The Kracken

2 Brained Kracken
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2022-08-05 21:59:32 (UTC)

Eternal Loneliness

I've been in one of my 'bad phases' lately. I feel a lack of purpose with my life and I don't know what defines my happiness anymore or what I should be proud of. I've applied to volunteer for a homeless charity, with the goal of giving my life some value but I don't know if it will just make me more stressed and tired.
I thought my new purpose in life after my career plans fell through was being a good friend. But most of my close friends either live far away or have suddenly stopped talking to me. It makes me want to give up socialising. Even my sister seems to ignore me more now. And every time I see her, her fiance is there too. I don't mind him being there, I'm happy saying whatever I like in front of him but the issue is that he keeps having these extreme mood swings where he is obviously angry and it makes it difficult to have a proper conversation.
The one person I do have is my neighbour. We have a very strange relationship now; I think he feels the same way I do, extremely lonely all the time and wants someone to love him like family. Unconditionally. We message every day and I see him all the time. I'm worried he might kill himself one day though. He messaged me last week whilst I was asleep saying he wanted to get it off his chest but he didn't seem to want to talk about it the next day. He also has dissociative identity disorder and his alter personality said I should watch out for him because he isn't doing well.

In an unusual turn of events I've actually made myself feel better after writing this. I titled it eternal loneliness at the start and I've ended it by realising I have someone to care about and care for me. More than 1 would be nice I guess.

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