A lady in the crowd
2022-09-01 23:10:03 (UTC)

I Failed

Two weeks into taking chemistry and biology, my anxiety was already through the roof. I barely picked at my food and couldn't finish any meals even though my stomach was growling. If I take another bite, I can't keep it down. I'm going to hurl and that feeling never fully went away. I took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. I started having regular bouts of nervous diarrhea before each class. I remember being on Xanax when I had cancer, but I wasn't going to be medicated to survive the semester. I also didn't know how to calm down. When I worked at the front desk in the clinic, people had to repeat themselves often because I wasn't present and was too fixated on all the concepts I had to learn.

Both classes covered two chapters weekly, and I kept up with my reading. I worked on all the practice problems, and my eyes were so dry I could hardly keep them open. People kept falling asleep during biology lectures and I couldn't blame them. I barely slept and kept waking up in the middle of the night, already dreading the next day. The professor did his best to make class exciting, but who gives a shit that water is the only substance on earth that occurs naturally in solid, liquid, and gas forms? He began talking about macromolecules and that's when I lost it. I hated it! It wasn't worth my peace of mind. I wondered if I still wanted to be a nurse for the rest of my life. Do I want to be a nurse at all? My heart wasn't in it, and that's when I knew I wasn't coming back to biology or chemistry lecture.

I dropped both classes online that night and spoke with my managers the following day, who agreed to change my schedule back to normal. Everyone I've told has been supportive and told me not to beat myself up over it. I feel humiliated and like a failure for quitting before taking the first exam. I'm at a loss as to what I want to do with my career and don't know if I will stay in the medical field either. I'm 23 and don't have anything figured out yet, will I ever?