GoodGirl

Introvert & Extrovert

Dear Diary,
He was pacing all over the house on an work call, walking through the kitchen, dining room, everywhere. Thats a part that sucks about working from home. His office adjoins to our bedroom, so you have to walk thru the office to get to our room. No way around it. And I have told him when Im in the house other parts, to close the door during meetings or his calls as he gets loud, etc. He doesnt, so Im often walking over and closing the door to the office. He doesnt grasp that we have no separation or space. Im totally used to him now working from home, but it was a bigger adjustment at first. I used to have the entire day to myself. The quiet, time to work on things, no interruptions. In all his years working I never really came to his work to have lunch except for when he was working out of state I did a few times. His one job he had been at for yrs and I had never been there, I called him one day trying to be cute about it and surprise him and he got all pissy and I just said "Forget it" to myself and never tried again. Then sometime later that came up between us, I said "I dont think you want me to come to your job" and he said that wasnt true, and that he thought I didnt want too. I said "You got all annoyed at me that day I tried" and he apologized, he was in the middle of something at work when I had called and just snapped at me not thinking about it, and so at that point, we started to meet up now and then, sad that we went for yrs and didnt have those fun outings, but there was never a talk of quickies or sex. Ate at his work a few times or we would go to a nearby restaurant. It was nice though when we did that.

He came out after the call and did hug me and asked how i was doing, I said I was blah, he said "Physically or mentally" I said Mental, he said "Well let me know if there is anything I can do to help" ha! He is in the middle of work, he cant, sometimes the stuff he says? If I truly wanted to talk about something mental in the middle of his workday he would short circuit! Oh but I did give him homework before he fell asleep last night, I said "You have homework, your going to look up different positions for cunnilingus" :) and he said this am he would try to fit in that homework sometime during the day. We shall see. SUcks that I got a damn period all the sudden, but hey, what can you do? Im still annoyed by this, cant wait till I dont have periods anymore (and no I dont want to go on the pill or have a hysterectomy) too many other side effects I dont want from those. But man, I literally just finished my period right before my trip last wk. So I didnt take the DHEA last night, as I looked up side effects and things and I have no idea why this happened. Ruining my fun time, grrrr!

I will call L after I type this up, did trying calling D who texted me a few nights ago. I might seem strange as I talk of how flaky people are to me, and Ive just adapted to it and know they just arent readily available people and just take people how they are, but then all the sudden to have people like want to reach you suddenly when its not the norm. And they are kinda pushy about it? I dunno, thats what happens when you are reliable availlable me, the friend or partner who is there, but when it comes to you needing those moments and your that person, it can be tough at times, you know Im all independent, strong, and can do okay on my own, but every now and then if I want to even fall apart a little bit and reach out, its like people freak out and have no idea what to do with me, like Im not allowed to do that or something. Even had that happen with my own kids, they know nothing about me and what Im dealing with, self centered. WHen I fell and broke a bone and had surgery when my boys were teens, my husband was out of state, I needed there help and I was on pain meds all wknd with a cast before surgery, I had one arm, I couldnt get a dish out of the oven a casserole it was too hard, and they just acted entitled and like Mom was fine and I totally lost it on them and yelled at them both, and said they should be making me dinner and I went to my room and shut the door. My youngest ended up making me dinner, oldest just closed off in his room. But all my life, that is the one time I lost it over that and the one time one of them made me a meal. Havent ever since. They arent sympathetic to my pain, death, loss of people, they are just clueless, and its NOT what I taught or modeled for them. My oldest did go through my parents deaths, both of them and was present, as he lived with them when it all went down each time. But he just closes off and goes inside his shell. So now and then I get a glimpse, such as when I drove him to the cemetery to gmas grave and he lives there and hadnt been? He broke down in tears and told me my sis blamed him for her death, I had no idea and he confessed being abused there in the cemetery, etc by someone else... SO he has his rare moments. But overall, everyone says what a good kid he is, my mom always said it too when he lived with them, but I think its the marriage to their Dad and all the brainwashing and disrespect he encouraged them to do to me that has screwed things up. I am not sure if I will ever be free of that, unless he passes away perhaps? I dont know. My youngest even though hes using and all over the place, is more realistic and talks and says a lot more, apologizes when sober and tells me the truth of things but then reverts back and forth to blame. I just listen, I dont tell them how to feel about their father, but I give them bits of truth as the moments of convo arise. For awhile they literally didnt want to hear anything at all and would cover their ears. So denial runs deep.

So Im gonna go call L, wish me luck, that its a short and nice call. Lord help me. I love her, but I think I know this relationship is in a diff place and may just be a bit too much for me, yes people are there in our lives for certain seasons, she was there for me after my ex situation and for me with me teen boys (Our sons same age, same school) But I just cant get wrapped up in others dramas and stresses. And especially when they are all consuming and I dont think shes in her right mind these days, probably pain meds etc, which I understand she needs, but its exhausting,,,

Blah, I think Ive had to be on my own for so long, Im a strange mix of introvert and extrovert. My husband is an introvert and recharges with alone time and takes people in small doses. I recharge being around people and get built up and energy from them, but then Im ready to go back home to be alone in my space and isolate for a bit, then venture back out!