Evolving marriage
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2022-08-19 17:19:17 (UTC)

Follow Up

Dear Diary,
I just want to follow up with, I love my husband more then anything, I find him utterly sexy and attractive and have since day 1. Its never waivered

He is Aspie, he is neurologically different, so I have to let a lot of things pass that dont fly in normal NT world, as he doesnt operate the same, many of our issues are role reversal, often the problems when you read or talk to people, that women are dealing with and Im dealing with some of what men are dealing with with their partners

I am the one who fights for things, to understand, to read, to go to therapy, to go to meetings, to study, research, try things out to help, Ive always been this way, he was diagnosed because I read a book in bed with him and a guy mentioned as Aspergers and at the close of the chapter I looked at him and said "This sounds like you" and I devoured material late into the night online reading about this, and it all clicked finally what was going on (he wasnt a narcissist or an abusive ahole) he was Aspie

But the thing is, I am the catalyst most often for changes. I push that, I do that myself and I ask him to seek the same. Sometimes he does, sometimes not.

The only REAL times hes made bigger strides of change have been when I broke up with him or got my own place during the marriage, because then he realizes "Oh shit, she is serious and I may loose her" and he steps up his game

And thats a frustrating way to see change happen also. Because I have to uproot myself each time to do this and get away from him so hes left alone with himself to truly think and see what is happening, then he starts to apologize and starts to encounter the feelings, emotions that hes not feeling because Im always there for him. He doesnt like being without me, he doesnt like to be alone, but he could easily exsist on a computer and eat food and just know Im there and not have sex and hed be fine as long as hes not alone. IM there,

See how growing up fucked up messes with you? He had no father at all (No name of his dad, not on birth cert) and a mom who was depressed and retreated to her bedroom, she made food and left it on the stove, she did that much but that was it, no sitting to eat together, no going to his sports or school events, she was depressed, morbidly obese and in her bed all the time. So thats his comfort, someone was THERE he wasnt alone, he said he overdosed as a teen in his bedroom and was a wreck for 3 days and she never even knew it. THats how out of she was herself.

I can focus on him all fucking day and his stuff and all, but really in the end, all i can do is take care of myself and keep myself healthy right?

So yeah, Its time I get selfish again perhaps and pull inward, circle the wagons around me and take care of ME. And let him flail around in the wind some on his own so he doesnt have me to rely on.

We arent mad at eachother, we ended last night holding each other after some cursing and harsh words and then calming down. He hugged me this am, asked me how I am and is there anything he can do for me. Umm yeah, get therapy! Deal with your shit babe

But yeah,

So love isnt as easy as one thinks, I love this man to pieces and we have built a good life, but dammit its difficult at times emotionally. And more then anything, when I want to go into self care mode, I have to leave my home to do so, because hes not going anywhere, and that sucks, I love time alone to myself at home and would love a Week to just live in the house by myself and not have anyone else around, anyone else know what Im talking about?

But I have to pack up, spend money, plan a trip, drive, you name it to go into self care alone time. But I think perhaps Im due, just looked up the weather at the homestead, 90s, rainy and it gets humid there, NOPE, Ill look more at the end of the month first of Sept and keep an eye out. Its times like this where I can use a trip to the coast and to where my studio was and visiting all my 12 step groups and friends there.

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