Gentleman ♀

Things I Just Realized I Should Probably Talk To My Therapist About

Hey,

This paragraph or two was technically supposed to be posted before the last entry but obviously, I was kinda interrupted and it got deleted so I'm just rewriting it now. So I guess I've been thinking about Vinny again lately... If you're new to this whole situation I'm not going to re-explain the whole thing again (maybe I'll make an entry re-capping the whole story sometime) so I'll just say really quickly that this is not a crush thing, he's more like a brother. -discontinued-

Goddamnit! It's literally the second week of school and I'm already crying over math. My teacher's giving us 28-40 problems per night and some of them are multiple choice. I just find math so boring and hard and I don't understand it. At this point, I can't even think of math without getting emotional and now that my mom's getting all mad at me about it I can't so much as LOOK at a number without tearing up. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm even tearing up as I write this. Around an hour ago I just couldn't handle it and I cut myself again. Nothing serious, just a few little cuts on the hip, but I still just can't believe it got that bad. I guess my mom's having my teacher find time throughout the day to teach me the things I don't understand, so that's lovely.

What the fuck??? I literally hate myself right now. Throughout all of my middle school years, kids have been barking at me in the halls and yelling emo at me and asking me dumb questions to embarrass me and messing with me in so many other ways. In my mind it was just that, just messing with me. But according to my mom, they're not just doing it out of self-entertainment and they think I'll play along, they're all picking on me. I mean, I always thought they were annoying but I didn't think they were actively trying to make me feel bad about myself. What the hell is wrong with me? And in the store today my mom was asking me if I ever noticed how people stared at me because of my hair and makeup... I don't know what to do. Why all of a sudden do I feel like the world hates me. How was I so idiotic before that I didn't even notice? How am I gunna know who's messing with me and who's being genuine now? I feel so lost... What do I do?

And just to top it off, I realized how annoying and overwhelming I am to some, if not most, people. Sometimes I'm half asleep but other times I'm practically about to explode. It's like I can't control myself. I feed off of other people and I act how they act but with my own personal twist. If we're being quiet, I'll be quiet, if we're fake arguing, I'll get louder, if we're playfully making fun of each other, I'll jokingly play along and add to the jokes. If I think we're playing, I'll continue the game. That's my biggest flaw. I don't know when to stop, because if I stop, they'll notice how loud I really was and they'll know I regret being so loud and being loud is practically who I am and I DONT KNOW ANYMORE! Like Vinny. I thought we we're just joking around but he was really mad at me and after he exploded on me we barely talk. Athena too, at Aris party we were joking around about how she messed up my nice makeup and I kept making jokes about how she was "my least favorite person here" but she eventually honestly thought I hated her and honestly asked me why. Same with Zach now. Me and Noah have been messing around with him at lunch and calling him a "furry" because he "hates furries" (like- it's 2022, not all furries fuck animals, you idiot!) and we were all laughing like it was fun and games 'till he said how he never wants to sit with us again and all that. We're all good now but I'm really not happy with myself right now...

Wtf is even happening today? It's two days later and I'm back doing my late math homework. Yay... And guess what happened? My dad literally called me an asshole for taking a break from my math. What about taking a short break while doing something unenjoyable and stressful is asshole-like? He's just being an ass 'cause he can. I seriously can't take this anymore. I haven't done more than a problem since my last break and I already can't even look at it. It's like whenever I try my brain fogs up and won't let me do it. I hate how goddamn lazy I am. I wanna say I'm not lazy but I can't. I suck at forcing myself to do anything and I have zero motivation for no reason. At this rate, I'm gonna be a homeless wreck as an adult. No friends, bad education, and too lazy to get off my park bench and find a job.

I should probably go to sleep now, goodnight!

~ Gentleman