no name
2022-08-12 05:25:54 (UTC)

TW: self harm ig

im a little scared to go back to school.
It was such a bad experience the first time around, I don't know if I'll manage to not accidentally kill myself by hurting myself with unsterile metal after a particularly bad day and a few moments of emotional, irrational thinking.

It was so uncomfortable and isolating the first time around. I was back in a building full of people like that after 2 whole years. I know it was because I was unprepared, my confidence in my own abilities shaken after nearly failing my Freshman year since I was having to do it at home basically without any teacher support. I remember the first few days I came back home crying because I felt so stressed for no reason. And knowing it was for no reason and yet not knowing *how* to stop feeling that way (i still am not all that sure :( ) was even worse. And it never really stopped. There were better days, but none were actually good. At least I finished my work, I guess.

I just really really really don't want to feel the same way I did last year. I might actually die. It's a stomach hollowing feeling. Hopelessness? Hope? Dread? Quickening of breath, then manual. Face gone tense from nerves. Voice soft, too too low and a cold sweat. Shuddering from the cold. It was a bad experience. Hopefully I'll simply forget. My memory has never been too good. Except with the bad things.

I just can't deal with the things I felt.
It's not that I myself was worse than the rest.
I simply didn't reach out.
Didn't put the effort into something that I'm not even sure I truly want.
I feel as though I just didn't want to stand out.
And being alone felt like I was too visible, an outlier.
But I wasn't. Clearly. Nobody is. Nobody is the main character or side character or outlier or outcast or most popular kid or least popular.
Just another kid in another class. That's all. No negatives. No overly positives. It's all fine.
It just never felt fine.


ohh and the body issues. man that whole latter half of the year I was pretty much attempting to restrict my eating habits. yep yep yep. so many fasting apps. redownloading and redeleting tumblr. edtwitter, etc etc. i literally found out about self harming videos on twitter on the first day of school which was actually midyear testing or whatever. i was so scared those days. so panicky. so so nervous. and nothing happened. nothing. all those nerves and anticipation for something, anything. then nothing. left alone. unbothered. so, there really is no need to worry.
i remember seeing the amount of girls who were shorter, taller, bigger, smaller, skinnier thigh gapped, pretty, stylish, athletic, goth(????lol idk bro), and the kind of girl who actually wore croptops. i remember seeing boys, i guess. taller, strange, slackers, loud and annoying, etc etc
Just people. Oh and there was that one teacher who was very loud, like not yelling, his voice was literally just booming.
right so i guess i kept focusing on the thighs, the stomachs, the neck, all areas where i felt that i lacked (i didn't, i don't) and felt bad.
i dont really have anything to say about it since I know it was wrong of me.
My body simply looks as it is meant to. I'm not about to look like the machinist or Nicki Minaj at 14 bro. And if you're expecting it of me you are dumb and/or a pedophile. i said it

time moves fast these days, probably summer break trying to shove me back into school work since i've already forgotten how to math :/

anyway, im just hoping to hop into this crap with some pep in my step instead of feeling like im falling into a death hole of unimaginable horrors like the first time around. at least i can hope to look at this as it is. a bunch of teens im not obligated to impress. a place to work until i can chill and watch a stream and play a game. no need to feel nervous around mgs who cant do anything to me and wont. ppl whos opinions make no difference whatsoever and aren't even real yet.
everythings fine.
and im so not finishing that movie.

tell me why I try watch 'Secretary (2002)' and only like 20 minutes in and im over hear searching up if she has a mental illness -> if self harm is caused by mental illness -> mydiary: oh fudge oh fudge i have school no non ononon

i'll be fine. on some real crap.