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2022-08-04 04:59:55 (UTC)

lyrics?? help me

"wanting to kiss every hottie you see."
speak for yourself my guy
that is not my mentality, not at this stage this at least
I really can't understand that feeling, especially considering the amount of gross orifice touching that requires
I feel no urge to 'explore each other's bodies'
Just ain't it

it's more like a matter of appearance and vibe when it comes to people for me.
think a mg is cute or devastatingly attractive. desires?? give a mg a flower?? compliment em??? give them a card???? frick bro.
bc it'll be smarts or confidence or hair or style or attachment. nothing more than that.

ok, i guess there was a period of time where i couldnt stop thinking about ******* on my ******'s (multiple..) **** but that was a very dark time that i can and will forget whenever possible. discovered too much. read too much. imagined too much. you know, it was an exposure thing. also how i found out about the **** ****** thing too. generally grossed out by anything i thought during that time especially because of who i- yeah.
but thats over and its been like a year so it doesnt count anymore.

does imagining positions count?? ive already denounced the existence of THOSE so im also gonna pretend it never happened.
im not letting those sorts of daydreams come about again. mentally? on a ship, leave me alone. also angry. angry at the situation not the cause of the situation. well also the cause but mostly the situation existing at all.

i mean i only originally asked the question because
and it doesn tmatter anymore bc currently my body is confused and going through a dark time that i will deliberately ignore since i cant control it
mentally though?? need to knowoah omg i almsot just died of cringe
mentally though?? i think im wildin out.

Why would I (emphasis on I) feel attracted to somebody? How does that make any sense?? Me? Of all people?
Not even attraction. Yeah no i lied to myself it was a spare thought. its always a spare thought. never means much. always a surface level thing that i tend to take back at times. never that serious.
and it still makes me uncomfortable.

20 more minutes until i gotta go so I

mg just called me a bubbling cauldron. i cannot believe adults. they arent real. gotta be fictional because what is this madness.

BRO? that does not apply to me. cept for maybe erwin. eternally down bad for a dude like that, cant be blamed. i will never fant bout a real person though thats a whole different level that sorry no id like to not partake in.
but even then, those occurrences are few and far between.

ewwww why they put that in full capss, something abt this article is giving meee old. historic. old person. elderly. but like young. like milennial?

and no i get where theyre coming from but its most disconcerting because sure you could say its hot in theory, in mind, while youre fantasizing but in reality, in all practically, REALISTICALLY? ITS NASTY. gross. absolutely disgusting and abominable. sick. well not all that but its at least a little gross and awkward and way less appealing then youre mind will make it out to be. unless youre into that... cant relate.

they chose the most disgusting wording ever. incredible. i honestly wouldve preferred some textbook explanation over that crap i just read. tingles?? nigga what is this asmr??? NO.

i dont understand any of these scenarios
if i asked her for one of those she'd definitely say no and id be embarrassed for asking and if she brought it up later on i'd kill myself so nevermind that suggestion

i just remembered what i look like. almost vomited. its okay though because i cant afford to be insecure at a crucial time like this. im above this. tbh? couldnt be me. i will lie to everyone including myself. ha

im so done with that.
completely and utterly uninterested in sexuality and anything having to do with to the point that i deny any feelings of it in my body.
i literally do not contain enough energy to accept that crap. check back in about 5 years. thanks.

postponed indefinitely.
i have other things to worry about. graduating. church ppl. my watch lists that never stop growing. ugh i dont even want to watch tv now that im thinking abt it.

have i ever had a unique experience? unique to me, always. i guess that's all that matters.
cringe? i don't know. it's always based on what others might think of me and what i do. a lot of the time, i'm just too tired to care. but then, when i'm out or around people my age, exhaustion becomes a minor detail/hindrance and i end up withdrawing into myself due to fear.
it's stressful and i don't know how to undo it because the only thing that seems to quell the sick feeling in my stomach at being on display for anyone to see even if just a glance, is to make myself as unseen as possible. even then, i don't feel better.
in the end, the outcome remains the same though.
no speech, no getting bothered.
so i guess i should just relax since it doesnt matter anyway :/
why feel like crap for a bunch of 15-18 year olds that roam the halls??? crine. ppl are so
they are
actually, im also ppl.
to other ppl, i am just other ppl.
nothing special, nothing bad or good if they dont dislike ppl as a whole.
just ppl.'
just a young person. just another person their age. just a student. just a kid.

when you look at it that way, guess it REALLY DOESN TMATTER


i feel insane absolutely terrible

i keep
a certian me
keep strying to tell me what to do, just shut up and let me chill

this all feels so dumb. my body is tired. or maybe its my mind. im just frustrated and its making me mad.