Slowly descending into madness
2022-08-13 01:14:33 (UTC)

Dodging bullets

In the last few days, I barely had any mental stability in me to write anything except a suicide note, and of course I didn’t find any point in doing that either. If you ask me why, the answer is never easy. It’s so complex, sometimes even I get confused. I know how I feel, but I can never express it in words. It sounds so silly.

However, I've been pretty much living at rock bottom and then even worse stuff happened.

Incident 1:

I had a "friend" back in 2019. a female friend. She taught me that. Male people complicate your life, but a female can absolutely destroy it. Whatever she did to me is an old story, and a long story I don’t have the energy to type. One fine morning in 2019, I literally woke up in December, drank a cup of tea, searched for her name on every possible social media platform, and blocked her without any explanation. I do that to certain individuals, and I have a tendency not to reconnect ever again. She's one of them.

A few days ago, one of our mutual friends sent me a link to a Facebook account. This is what she did:
She got engaged to a Chinese guy (not the first time she got engaged in 24 years of her life).
deactivated her own account, somehow got control of her fiance's account, and tagged her sister's account.
posted pictures and videos of her fiance allegedly abusing her (she cut herself and bruised herself) from the guy's account so that his family knows he's an abuser. called the guy a drug addict and said he was beating her for money. I laughed at this point. Satan is a failure compared to her.

The "abuse" part is self-made. I mean, self-harm. Because the cuts are all parallel, and no abuser cuts the victim like this. I've dealt with abused people before, so I know this stuff. So yeah, she never stopped driving people around her nuts.

The cherry on top: her underaged sister got disowned by her parents because she was caught doing sex work for money. Classic.

Incident 2:

Back in January 2020 January, a guy from my varsity used to like me. A lot of people do, so it doesn’t matter. However, the problem is, he was v v v v dishonest. He told me some stuff about stealing from the fund to buy weed and alcohol and that was the moment I knew I had to cut him off. Later on, he confessed to me, that in their batch trip, a classmate of his was making out with another classmate, and he slapped that female classmate when he saw that. He blamed the assault on weed. Again, very classic. I cut him off after this and barely talked to him again. Can't talk to an assaulter and weed doesn’t work like this.

It's been 2.5 years since this incident. But somehow, 2 days ago I found out he lied about the whole beating/physical assault thing. He didn’t slap the girl, he attempted rape. Then he played victim but 2.5 years ago, the dude often wanted to meet alone and me being me, I didn’t care that much. And thank God I didn’t.

Idk how I did it, but I dodged two bullets in 2020. And statistics kind of show that I was surrounded by absolutely horrible jackasses. One mistake of trusting anyone around me and I'd be fucking dead by now. I've been extremely lucky but I wonder how long luck will favour me.

That was a long entry. And I've had a tough time digesting all of these and more. Dealing with extreme stress because of my mother, university and deadlines. I've been a mess but I'll be alright. It's tough. Whenever I look back, my entire life is all about dodging bullets, knowingly or unknowingly based on gut feelings. It gets tiring to be self-aware all the time. That's all.