Evolving marriage
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2022-08-10 16:59:59 (UTC)

Feeling Sad

Dear Diary,
The chat last night didnt sit well with me. It was a person who runs the site. And he appeared up and up and wanting to have intellectual chat. Mind you this is a christian based forum. I spoke with a guy earlier in the day, the first REAL person who wasnt just wanting to get sex talk rolling and he said the site was becoming the Christian Chaturbate. So thats why all these new rules were posted which I had right before me as I first logged in, the site ratio of men to women, women was low and women were leaving, and they were saying it was because of the men on there. And I can see why!

I think the admin himself was full of BS, hes in a sexless marriage but hes perfectly FINE with it, and he wants to talk about sex, not about solutions or encouragement to his situation, well red flag already, so no wonder its all corrupt, the wolf guarding the hen house. I havent left the site as of yet, but Im watching, I googled to see if there were comments about the site and did find a thread, it was closed, but exactly the same stuff I discovered.

So yes, I do enjoy sex, writing in my diary, sexy stories, you name it. I dont mind discussing sex with others, male and female, but I do have a line, I dont want nude pics, I dont want dick picks, I dont want some guy sending me a sex story he wrote about his wife and then saying "Come back to me and tell me what you think about it" Post your stories sure, but dont private message me asking that, cause whats the point other then to try and make someone horny and chat about it? And your all flippin married people. This isnt a dating hook up site, or an affair site, its a celebrate marriage site, so what the hell?

So this am, a guy I have chatted with a little, so far not too bad, sent me boob pics, first I thought it was his wife, but I found one of the guys had a profile and gave his reddit name on it, I looked at his posts, not too bad, but found several other of the guys from this other site on the reddit forums all together using the same screen names, and they said they send pics of their wives to the other dudes to jerk off too on the christian site, so sigh, see what I mean? Its just the principle of the matter, the site and what it claims to be, is bullshit, and it claims that stuff isnt allowed, not that they can regulate what everyone does. But yeah, so when I told the guy please dont send me pics, he apologized and then said I had used gifs, so he assumed it was okay? Um I used a thumbs up gif, not a nude person. My heart sank, it wasnt that big of a deal really in the big scheme, it was just after 3 days of this weird undercurrent behind the scenes, but rules posted all over about NOT doing that on this site, its hypocritical. Either come out and say what the site TRULY is and own it, or clean house. Which is it? And on the thread I found they said the site really needs to be shut down. I just had an ick feeling this am, and it made me sad to be honest, because I came there to find cool couples to talk with, married folks, and well, blah, and its all this behind the scenes messaging where the problem is.

So I just felt sad, disappointed I guess? And it just gave me this weird sinking feeling this am. No wonder women leave and disappear in 3 days, I could handle this stuff and see it coming, but someone naive, with sexual issues or trust issues or abuse, they would be scared the hell off. Part of me thinks Im going to write a public post on there about this, before I get banned or what have you. I have also had several people reach out to me, guys saying how encouraging I am. Me sharing my story, many are messaging about getting on hormones, and asking how that all works. That stuff I can discuss. Some guys with mis matched libidos who truly love their wives and want to help them. Im cool with that, tips, tricks, pointers, but if your just trying to get horny guy jerk off chat, move along. So I updated my profile as the admin told me to put in it what Im okay and not okay with as far as pms. So I did. SUPER QUIET today. The guy did apologize to me, but I did give it to him about the site rules and do the guys even read them?

So yeah, sigh,,, now I feel kinda down. Over that? Why?

I dont get it, why did that get to me? I dunno, perhaps my past triggers, Ive been there done that, sex chats, cyber sex, horny married people in the AOL days and chat rooms, Ive been down those paths, played in them, dabbled there, found the thrills, but I was in my 20s and unhappily married. Different story today, for me anyways. So its old hat, I can spot it easily, feel it in the convo starting to shift.

Our guests checked out, so I put on a homemaker podcast, one I used to listen to, and not something about sex today, wait who am I? And I needed it, I guess after just feeling dirty from all the messages I was getting. I needed to reground myself again? I dunno

Have to go and clean up so we are ready for another booking. Have 2 but they are in the next month, its open calendar now.

My husband is really sore he said, he had physical therapy yesterday am and they had him balancing on foam blocks, was really tough for him he was dripping sweat he said, but Im glad he is going, its to prep him to get back into sports and activities again. So hes getting pushed which is good for him, he would do so well to have a trainer, he does well with someone on him to keep him in check.

Well I guess thats it for now, praying my mood gets perked up today, we have lots of rainy days ahead and it affects our moods, just an over all blah feeling, but I love the rainy days all at the same time, we had crazy loud thunder last night which is cool to hear. No crazy downpours really, just enough to dampen things and put some humidity in the air and keep things green.