GoodGirl

Bad Dream and Judgement

Dear Diary,
Just woke up from a dream, it actually upset me, felt real.

Husband got up for Physical therapy early and I woke up and went back to sleep. Had the dream in that hour I went back to sleep.

I had several dreams all mingled together, but what I do remember, was having a trailer and towing it and parking it in the back of my parents old business units, and I had to back it in. And talking to lots of people, all really nice lingering around the place. A couple I follow on Instagram, the wife saying she wanted to start running and I said Id do it with her and we lived just nearby. Another one asking if I help do some painting, etc.

Then at some point, Im sitting in a Lazy Boy type recliner, husband in the middle and this other female on the other side, my chair was tilted a little aways from them so I couldnt hear their convo and felt kinda excluded, then husband got up, turned my chair to bring it closer which I appreciated, then he took me by the hand and went inside the trailer, I thought "Oh does he have something romantic planned?" to myself...

As I get in the bed area, he lays down on the bed, its rumpled, there is a stuffed animal and a geeky girl laying at the top of the bed. Im all "Uh Oh" in my head. Hes wanting to have a fantasy of 2 women come to life. I laid down on the bed. I wasnt turned on or anything, I was more apprehensive as nothing was ever discussed and it felt a bit much. The girl made some comment and I replied "Well Im not prepared, this was just sprung on me" she said "Well thanks for putting out your negative energy" and that irked me, like blaming me for killing the vibe, once again I said "I had no idea this was going to happen" and I got up and said "IM going to my room" and I somehow got into our bedroom now today and got in bed, bothered, hoping my husband was following me to talk, and I was laying there, waiting, and nothing, and then I woke up. Irritated, and I was half out of it, like I was still waiting for him to come in our room after I woke to address this. Then the reality of it being a dream hit me.

I was laying in bed and looked up the new forum Im on, its christians and sex. And well, I almost left it after 3 days because the PMS were so bad from guys just wanting to talk masturbation, heck it was like being back on AOL in my 20s! But this a christian site? And then the supposed Female messages I got, wanting to talk about masturbation. I knew they were dudes with fake profiles. I can spot it a mile away, not my first rodio, I was a bit disheartened as the site discusses sex, but it just more felt like a hookup, phone sex, cyber sex site and I found some of the guys screen names on reddit bragging that they swap nude pics of their wives to jerk off too and then tell one another about, and they claimed it was from this christian site, I mean openly bragging? WTF? So Ive put many people in their place, there is some other dude who writes erotica, he and his wife (If shes really on there or hes faking as her too) sounds like they are just swingers looking to hook up.

And its all through private messages,,,, meanwhile Im sharing real honest truths, internal conflicts, sexual things on the forum Ive learned, and had a lot of great feedback. I also had a guy share a book on their yesterday he read and had a break thru just talking to him about some past sexual trauma I had and fantasies, to the point where I was crying, in a good way.

And then I share something this am about some former believers going thru some changes, strict in purity culture, which is an open topic, but if there is an inkling of change about how they view Jesus and their faith, they called them no legit and having lost credibility? I guess that made my heart sink, cause I want to blast them all for sharing explicit lyrics sexual songs, and talking about all types of really graphic sexual shit on there, in a way that would not be the christian norm,,,, but thats okay? But someone has a genuine question of their faith, and in a healthy vulnerable way shares that, to say they have "lost credibility" I dunno, I found it harsh and judgemental, the very thing these people seem to say they are getting away from in their bedrooms, but dont talk about it in another format. Oh and these people claim to be pastors and pastors wives with seductive low cut shirt pics or lingerie?

World is a mess I tell ya, church folks no different

Yeah there was some other topic of some dude upset his wife wont swallow or play with his semen with his fingers and him saying that is unacceptable! WTF? I mean really your going to make that an issue and brow beat your wife over that? And try to justify it biblically? People are so jacked up, and thats the world I was in. I was in a marriage with my old ex husband who had that same type of irrational stupid logic.

So yeah, just an ick way to start the morning......

Oh and if you havent noticed, my swinger fantasies have died down after I listened to the whole series. Sure I learned a lot and all that, but heck, we fight over sexual hangups or triggers we both still have, can you imagine throwing others into the mix and the drama that can cause around all that and the fight?

Its cloudy and dark outside, we have an appt today on zoom(no link has been sent yet) to go over estate planning and we are not ready for it yet, we really have no idea who and what to leave our things, money, etc too. Because of our situation with my kids, and I guess I have more questions for later, but we are supposed to see our first draft today and cover some of this stuff.

PS. One of them already deleted their judgemental response, which is good, but that also deleted my follow up to it which I was proud of