Gentleman ♀

Locked Up For The Wrong Crime

Hey, [TW self harm]

So, anyone who's been reading my entries for more than maybe a week will know, I used to cut. Not sure why I did it but I did. I used to scrape the little plastic blockers off of a cheap eyebrow razor and do a few on my shoulders. Well, I guess there's a razor missing from the bathroom and the CAT of all creatures scratched me so now my mom thinks I'm cutting again but on my wrist. I feel at a loss for words. She will not believe that the cat scratched me. I mean, I guess that's the excuse I used before but do I really look that stupid that I'd use the same excuse that got me caught before? This feels ridiculous. I even offered to show her proof! Hailey watched me get scratched by the cat and knows that it was unusually deep. I told her to just ask Hailey but she didn't. I also offered more proof in the form of my texts with Kiarra. As soon as it happened I texted her "wanna see what happens when you try to make a fat cat exercise?" and sent her a photo of it. Now my mom wants to do a full body search on me and I don't know what the hell to do. The funniest part, I did cut a few days ago, but in completely unrelated circumstances. I disassembled a pencil sharpener and used that blade to cut on my hip. I swear to god, how did she "catch on to" a completely fake story but not catch me irl? This is so ridiculous! Whatever.

Idk if I told you but my dad has covid rn. When I got home from school he was literally like laying in bed and crying and my mom was trying to see if I thought we should take him to the hospital or if he was just being a man baby. But yep, he's got covid, my mom did the test. I swear to god though, I've been trying so hard to not get sick from him without being rude. I stayed 6 feet away from him, I barely went in his room, but I gave him ONE hug and now I have a runny nose. I swear to god if I'm sick rn I'm gonna kill someone and it might just be him.

Shit. Shit shit shit! Holy fucking shit!!! I don't know what the hell just happened. I wanna fucking crawl in a hole and die right now. So my mom came home from work and interrogated me again but she found the ONE cut I'd made in the past year and now she's telling me that she's gonna check my room weekly, do a body check daily, and check me before and after I take a shower. Two years ago I'd carved "MEAN" and "BAD" into my hips and now she's flipping out. The first thing she asked me was "which one of your friends does this?" like I'm doing it to be cool or some shit. Then, after I said nobody, she asked me who I showed! Like she thinks I'm trying to convince my friends to do that! She must think I'm some terrible bitch, wouldn't she!? To think that I'd try to get my friends to hurt themselves!.. God, I'm in such deep shit. I guess she has a counselor scheduled to see me in like a month. She's also gunna get me and her family counseling I guess. God do I hate my life right now. WHat the hell do I do? She hates me! I'm sooooo fucking dead! And she's all mad that I'm not bawling my eyes out or something. I swear to god, I'm not going to pity myself over some stupid overdramatic thing I did when I was 12. Fuck...

She acts like she's the expert too. Like she knows everything there is to know about this sort of stuff. And yet she's all like "Imagine how this makes me feel" or "now I'll be constantly stressed out and worried about you" and other shit like that. Like she's the fucking victim here! I'm not saying that I am since I know I did this to myself but it's certainly not her either. Now I'm gonna have to look her in the eyes knowing that she knows. This fucking sucks. And she's yelling at ME about it! That's not how you're supposed to handle this shit! It only makes me feel worse! I still have razors on me that she doesn't know about and she's lucky I don't have a death wish 'cause if I did I'd be cutting again right about now. She can kiss my ass for all of this. She's the one crying and she's the one who's suffering most here. What the fuck? Hailey better not get into this 'cause mom sucks at being sympathetic. She's too angry about this shit and even too angry to admit that she's too angry. She comes back into my room crying and apologizing and hugging me and leaves screaming at me over and over. I just want to go to sleep right now. Maybe being unaware for a bit'll help... Goodnight I guess, pray for me!

~ Gentleman