Gentleman ♀

I Hate Middle School
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2022-08-13 13:37:56 (UTC)

Help! Help! I'm Blind!


I’ve got some newsssssss! I’m blind- nah I’m just kidding. I do need glasses though. I guess I’ve got astigmatism or an astigmatism (idrk) so I don’t totally need glasses but I’ll need them to drive when I'm older and they’d probably help with my headaches as well. They said I'm not near sighted or far sighted, I just have trouble switching from looking at close things to looking at far things. Apparently, I squint when I do it too. I literally never noticed the squinting though and I just thought everyone had a little trouble switching from close to far and all that. I didn't notice I saw things a little blurry sometimes either 'till he switched between the lenses and plain glass. Everything was... crisp... I know that sounds weird but it amazes me honestly. I looked at a few pairs and the one in the photo above was everyone's favorite. I was going to cover my eyes but then you couldn’t really see the glasses so ✨face reveal I guess✨ lol. I haven’t gotten them yet since I wanted to look at other pairs just in case but I’m pretty sure I’ll end up getting those.

Speaking of changes though, I got my ears pierced again like a week ago!!! I got them pierced once when I was maybe 3 or 4 but I've been wanting them pierced again and Hailey needed one of hers re-pierced so we just went and got them. I went first and I was scared as hell but it barely hurt. I was going to have her count down from three but decided not to last second. The worst part was the suspense lol. I picked out these small pink crystals as my temporary earring. They're so light that they almost look white and they match pretty well with any outfit. A good choice on my part lol. All I have to do now is clean them thrice a day 'till just after school starts and I'll be good to go!

Okay, kind of a sharp change in tone but whatever, I literally fucking hate myself. Yeah I like fashion and makeup and music, and that's good and all but that's it. That's me right there. Everything else is just a mess. We went to cedar point today and it was going pretty well 'till we started playing charades in line. I know that sounds like a stupid reason but hear me out, my obnoxious personality mixed with my ADHD ended up with me screaming at the top of my lungs to try and help my dad guess the character. Once my mom told me to calm down I went quiet for a second and realized just how obnoxious I was being. It felt like everyone was looking at me (they probably were considering how loud I was) and I just wanted to curl up and cry. At the eye doctor's too! I thought I was just being fun and good-spirited about the fact that I got to pick out a pair of glasses but I guess, instead of that, I was practically yelling and bouncing around a glasses store in the middle of a Walmart. I... fucking hate myself.

Another lovely thing about me is my skin picking disorder ( aka dermatillomania or chronic skin picking). TW, a little gore/grossness and technically self-harm but not in your usual way. It's about what it sounds like. I see my skin, I pick it off. Lovely, right? I guess it's not that simple but I thought I'd explain it in simple terms before getting deeper into it (pun intended, in a dark sort of way lol). Okay, so in more complicated terms, it means... let's say I get a pimple. You just let it heal itself or pop it right? Well not me. I feel compelled to pop it like I HAVE to or it's just so gross I can't take it. Even when I pop it though, I think "what if there's more pus or something?" So I squeeze from all angles and scrape with my nails or a flat object and I use needles 'till I bleed. After that a scab forms and it's gross so I pick it off. I do that over and over until I scar. And if it's a raised scar I pick at that again and it starts all over. All bumps in my skin I feel like they NEED to be drained or they'll just be there forever. One of my worst fears is having huge filled pores or something under my skin. It's horrible. So I just keep picking and scratching and poking and bleeding. It's a horrible endless cycle and I hate it. I have scars all over my face chest and back from it. You'd think they're not that bad though right? Nope! I'm partially Mexican so I'm super tan but I have pale white spots all over my back from the fresh ones, and scars tan faster so I have dark brown spots there as well as on my chest and face. I even have some on my stomach arms and legs. It's terrible.

Today in the bathroom after cedar point I was washing my hands when I saw my face in the mirror. There was a flake of skin on my cheek. It annoyed me so I picked it off and in doing so discovered another flake. Then a bump. Then a scar. Then a white head. Then my goddamn pores. In the end I spent about 20 minutes in the bathroom hunched over the sink and scratching at my skin. My nose was bright red from me trying to get all the oil out of my pores, the rest of my face was spotted red from me scratching at different bits, and I was bleeding in at least three places. When I got out my dad looked at me and started being all weird. He told me (almost angrily) to "stop ruining my beautiful face" and all that mushy stuff. He compared my face to his stubbed toe which was all purple and had a HUGE chunk of skin taken off, saying they were the same level of pain or bad or something. Side note, his toe is disgusting and is definitely worse. But he was so dramatic and told me to "just stop" like it's that easy. It still seemed nice though, or at least until he told me I was acting phycotic. Like thanks dad for calling me crazy, that really helps me and makes me feel better after I just gouged holes in my face due to stress. Idek anymore, just the thought of pores makes me uncomfortable. It's not quite trypophobia because I'm not afraid of it enough to freak out but I definately wouldn't touch something like in the photos because it grosses me out wayyy too much. I'm gunna go to sleep now, I hate this. Goodnight.

~ Gentleman