No point in choosing when the only thing I feel like doing is something that I can't do right now.
I really don't like the way this girl is being shown and thought about in this show. Only on the 3rd episode and all I keep seeing/hearing is the characters wanting to f*** or just get some action with her. Or how she's 'so cute' or 'my type'. Like bro shut up and try to live. Or just die bc atp im tired of everyone here. mg literally took a picture of her naked, or attempted to. other mug is getting jealous of her following the one person who even tried to save her from attempted rape even though he literally only followed the crowd who followed that one person just to do nothing. sitting around and blushing (staring sinfully) at an unconscious naked girl like a loser. a disrespectful loser.
but i guess i wont be watching this show to gain a favorite character.
i also dont like the fact that her role in this is so passive. so so soooo passive. im hoping its not her entire character and that maybe its a single trait. maybe she's shy. maybe she's withdrawn socially (she committed suicide who freaking knows). maybe she gets attached easily. maybe shes just as horny as the rest of these ppl (ew). im hoping its a trait and that shes not just a "shy, cute girl'' (entirety of characeter) tool for fan service and presenting to a horny teen boy audience.
"Feel Good (strawberry emoji)"
To start off, I'd like to say that I'm so sorry if anyone has read that entry. It's honestly a blemish on my my-diary trackrecord. Although, pretty much every emotional entry from the past 2 years is just as embarrassing to me, but they could not top this one.
I find it incredibly ridiculous and mortifying that it remains under the 'Popular' section despite being one of the most down bad, terrible, horrible, messy, stinky, cringe-worthy, childish, illiterate, emoranting, thought spamming, shameful things I've ever typed in my entire life. I'd delete it if I weren't against deleting past entries for the sake of preserving these time periods in entry form. Regardless of whether I'm looking at what I wrote from the perspective of myself as the 'future me' I referred to in it, or if I thought about how people would actually read it and realize what a child I am (nothing wrong with being a kid but you couldn't pay me to write some weird emotional nonsense spewing entry like that now even with me being young), it's just so bad.
From the substitute cursing, to the slang usage that just isn't right, the random trail offs where I forget what the heck I was talking about, the way I remember exactly how I was standing and walking around and sitting back down in my living room as I wrote it, restless and upset and generally not feeling great. Bad things happen when you don't feel good. You make and do things you aren't proud of and never will be proud of, because it comes from a place of frustration, unrest, and negativity directed towards yourself and everyone else as a result. This is a prime example of that.
I've even gotten very kind and encouraging messages as a result of it. The thing is, when that happens, it really throws me because it feels out of nowhere. When I have my lows, I write. That's why this journal is full of entries that range from rants about a movie, show, or story, to bored posts, to emotional breakdowns. So I get the message later on and I'm wondering like what sort of depressive, suicide ideating entry did I make for someone to actually be nice to me. I mean it's not like I feel like that all the time. But sometimes those feelings sneak up on me and drag me down, keeping me from even enjoying the activites I like. So I'll cry about it, write about it, maybe sleep it off or read a story through puffy eyes.
Everyone gets sad sometimes. I guess my sad used to be a little worse. Or maybe it was school.
It was probably school.
Had me wanting to die because every moment spent inside that building around people or at home feeling just so unable to work was unbearable and mentally damaging.
In the beginning of that year, even just remembering the cold feeling of the classrooms made me feel so bad.
I was also SH-ing a lot back then too. The scars are still there. Unfortunately, I still like how they look on my legs. I must've messed my thoughts up to be thinking like that but whatever.
what im trying to get at here is that.
that entry is the worst thing ever. dont read it. thankyou for caring, thats so nice.
but its wasted on me. those are lows. and im not just my lows.
hm. see thats the mentality i always have.
I'll go through those things that make me feel so bad about myself and everyting I do (ex. school day, a single class) and then when it's over, I still feel bad about it but the immediate problem is gone so I can't really complain. So then because the cause of that low is gone, I can no longer say that my problem is big, despite the negative impact it has on me feels big, big enough that I don't want to go back.
so I say it doesn't matter. but to me it does. ugh this has nothing to do with anything.
in conclusion, dont read that entry. very cringe. very emotionally yuck. I know people love me, although i doubt the unconditional part. i dont plan on killing myself on purpose in the near future. i've stopped drawing blood. and i've chalked it all up to be teenage hormones because i wouldve been diagnosed with something if i had something that i needed to see somebody for (i fear self diagnosis and exaggeration of my problems if it wasn't clear already). thank you and goodbye. <3