kestrel

kestrel
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2022-08-27 19:53:07 (UTC)

Goals Reflection: August 2022

GOALS REFLECTION: August 2022

[Names and locations have been obscured to preserve privacy.]

SUSTAINABLE LIVING
This month, the temperatures had stayed in the 90s F and over 100 for several days in a row. It was difficult when doing our handiwork tasks, and we double-watered (over 1200 gallons) nearly every work day. The good news is that at the end of the month the temperatures seem to have abated a fair amount, and we actually had some significant rainfall...! I dare not blurt out loud something like, "So where did the summer go?" Don't want to curse us, heheheh!

The gardens are healthy, thanks to all the additional watering we've done. Looks like we'll have a suitable harvest of vegetables that will store well over the winter. For my part, I'll have lots of potatoes available. Drying or canning other foods that would otherwise spoil - including the second harvest from a neighbour's peach orchard - means that we'll be learning how to prepare meals using preserved foods. This is an area of knowledge I've definitely wanted to broaden.

Meanwhile, I have been "promoted" to intern supervisor, starting in mid-September when our current supervisor abdicates his role. He'll have finished two years as part of the program, and is moving on to a more-relaxed position and will begin cultivating his own plot in earnest. As far as I can tell, there are two things to note about this position:
- It's a fairly thankless role with high capacity for drama and no perks to go along with it (we're not paid here, y'all), and
- I was chosen not necessarily for my leadership qualities, but because I was the "best of the bunch."

So this means that my "two-years-until-I-have-my-own-acre" plan remains intact, but it requires I have to deal with a bunch of other peoples' bullshit. I hope to keep negativity to a minimum while serving in this role, not screw up too badly, and keep everyone moving forward, to sum it up. I've been at it for two weeks now.

I shared a number of ideas with the manager regarding my future living situation, and it seems he's strongly-preferring that I steward one of the existing structures over the winter instead of investing in a wall tent of my own. This won't be so bad. I'll still have my privacy, it'll be consistently warmer over the winter, and I won't have to lay out the estimated grand-and-a-half to make that happen.

FINANCIAL FITNESS
I updated my address with the auto insurance company, and instead of paying the original $1200, my 6-month premium dropped to like $550. What a relief! I suppose this is due to the fact that we're living out in the middle of nowhere and there's no one else to run their car into me. :)

I still want to engage in some side-gig behaviour, but I'm simply exhausted at the end of every day after work and motivation is low. I want to stay healthy and as I don't have health insurance, over-extending myself increases the risk of injury or falling ill. I don't want this to be an excuse, however. For one thing, I am still very interested in making soap again. It may be possible for me to contact my old soap-making partner, forward her some money, and have her ship all my tools over here. With the materials right in front of my face, it will be more likely I take steps forward on the journey.

What other opportunities can I jump into, with the slower, colder season approaching?

FAMILY & FRIENDS
Any time I consider what it would be like to pursue a relationship with a woman again, I'm reminded that I'm a forty-five year-old, unemployed farm intern who lives in a tent. I am a full-time student again. Any woman interested in that kind of guy is likely delusional.

Were I objectively-speaking, I'd say my self-esteem is pretty high, but my sense of self-worth is quite low. Loneliness is more a factor than I wanted to admit, it seems.

Platonically-speaking, things have been wonderful. I started up a weekly board game night and just last evening had our first monthly film night. Both events have been well-received, and are acknowledged as major boosts to the community-building efforts around here. I'm happy that my interests seem interesting to others, and that the other folks here are letting me know they appreciate what I do.

Regarding family: another stepsister is dying. Prognosis is that she'll live for up to two months from now. I don't know if I can manage to visit for the funeral, should she actually die during that time.

I've kept up with my weekly letter-writing practice, and have received letters in return. My Czechen penpal sent a beautiful card, and I even heard back from one of my old coworkers. Letter-writing is great.

HEALTH & WELLNESS
Weight is steady, averaging 181. Near-daily handiwork keeps me physically-active, and now that I am managing labor projects for the rest of the interns I am mentally busy. Game nights and operations here at the "eco-institute" provide plenty of intellectual stimulation.

My urges for private moments seem to have undermined me a bit too much this month. Not really interested in a relationship at the moment, but damnit I had to masturbate a few times over these past couple weeks just to work something out of my system. It seems like the silliest, stupidest things stimulate my over-sensitive genitals... When doing any work that moves my core back and forth - like sawing logs, for example - I can't ehelp but feel soothed when my scrotum brushes in my shorts...! This is bloody ridiculous.

ENTERTAINMENT
Continued the weekend routine: post office, donut shop, letter-writing, grocery, thrift store (where I've shopped to expand the community tabletop game collection on the cheap), pizza shop. I'm entertaining and socializing with affordable or no-cost activities. At the eco-institute, we're playing bocce' again, now that the weather has settled down a bit.

I have the urge to go to a karaoke night somewhere in town, then stay at a hotel afterward. I will look into this for late September or something like the middle of October. I've told my coworkers about my penchant for drinking a bottle of wine alone, and the prospect of doing so seems enjoyable to me again. It's been a while. Until then, I sing in the car to and from town.

TO SUM IT UP
Seasons change, and I have adjusted well enough. I'm further establishing myself as part of this community. Gaining status and responsibility, becoming better with relevant gardening and handiwork skills, while somehow unable to shake growing feelings of loneliness.


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