Evolving marriage
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2022-08-19 16:46:25 (UTC)


Dear Diary,
Emotional Hangover this am after last nights argument.

I dont even know what to think or do at this moment, and perhaps its "do nothing" but me being me, Im always trying "FIX" things

And I guess I wonder, what if I stopped the testosterone cream? I mean I already had a libido, my husband didnt. Now hes on T himself.

I sometimes have skipped 2 days, apply less then half the prescribed dosage, and Im still horny all the time. So? Whats it going to hurt? I did up my application a bit since my last check with the dr and am more actively taking the DHEA and Pregnenelone supplements.

I mean if I was thinking about sex less, masturbating less, is that going to hurt anything? No not really. Have I enjoyed this, YES, but am I enjoying the conflict thats come up as a result? NO, husband says its not somethings hes focusing on, and I know we all need to own our own shit, but I feel truly like I was perfectly fine still he started fixating on performance shit with me during all of this, its messed with my head, its confusing. And now Ive gotten in my head over it and its causing issues that are cascading into more. I was so angry last night I threw the remote to the new bed at the wall. I heard pieces fly, I havent crawled on the floor and under the bed yet to find it to see if I broke it or if the battery cover just popped off and the batteries flew out and thats what I heard, Then I beat myself up for acting like that on top of everything that happened last night.

I got word the electric is done on homestead, but that the structure is not level and they had trouble opening and closing the front door, ugh, it needs to be leveled. My neighbors had to come help the electrician with the door. Its just another thing, but at the same time, I know i can make the trip back, I can load up the mini fridge, the ac unit, the microwave, the mini hot plate, fans, lights. I can stay there (If I can maneuver the door okay) (which reminds me I need to buy a mattress and have it shipped there so I have a bed, the air mattress sucked last trip. Its a 2 day trip one way to get there, I used to love getting away, but it was because I was unhappy at home and sad a lot or tired of my husbands negative energy and lack of interest in sex. Now its flipped the other direction and I have less desire to get away like that now. Im just sorta "MEH" about it. When before it was an exciting adventure, so I wonder if I stop the cream, will that part of me return? Is that a silly thing to think would change?

The book we are reading said that the things that change with sex is CONTEXT and we have to take that into account, and the context has changed, I went from sporadic once every 2 wk sex, super rare masturbation, to being on hormones, to daily masturbation and almost daily sex. things have changed. But why was an orgasm so easy with my husband before and not now? Context has changed, but how to get that back, have a ways to go in the book as they said there are several common reasons women come to sex therapy and its not able to orgasm. The top one, but I can orgasm, by myself, so its not that I cant, and I truly feel I have so much anxiety and fear around it with my husband due to the comments and then last night really didnt help AT ALL. I told him this is making it 10 times worse and he really needs to stop this focusing on performance shit and just enjoy the moment, Sitting there self sabotaging sexual situations, which he doesnt realize hes doing, he says hes mad at his performance for ME, but I tell him, acting that out before, after or during sex, getting mad and getting negative, negative talk about himself and being cold in the middle of sexualy intimacy is NOT SEXY, it has no place there, and it needs to go. I also told him how triggering it is. I mean we would literally be having sex (in the past) and he would stop in the middle of it and go rigid, body language go cold and move me off of him in the middle of being so worked up. It was so hurtful, and hed started going on about his erection and how he couldnt function, and get super negative and start to bad talk himself. While Im laying next to him, confused, wondering what happened. I dont criticize his performance, never have! And he knows that, its been his own shit, but I tell him, he needs to get a grip on it because its impacting me. So when he does this, it flashes me back to when it was really bad, it makes me scared, makes me think "Oh no, here we go, back to this again" and of course I cant let go and feel free and loving sexy energy while my partner is saying bad shit about himself. Like hes literally telling himself off, cursing, negative, gets in his head. And Im can be hugging him, kissing him, telling him hes fine and it doesnt matter, and Im left being left out to dry emotionally and sexually when he does this. But its the hard yoyo of how it hits him in the middle of things, have you ever been full on in sexually turned on and nothing else matters and your just so in tune with your body, sex and your partner and pleasure to have them abruptly stop you and talk shit about themself and end sexual acitivity then and there? I have, many times and it fucks with your head big time

Thats what Im dealing with, the fucked in the head stuff, last night, fucked with my head majorly, when I just sat and poured out my soul to him about my struggle, buying these books, tackling it for me, and my own sexuality how I never felt comfortable to do and embrace things the way I wanted to, when it was influenced by my ex and morality and I put so many limits on myself, and now Im figuring out who I am and what I like and getting comfortable with me. I need my partner to handle me gently and love me through it. Really its that more then anything I need from him, the emotional trust to let go and relax and know I will be taken care of. the rest for me follows easily, I dont need him talking about how quickly he came, when I fucking didnt care, we had been fooling around for over an hour and I asked him to penetrate me finally and sure he came, I knew that, and am fine with it, but for him, NO that wasnt fine, and I was FINE, I was happy. So why make it the opposite?

Sigh, why cant I just fixate on working on the property, getting out of state, detaching from all this, stop the cream for a bit, and see how I do, I can always start applying again if I feel like shit mood or energy wise.

Like a sex sabbatical after my crazy yr of lots of sex perhaps? Yeah easier to say then do for some people.

I derive a lot from sexual gratification. I masturbate to release tension, stress and to fall asleep often and for the first time I started to think "Wow, its much easier to masturbate then deal with the stuff he is doing or saying to me" and thats not good.

I just feel like crying today, I didnt want to get out of bed, my face is swollen from the crying.

I know I need to shower, eat something, and I will feel better, ugh we have a romantic dinner reservation and another dinner event tomm, I almost dont want to go to tonights dinner, its just too romantic and I feel so blah....

I just want him to stop this performance shit, seriously, we need a sex therapist, sigh, I dont want to trade a problem for another one in the bedroom, I want to conquer this shit and move on.

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