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Arguments and Ex
Slept in today. Till about 9:30am. Was up crying and we had an argument last night, but luckily didnt go to bed with things left unsaid or him being angry and mean. He sometimes resorts to that, which I hate, which is just a defense mechanism, to push me away hoping to make it stop. When you are with an Aspie partner, they dont deal in many ways the same as others, he can get overloaded and not be able to function and just react angry to push me away so he can go to sleep and later process, etc. I can deal with a person saying "Look I need some time to think about this, lets talk about it tomm after work" etc, but I need to know it wont be avoided also. But he isnt good at reacting calmly, he typically has extreme black and white thinking. All or nothing, Good or Bad. And my old therapist I used to have before we moved told me we were just triggering one another back and forth. Which was correct. I do have to be the one to point out many things like and I have an awareness to it, but he doesnt, he gets in the moment and fixated and then his triggers, stuff in his head surface, very negative and he spirals. So I have to try and help bring it back down a notch, I am far less as extreme in my reactions as I used to be, telling him, everything isnt all bad, its just this one thing and I need to speak to him about it. ANd where I get triggered? Is when Im vulnerable and feeling emotional or sad and he asks me whats wrong and says he wants to know and I tell him, then he shuts down, stops holding me or my hand, turns away and goes silent when I do speak, I felt shunned? Ignored? Because Im being raw in that moment and the thing I need from him is compassion, closeness, sympathy? Understanding. By the way, My Love language is Phsyical touch and his is Words of Affirmation. I tell that man all the time how hot and sexy he is, I compliment his body, his outfits, I tell him in bed how good he makes me feel in detail during and outside of sex, I tell him how hes doing well at his job and how I notice his skills as a manager and how well hes done, I tell him how great hes doing with his therapy and recovery. I make sure to do those things. And just because my Love language is physical touch(my top one) doesnt mean I dont like feedback and those words also. I have told him this many times, because when you dont hear things much you yearn for it. Desire comes in many forms not just the act of sex. Its the dance, its the comments, its the lead up.
Something we have spoken about is, Im inquisitive, curious, I ask lots of questions, I draw things out of him, we will sit and have convos from something I bring up. And he will be more then happy to answer my question and go on and on about himself, and then just sit there and say "Next question" or say nothing else at all. I have had to talk to him about reciprocation, such as when you start to date, if you just sit at a dinner and talk about yourself, and not ask the date, what do you like? Whats your thought? What do you think about this? in return, she will feel slighted, and then you feel a guy is all full of themselves when they dont care to know what others think and just go on their own diatribe and thats it. I told him it makes me feel sad, and left out.
We were sitting on the couch together, talking, it was getting dark, had some thunder off and on, we are right up against one another holding hands and he put on music and songs were talking about, and then I posed a question to him, he answered, when I asked what is your favorite thing about me or something like that. And he pointed to my forehead. And didnt say anything else. I said "My Mind?" He said "Yes" I said "Why so?" He said "I like how open you are" I said "Did you think I wasnt open before?" He said "Yes" and I replied "I thought the same of you" He said "Yeah you didnt know I was such a pervert" I laughed. I said "Was there any point in your life when you let the real YOU sexually out or with another partner?" and that got him really thinking about that question. Since he watched so much porn, I asked "Did you ever see something and then try to live it out?" and overall. No not really, he kept his Kink to himself. He felt it was bad to express. The most Kinky thing he did was Fist a woman angrily, they had been seeing one another, she was older, just watching movies, dinner and sex, not a relationship and they were drinking and getting high, she got paranoid and thought he had drugs, like cocaine and was holding out on her because he had the sniffles one eve and went all berserk or something and he was done with her, but she had some of his things and he wanted to get them, his music collection or something, and he went over to get it and she started in again and he said he fucked her angrily to get her to back off, and when he was done, grabbed his things and got out and never went to see her again. He said she was probably taunting him during sex, like "Is that all you got?" and then he fisted her. He said she liked it. Way later, he got a call from her, and some other gal, were out driving around, he was drunk that night, and asked if he wanted to go somewhere, he agreed and they picked him up. He was so wasted, and he was telling me about this story, I forget the convo in the car, but I told him "I think they wanted to have a 3some" and he said "I really dont know, I was so drunk" He didnt take the bait with the convo. and Nothing ended up happening that night, I think they dropped him back off drunk and angry talking, not sure.
So I have a lot of his stories he will share, but then he doesnt ask about me or want to know much. And I dont force it upon him. I want him to be naturally curious. So end of that convo, so I said "OKay your turn to ask a question" and I said it doesnt have to be sex or the same one, he just sat there and said "I got nothing, sorry" and then he stopped holding my hand and wasnt being affectionate and we just sat there in silence for awhile, its like he was in his head. And after a certain point I said "You okay?" and yeah.... he got negative, said nothing he does is right, said hes going to bed and abruptly just walked off leaving me on the couch....
Wait, hold up. I left out the important part of the convo. We got onto Oral sex, as its been in my head, we have convos from time to time which I think I have mentioned here. About how little its happened in our relationship. ANd hes told me he loves it and hes going to show me. But the only way its going to happen is if I sit on his face since his knee surgery, well in our 20s yrs together, its the only position it really happens in. And he rarely has asked me to come sit on his face, and I am big on being clean when it does happen as Ive been so self conscious about it, since it rarely happened, I thought perhaps there was some issue with that, I know Im more fussy about doing oral after hes showered over when hes been sweaty etc. But it also doesnt stop me at times either, everything isnt perfect smelling also, or sometimes I tell him to go do a quick rinse off and he will. I will do the same. But not much gets said. And when I do sit on his face? I feel he stops too soon, :( So I have never came that way with him, because the duration just isnt that long, Id say a few min and thats it. So? And also I truly miss laying down on my back and having my man between my legs eating me out and just relaxing and grinding into it. That has rarely happened in our entire relationship, and I didnt realize he really doesnt get into that position . Now post surgery I get it, he cant get on his knees right now. But before surgery it was the same. Also, Ive even thought of other ways to do it, me sitting on top of something being closer to his height, we have a tall dresser, I said one day "What about this?" brought him in and said what if I sat on that? And he just seemed disinterested, didnt really say "Yes lets do it!" or anything or mention it again. So I feel its all my job, to say, Hey today, me on the dresser okay? Which could be fun and sexy, but a woman wants to feel desired and that her man wants her in that way and will come after her, just as I come after him for a blow job, I said "Do you like feeling pursued, desired?" And he replied "Yes, but your saying you dont feel pursued!" in a negative tone. I said "IM talking to you about this one area" and thats when he shut down and stopped talking and got closed off, saying he was going to bed. And ultimately, I think hes mad at himself in those moments, he feels less then or awkward. But then I feel awful for bringing it up, and it goes nowhere. I want to have open honest discussions, I want to know what any hangups are to talk through them.
When we werent really having sex much I felt this was strongly. As a woman when you arent told your sexy, when your not pursued sexually, you feel unsexy with your partner. And thats how it used to be for us. And it was discussed often, me in tears sobbing. That was why I didnt dress sexy or buy lingerie, because I literally could put something on and it not be noticed, I could reach over and touch his penis in bed and hed get annoyed or stay silent and not respond. So it made you afraid to reach out, it was like a conditioning to NOT try to have sex that happened and I became self conscious. He kept telling me it wasnt me, it was his problem and that he loved me, found me sexy and loved to have sex with me, but that he was broken. But I stopped being naked in front of him, didnt like changing my clothing around him and covered myself. I just didnt feel attractive to him regardless of what he said to me. And that does a number on a person on the other end also. Not just him, Im really amazed I didnt think of cheating during that time period, the worst during our time in the last house in the last state, we lived there 8 yrs. And it was probably the darkest time of our relationship. I cried a lot in that bed and he laid there stiff and cold. I felt like a roomate, a piece of furniture. I thrift shopped, estate sales, etc to deal with it. It was compulsive. It was like a high I got from finding something valuable, to resell, but it was overkill, and we even fought about that and him getting angry at me. And I realize now, why I did it, it was all I had, to make me feel good (That and junk food) those were how I got my feel good hits in life. Because really, since our sex life changed a yr ago, I have no desire to shop like that anymore, its like it was literally fucked out of me, which really was telling, as I didnt realize how it was a coping mechanism for my loneliness.
I didnt get hit on during that time period by any men that I recall, other then the gardener, the last yr before we moved. I swear he was hitting on me, he sent me a text after he did the job one day saying He loved seeing my smile. And then another when I said we would be selling our home and keep him on until we had it sold (even after we moved out) and he said he would miss me and I forget the comment he made in the text, it wasnt typical, I did tell my husband about it, he didnt seem to phased by it, but I knew the guy was hitting on me and it made me a little uncomfortable so I didnt acknowledge the compliments back from his text. He wasnt a bad looking guy, but I also wasnt tempted if that makes sense. (by the way my best gf left her husband father of her kids and married her gardener, they are divorced now) but Ive seen that scenario play out!
But really during that time frame, I felt so blah. I worked a round a lot of men at my job, younger guys, got along well with guys, felt certain guys were attractive of course, but I think IM someone who gets along well with men, certain types of men, I like more intellectual, thoughtful types who really like to talk about life or life topics. So I had lots of those with guys I worked with, most married also. ANd Id say I have had times of guys who confide in me, and some of my friendships with men feel deeper on that level as we dont surface talk. But it wasnt inappropriate either. We had different clients if you will and vendors come in, and Id sit and talk with many of them, mostly males, so I knew so many different guys, diff ages in that realm, walks of life, all passionate about what they did in our profession and wanted to share and talk about their portion of the job, and we would listen and compliment one anothers work etc.
But yeah, Im trailing off here. I think it was reading diaries about Oral sex and then I found this website, Marriageheat last night, its hot married people stories! WHich I was thrilled too find and they are pretty good, but a lot of oral sex talk and descriptions and once again making me long for that and wonder what was going on. And then I get into a negative head space and think "It must be me, he doesnt like me down there" but then I think of other relationships I have had, my ex I couldnt get to leave me alone, hed just go down in the covers on me all the time, not asked, not turned on and bring me to being turned on, the guy I went out with briefly when husband and I broke up, went down on me, for a long time and I cried because I was so taken back, it had been several yrs since I felt a tongue on me down there. The tongue is amazing on a womans clit and pussy, its the perfect sensation and not too hard or too soft, its perfect! So it can be magical the way it feels.
And i think because I have devoted time to blow jobs now, educating, learning and husband knows this, Im open, Ive shared videos Ive watched on blow jobs to show him my 'Teachers" to which he replied he was impressed and high fived me. And I guess he keeps making comments saying "I really need to step up my game, or return the favor" and then Wah wah.... nothing. So hes a tough one you know? I mean go fucking read some articles and watch some videos on how to give good oral if your having issues, we can all improve! I think its not that I think he cant do it, he can, he either cant get into the position to go down on me, he cant work his tongue for very long, its not exercised in that was as he rarely uses it, I mean 20 yrs is a long time of little use of your tongue, you have to work back into it, I even had a video that had tongue exercises and he said he should probably do that, but mind you this is me bringing it up and discussing it. So at a certain point I get frustrated with requests, education, helpful hints, when we are all capable of doing that ourselves. Who doesnt feel good knowing their partner is working at something and trying to please you and try new things or show you their new skills? IM fine with it, I have sat with his cock in my mouth and asked him How he liked certain movements, ways of giving a blowjob, how deep in my throat, you name it, Ive done a play by play asking for feedback. He in turn, its male ego I guess, doesnt so the same with me. He even doesnt do well with correction or me moving him during play sometimes, which I dont get, doesnt he want ME to tell him if something isnt feeling good or move his hand if hes fingering me and its uncomfortable to a better angle? But he gets into this "See I cant do anything right" negative mindset and gets in his head and its ruined when he does that as he sexually shuts down. And Im so easy going, I can play therapist, teacher, you name it in those moments, its no big deal really, but when he goes angry and cold, then I get hurt and Im hurt that hes so closed off. And thats really the jidst of last night in the end.
He was being cold and mean, and we werent fooling around sexually, just discussing, and I just walked in and looked at him and said "Are you really going to do this? If you think shutting me out and going to bed and talking mean is going to go well, your wrong, your going to make a long night for yourself at this rate if thats how its gonna go, or you can just knock it off and deal with it here and now and not push me away" he stood there in our room and came over and held me, I just started sobbing then because he had been acting like such a jerk prior to that moment. I told him Im allowed to fall apart too or have bad days just like he does, but what I want to know is that in those moments, hes there to hold me, just as I do for him. ANd I fucking do hold that man up! And I tell him how i do it! And point out how when hes low Im in his ear with positive words, encouragement and grabbing onto him hugging or holding him, and how I want the same.
We laid in bed, I was emotional, but we werent fighting anymore, and I knew it was late and he didnt have the "Bandwidth" to deal with as he said, which I got, he had a mentally exhausting day at work and his mood was affected by the weather also. So I just told him I get all that, I just need to be comforted and held and know you love me, not be pushed away.
Here I am, I have to call my gf L after noon, blah, I really dont want too, I tried to visit her, well reached out when I was in my hometown, told her I was there a few days and it didnt work out to meet up, which is fine, Im not upset, I get it, she has chronic pain issues, I havent seen her in yrs, love her family. But she takes a lot out of me, and I guess I sorta regret reaching out? Because the texting from her is a bit much and shes so codependent with her way of being with people. Shes loving and giving, to a fault, but she is draining also. Ive been over at her house while her husband and grown sons walked around her acting like nothing while shes saying shes in terrible pain and we are sitting in her backyard talking and then she texts them non stop (bring me this, bring me that, oh Im in pain) and I it was strange to watch, and I guess when its so routine, they dont bat an eye or act concerned anymore as its daily life, but meanwhile Im over there, heck Ive been over there helping to rub her neck when she suffers a migraine and do pressure points for her, and she loves me for it. But it makes it overwhelming at the same time. Plus she is one of my christian friends, and Ive walked away from some aspects of that part of my life, so the overtalking of Jesus can be rough for me at times these days. I hate to say it, but it can be nauseating and cliche? Like there is this christian talk, I was in it, I lived it myself for over 20 yrs, and those are the people I find it hard to be around now. To listen too, she can also be very real, but then I cant sit in on the long phone prayers anymore, I just cant, which is why I have totally avoided my friend E also. I literally havent spoken to her in years because of this, when we used to talk all the time on the phone and Id see her in town and we flew her to stay with us for a holiday. Now I just cant do it! I cant take it anymore. I used to be like them, so I get it, but Im not, and once they know Im not? Then I will get a new type of preaching as a result, and a reprimand or rebuke will soon follow and a judgement. So I guess Im trying to skate the edges with them, appear Im the same enough to pacify them to back off and then move along. Sad? I dont know, I just dont have the mental bandwidth myself to go there with them. I know they wont understand, because I was like them before, and I felt the same way towards people who would say what Im saying now. So Im like "Whats the point?"
Heck my son with drug issues threw that I was deconstructing my faith in my face via text message?! And hes all over the place mentally and not living a christian life at all. Like how expectations get placed on me huh?
Oh and as we laid talking last night on the couch, I got a call, it was my Ex husband. First time in over 3 plus yrs seeing him call me. I dont answer. I said "If its an emergency, he can text me" as hes the father of my children. A text soon followed, saying "Hey I want to compare notes on our youngest offspring" ........ followed by "Ill take all the blame"
My husband said "Well thats out of the blue" I said "No not really, I was just in my hometown with our oldest who asked me how youngest was (he hasnt spoken to him in 3 yrs himself) and he said "Mom is he still blaming the world for his problems?" and I said "Yeah well me, everyone" He said "Well just so you know, hes doing the same thing to Dad" so I knew that word would get back to his father that he saw me and talked to me. And so thats why my ex called, I knew thats what prompted it.
Problem is, I dont trust my ex at all. I have had almost no contact for a long ass time, because hes a narcissist. And anything I talk to him about he flips it, uses it against me, uses it with our grown kids, and when I give just an inch with him, he pushes for more. Its like gets excited he has contact with me and goes all out, and then will start the mental manipulation/abuse shit I had yrs of therapy to learn about and get away from. My ex, ugh,,, the former young girl in me was shaped by that man, from age 16-26 he had all of me, took longer and more yrs for the divorce to finalize and I did a few reconciliation attempts to save our marriage via church counseling, but it never went well. Hes remarried and has been for I think almost 10 yrs now? But he texted me about 4 yrs ago saying he was sorry and sad I wont talk to him at all, that I must hate me and that he regretted losing me. And for him to send that and hes married? UH uh, Not cool
I was also told by his Uncle that his Grandfather said the worst thing he did was loose me (thanks Gpa, loved that man, he lived to be near 100 and passed away over a yr ago)
I tried to work it out for yrs with him, but it was all out of CHristian duty, moral obligation, what scriptures said, and I kept trying to be in the relationship, problem is, he didnt fit the mold of the christian man and virtue at all himself, so I was applying biblical principles to an unbiblical relationship. It was never going to work, because my ex was a facade, a mask, a shell, a persona. TO keep me, he acted a part, but it wasnt real, and when we were alone, I knew full well it was fake. And he also was compulsive, with money, with sex, you name it. I know he cheated on me, I knew he was sexually compulsive, I never caught him in the act, but enough things happened that Id be a fool to not know. But I believed in him back then, and I was honest when I stepped out and took all the wrath for it, which is part of the sick hypocrisy, it was like he just loved to paint me as the bad one and dump on me and get others to judge and dump on me. There were men and women also with him, stories all the time of being hit on and sexual innuendo he told me about but about how he did NOTHING, bull shit, I know that now.
He had a long term live in gf after me, and cheated on her with the woman hes married to now. He also travels all over the US for his job, so lots of guys in hotels all the time, he started that after we split up but tried working things out and he confessed to me that job was not good for him. He was hooking up with random women all the time, meeting in chat rooms, bars, job sites. He had his own thing going online with women and had a dating profile. Hes still in that profession so that cant be good for his current wife.
Anyways, Im gonna wrap this up. Im still bleeding it appears its another period, ugh, 2 wks ago I had one, Ive been normal for a yr since starting hormones but she had me up DHEA and Pregnenelone and maybe thats thrown off my cycle. I dont like this, blah!
Husband is going to go to the range this wknd, he hasnt gone since knee surgery, so I will get a day alone, havent had one of those in a long ass time. And its weird to think of it as we are together so much, but it will be fine and good for us both, he needs to get out there again and resume his activities. We are going to dinner tonight, as to which Im a little blah about going, we havent talked much today after what transpired last night and Im just staying out of his hair, I know hes got the work stuff stressing him out. It would be nice if I could just have a wknd alone in our house to be honest for my own self, but Ill get half a day tomm.