Evolving marriage
2022-08-18 21:56:02 (UTC)

Comes As You Are

Dear Diary,
Its a cloudy day and its just starting to drizzle, their is a cool breeze blowing so I opened up the doors and some windows to let the fresh air in and hopefully will get to hear rain soon enough. I went outside today and pulled some weeds out back and some crab apples off the ground that were mushy or poked by birds and toss them all in the trash. There is a dead squirrel out front on the lawn, a big one too! Smelly, told husband we need a bag as trash isnt until next tues and he will stink up the bin if I toss him in now. We have this big beautiful picture window in our living room. So I can see the mountains and trees from the couch and I hear wind chimes blowing. Its beautiful. I still cant believe we live here. We say it all the time even though we have been here a couple yrs now. Oh wait, now the church bells are playing a hymn along with the breeze and wind chimes. Yes small town living is nice. We were so over big city life.

I ordered some books to read, mentioned on the site IM on with married couples and sex. It was "Come as You Are" and I have heard of it before and checked it out but didnt buy it, so this time I did after a lady described some aspects of it. So I started reading it last night. Wow, its going to be a good read. Some Science and shes a sex educator,, but the first part is on sex and anatomy and you realize how little we truly are taught about the human body and its sex organs. We already learned some things we didnt know, like did you know the hymen is a myth? It goes over all that. So we have done a quiz online that coincides with the book and I knew right away it would hit on some bases for me, but also husband. Its written for women but its not just a womans book if that makes sense. Things about how different we all are sexually, looks wise, our parts, our ability to orgasm, our kinks, when and how we do things, and that we all have brakes and accelerators when it comes to sex. Using Science studies and how sex education and people being dealt with was developed, and its fascinating. So Im eager to read some more tonight again after dinner. I havent been able to orgasm very easily from PIV sex since going on hormones. And I thought it was the hormones causing this issue, but Im thinking it might not be so as Im reading this book as this is a COMMON theme for women going to a sex therapist. So its more about your brakes and accelerators with your sexuality and things that can impact that. So Im eager to keep going to see if I crack my own code as to whats going on and how to change that around.

Ive always orgasmed from PIV sex, and seeing the stats, the percentage of women who do that is low actually, many women need a vibrator. But then again, many women orgasm from Oral sex and I rarely ever, even with my ex husband. I enjoy it very much and it gets me so turned on and raring to go, but its not direct enough for me.

With a vibrator? I can orgasm with my clit or a vaginal orgasm with a toy inserted. If left alone I can do it faster, with my husband present it often takes me longer.

I rarely orgasm from Clit friction finger or tongue from my partner, the clit sensation with a finger is usually too much for me, as are toys designed for the clit that use suction, i literally cant hold it to myself as the sensation is overwhelming and I cant hold it there.

But then I know the feelings I have surrounding orgasm in some of those instances, and those are things mentally but how they impact me and what I can do about that? I dont know yet, thats the answer Im searching for. Like why can I orgasm from Anal sex easily? And I orgasm like crazy when on Edibles, unending and I just keep going.

So yeah.

So what happens with PIV sex now that is different? Well for one, when I went on hormones and it was high at the start the cream I had to apply, my clit felt really hard and sensitive, like I had a hardon. I remember for days feeling it, I was so aware of it and horny as can be those 3 days, my husband was like ENOUGH and he was trying to work. I masturbated in the shower, in our bedroom, upstairs, in the living room, and when we had sex, it was this strong urge to ride him HARD and rubbing my clit against him, the sensation felt so good, but also felt so exhausting and like I couldnt get over the hump, like it would build ready to orgasm and then it would deflate, over and over. And I would be exhausted trying and give up.

Then my husband began to make comments, about me not being able to orgasm with him, and that something is wrong and he wants to see me cum, its what hes all about. And im telling him "I want to also! But Im having trouble, but Im okay, Im fine with everything we are doing, Im horny, turned on, enjoying sex, dont stop and please dont fixate on that" but he mentioned it several times, so as a result, I became self conscious and I really would try to orgasm the way I always had with him, but once again, still elusive, and Id be exhausted, Id feel under pressure, Id feel insecure, Id feel I should fake it!??? Ive never felt that way and now I understood why women did to get their men off their back and boost their ego. I was okay not focusing on it, It was making it about the orgasm and not about pleasure, and I had so much fun having sex, but seeking after and focusing on ORGASM was taking over and it was stressing me out, even sitting with a vibrator afterwards to orgasm with him next to me made me self conscious, but if he stepped out of the room? I could orgasm. So obviously there is something mentally going on, like a womans form of performance anxiety. But what can I do about it? Thats what Im trying to figure out. I also know I like harder sex , meaning rougher I guess? A few times hes spanked me or yanked my hair or something hard enough and it pushed me over the edge to orgasm, but then I guess I feel like a freak to some degree internally? Because he knows I like those things, Ive told him over and over again, but he doesnt do them often unless I ask or when he does them, its not enough or its too much, so finding a middle ground is the key there.

But give me an edible and I can orgasm like 5 times when he uses the dildos or sleeves on me. I got into a position for him to pile drive me and WOW, I came so much from that. Also if he DPs me with a dildo, and himself at the same time, I can cum from that. And many times I just hold a vibrator on my clit and can cum whiles hes fucking me. But I do miss being able to simply ride him and have multiple orgasms.

But also what has changed? We are having A LOT of sex, before it was sparse and I was so hungry for it and sensitive that I came no problem

So yeah, just wondering whats going on, and of course they say with menopause, blood flow changes and orgasm can be harder, but I was fine up until the hormones, but we didnt have a lot of sex before the hormones. So just trying to find that sweet spot again.

I also am masturbating a lot. Its like a stress release, or I want it to go to sleep. I enjoy the release. Then I wonder "Am I too much?" and that is part of my mind Ive dealt with since being on hormones and my fear with my husband that I verbalized often "Am I too much?"

I also scored high on one of the quizzes, which is a low percentage of women in the population that are that score high for those excitors. And that Im greatly moved by scent and taste (you got that right!)

If I think of some important aspects of my mates, My first husband, his scent and taste, was repulsive, and was very memorable those last few yrs with him, I couldnt stand his body odor, his semen, you name it, it was repulsive and putrid, and his breath.

My now husband? Scent was a high marker from early on, his odor, he worked out, I loved it and wore this vanilla body oil and I craved just smelling him and always took his shirts home with his scent to sleep in and craved it. Ive always liked his scent and his body. So we have a pheremone match here!

The guy at the gym I dated, once again, it was that work out gym guy scent, a good scent, not stinky B.O.

I had this experience, with one guy, it was my sisters bro in law. I went with her to a family gathering, and he was there, first time I met him, he was in dress pants, white button shirt, wearing nice cologne, and whatever was going on, that cologne pulled me in. He smelled so good, we flirted, I sat on his lap. Dont even ask me what on earth was going on. As it was a one off for me. But there was so much tension between us. I wasnt married at the time, had been dating my current husband, we were off I believe at that time, I believe and still talking on the phone. Anyways, I ended up making out with sis's bro in law, on the side of the house, he was reaching under my shirt. It was hot and heavy, teasing and sexy and fun. And it didnt go beyond that as it was a family gathering, but still gutsy for us to be doing that there. Well I got his number and we talked on the phone and I invited him to the fair with me. He agreed to come out, It was an hour an a half drive away. I got all dressed up cute to meet him at the fair, and he met me there, when he walked in, my attraction meter dropped to ZERO! I kid you not, he was wearing a tank top, dolphin shorts and those slip on shoes, brown with the tassels? Omgosh he looked out of the 70s. I was actually embarrassed to be seen with him. He brought an overnight bag, that looked out of the 70s too! And said "Im not driving home! Theres drunk drivers on the road" and asked me to take him to the store to buy a toothbrush. Mind you, I didnt invite him to stay overnight AT ALL, that was never part of the deal, just asked if he wanted to go to the fair with me. It was awkward, I felt no chemistry. Whatever was going on that first meeting, was now gone. I was too nice back then and didnt feel I could ask him to leave. My kids were home and little, my mom babysat, and i told him he had to be out before the sunrise, didnt want my kids seeing him there, he tried all eve to put the moves on me and I just blocked him, and frankly I was super angry inside, pissed and just wanted him to leave and remembered starring at the clock till it was time for him to go and telling him so. I never spoke to him again after that. He left a huge bottle of listerine on my counter (who brings a full size bottle, the ugly brown listerine with them)? I dumped it down the sink and tossed it in the trash.

Ah funny stories like that you know? Reminds me of the time I agreed to impulsively go with a group of people on AOL to Las Vegas in a Limo, a guy in the chat room, I didnt really know well, was trying to get a group together to go to State Line and gamble and have fun, we could all ride, I was trying to do things out of my comfort zone after my separation from my first husband so I went, well it was 2 guys and 2 girls only,, umm yeah. Mind you the other set was making out, I had no interest in the guy, just went for fun. We got there, he walked into the casino, bragged, put all his money down and lost it within minutes of arrival, and he had nothing left to spend, so we literally turned around and drove home!!! Over 4 hrs each way! He was an idiot, and we had been drinking and he was trying so hard to put the moves on me in the Limo while the other couple was hot and heavy. I wasnt interested in him at all and I wasnt going to fool around with him just because it was there. I had no attraction. So Im grateful for some situations Ive been in didnt go terribly wrong and I didnt give in, I held my ground and didnt have sex or fool around with someone Id regret.

Its like the guy I met at the family homestead eating at the little town restaurant over a yr ago, we talked for 2 hrs, great convo, then he invited me to have a bonfire with him as he was staying in his trailer at the campground, I was in an airbnb down the st. I declined. I enjoyed the convo, he was fun and engaging to talk to, we had several drinks, but I didnt want to fuck him, and this was recently, but it was a scenario where I knew if I went to sit and have a bonfire, it wasnt going to stop there with him, hed have more in mind, even if I didnt. So I said I couldnt and walked back alone to my place, I let him leave before me so he wouldnt see where I was walking to and staying just to be safe.

So I guess Im not out of line impulsive like an addict with my drive. I actually am a person who needs a connection to want to do something.

I also had an opportunity with a guy I liked back when I was married, R, he was the one who gave me some blowjob instruction and seriously teaching me as I had no experience and didnt know how. He and I met up another time and planned to have sex, but I backed out, we did meet, but I didnt go thru with it, female issues, but I was attracted to him, we were good friends and talked alot, both married with kids (this was during my first marriage) but he was sweet as can be to me when I said I couldnt and held me. We just hung out in the car and talked, he never put pressure on me or guilted me, was actually always a good guy. And he had the largest girthy cock Id seen before. But Nope, didnt do it! And we never planned to try again but remained friends and talked online all the time about life and our situations.

So yeah,,, well, need to get dinner heated up... and go read!