find what i've always felt missing. i'm not young. this starting over stuff at my age, is a bitch. i can't do this again. i have to get this right. any move i make from here on out, needs to come from a place of authenticity inside me, and not be something that anyone else wants of me. this is MY life. this is my chance to get it right by me, and not anyone else. and it's my last chance. i'm on the stage...the curtain is rising...its showtime, and i've got to show that i'm made of all the things i've been saying i want to be.




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