Evolving marriage
2022-08-01 08:59:53 (UTC)


Dear Diary,
Its 3am. I got in my robe after rubbing and scratching hubbys back putting him back to sleep, hes gotta get up for work. I had so many warm fuzzy thoughts rolling through my head, even some happy tears, I decided to get up and come write here.

He told me tonight just before he fell asleep "Thank you for not giving up on me" and I just held him tight. We sat there and told each other all the things that we love and appreciate about each other, we talked about our bad yrs, and we apologize for them, but also understand one another now and dont hold it against one another. I had said the entire relationship, even the times where it wasnt good, I always had strong love for him, it was never a lack of love that was the issue, it was a lack of intimacy, sex, closeness. And it was reaching a boiling point for me and was critical more then once where I thought we would not be together as I couldnt take it anymore but also didnt want to be a cheater so thought Id have to leave him. I had tears in my eyes holding him in the dark, me being the big spoon now as I had been rubbing his back and just pressing my cheek to the side of his face. I cant tell you how many times a day we just say "I love you" over and over to each other.

Its seems strange writing this over and over again perhaps, but when you spend half of your life wanting this and you didnt, just glimpses maybe at the start of our relationship.... but now to have what you thought was forever lost with the person you love and to find it before you have emotionally closed yourself off and are ready to walk, is a miracle to me.

So I had to write it somewhere, preserve all these memories. And hot sex is amazing, but it seems most people have to have affairs to find hot sex, part of what Esther Perel writes about in her books, about the Anatomy of an Affair and its fascinating to listen to. How we give our best selves at our jobs, we dress our best, act or best and get to see one another at our best or in a spotlight or where we shine, and then we come home and just have scraps left over for our partners. But what if we gave our best self to them also?

Before I had read that book I was listening to Home maker chic podcast one episode and they were discussing the lockdown and everyone home, and just the fact of many couples now at home, people not going to work, but working remote, homeschooling kids at home or online, etc, and how they started to stop dressing nice, for their spouse, no makeup, comfy slouchy clothing, hair in a pony tail. And how they were going to start taking some pride again, and that one hit me. And it was right after that and when I started hormones, that I got my ass in the shower and shaved everywhere, sat down at my makeup table and put on makeup each day, even if it was light, or at least some lipstick and took time to tame the frizzies in my hair and spruce it up. I lost 10 pds right away and just that amount changed how I felt about myself and the clothes I was wearing. Everything was covering me, jeans, long sleeve shirts, flannels, dont get me wrong, I love a good fitted Rails flannel with a tank top and will always love wearing that! with a pair of jeans and boots. But during the summer, in the heat, I now wear cute shorts and tank tops, sexy stuff, I dont wear a bra most days, cant stand them to be honest and thankfully my boobs are still perky and didnt drop having kids and nursing. I will put one on for outings and I will wear open cup ones for sexy time at home. I feel good in my clothing again, and picked up lots of items at TJ Maxx and Costco when I drop in. So I add things here and there. Oh and some Amazon outfits, just got the cutest dress! Now I need a reason to wear it! Another Vegas trip perhaps? Im taking pride in my appearance, keeping on schedule now again with the hair cuts, as I didnt for so long during the pandemic and hated my hair. Im set to go in for some laser stuff to my face, hands and some brown spots removed on my legs. Im walking/running, doing light workouts at home and I do all the yard work around here. Its a bit of work, which I need to get up in the am and do some.

So yeah, I find all that important, have to keep myself feeling good and sexy for my Man. But I also encourage him to be sexy. I got him into the eye dr and to get stylish new glasses, he wore these old ones so dated forever when we met, and then I stepped him into fitting with the times and flattering his eyes and face. I have him exfoliating his skin, I got him one of those sanders for skin on your feet, and told him they were getting scary after his knee surgery and hes cleaned that up, I hand him lotion when his hands or elbows feel crusty. I bought him teeth whitening strips (hes never whitened his teeth and he loves his coffee) I pic out a lot of clothing for him and bring it home, most of it he likes, and he looks damn good in. Otherwise hed still be wearing so much of the same stuff he wore since the day I met him.

So what did we do the rest of the day? We watched a Prime Movie "The Vouyers" its a pretty crazy movie, I do recommend it, its weird is the best way for me to describe it, but a bit intense, this couple all into watching another couple through their windows..... I dont want to give to much away, just go watch it.

We ate leftovers, well husband double ordered the chicken special we had friday when we went out for dinner, and got it again sat, but double orders, so of course we had it again today! Just re heated it.

We hung out on the couch together, husband did some writing at the dining room table for awhile then came back to join me. We just chatted, did some more questions, like I learned that he had masturbated at work before, I never knew that, and he told me how and where and his method to keep it quiet.

He learned that when we broke up I tried to meet a young guy for a hook up, after I saw the flick Y tu mamma tambien or whatever the title was I had some some older woman young guy fantasy, but that we met at a restaurant and their was no chemistry, I dont think for either of us, and it was just small talk, and we both left, and then the fantasy fizzled for me and went away, husband said "I never knew that, hmm so many things I dont know about you" but Im more curious and ask lots of questions, he doesnt do the same so sometimes things come up because of these questions we are answering together, and things that are awkward to talk about or we wouldnt dream of sharing with one another, we are now sharing.

We laid on the couch and then got up for bed about 11:30, I had a question, as my husband said he started to view and watch porn at around age 9, and it was a constant and how he learned about sex, so I asked him if he had ever tried anything he learned in porn and it went poorly or went well, etc.... see we have convos like that, open ones now. And I want to hear what he has to say. I find it fascinating seeing parts of him Ive never seen, or didnt know as we met up in our mid 20s, and already had experiences (me married with kids, him having slept with way more people then I, but also less relationship experience, short relationships or hookups were more his thing)

We knew one another for yrs, but online and in passing, and when my first marriage was starting to finally unravel, we went to events and saw one another, my ex was with me, or solo, and we were just friends, Id say Hello, give him a hug, one time I asked to sit in his vehicle that I loved.

So when he invited me to a party at his apt with his roomate and friends when I said my husband moved out, he said to get my mind off things and that he would cock block me for the eve. I decided to go. Mind you, I didnt go to house parties, all my teens and 20s up to this point I didnt drink, didnt party, I was in church groups and bible studies, married with kids. Also I knew him as a friend, but not really well, so that was awkward, then he said I could crash there if needed also, I for sure was not sleeping at some dudes apt! But something told me to pack a bag and throw in my pillow just in case. I dont normally drink a lot, just one drink, so I can drive home, etc, this was over an hour away from me.

I drove, a little nervous, I got to the door and knocked, and he answered the door with no shirt on in a pair of jeans, and Holy Shit, he was HOT! Mind you I had seen him before many times out, but fully covered. He comes across sorta Computer guy nerdy when fully dressed and covered up, but take that mans shirt off? BAM! Arms with muscles, broad chest, tatts and piercings all hiding another that shell of clothing and he has the most beautiful sexy arm tatt and have never seen anything like it on anyone else before. He was in excellent shape then and in the gym a lot and lowest weight, and I was sorta dumbfounded standing there as he opened the door, the confidence he exuded, just made me so nervous. He invited me in and he was getting ready, I was early, and he had to go back to his bathroom to finish getting ready, he told me to sit down, relax, take off my coat as I sat there are closed up and nervous on his bed as he was getting ready. Soon enough, his 2 guy buddies arrived who I already knew, actually knew one better then him. And then people started to arrive and I mingled around, his buddy was more hitting on me and flirting, the one I knew better, and another guy. But there was something about HIM that night, I watched him walk around and mingle and talk to people, out of the corner of my eye I keep just checking to see where he was. He was sexy and for the first time since knowing him I had an interest beyond friends building inside of me. Well he got a call that night during the party, some chick wanted to literally fuck him, and for him to come over, he was all torn about what to do, and even told me about it, I was sorta bummed, hoping he wouldnt bail. And I told him if he had, Id have probably left and gone home from the party myself shortly after that, as he was why I was there and offered to look out for me, but he didnt leave, he stayed.

We all then went to a dance club in several cars, we rode with a few others in a car, we sat in the backseat together, and then we ended up sitting on the edge of the stage, the 2 of us, everyone was off dancing and drinking and Im listening to his life story, and him getting emotional and talking about our friendship. By the time we left there and got in the car, we were holding hands. Then a trip to Dennys, late at night with people who had been drinking. Mind you I wasnt drunk, at all, not even buzzed, but the guys were rowdy, and almost got in a fight with some guy in Dennys, which was mortifying to me, just egos and drunk talk. I kept grabbing his leg under the table telling him NO, dont fight over and over and had told myself if that were to happen, Im leaving and going home. I had several times I said that in my head that night.

Well he didnt, and we got dropped back off at his apt, some people crashed on the couch and I asked him where I would be sleeping, he replied "Well my bed of course" and I took that as a sexy confidant take charge statement, but he literally meant it in a gentleman fashion. And he made a bed on the floor. I looked down at him and said "You can come up here you know" and he did. But he stayed way over on his side and gave me the back. Ha! By this point, there was this thick tension I was feeling, I wanted him up against me, I was tossing and turning, sighing, it felt like forever laying in the dark in his room, this sexy man next to me but not putting an arm around me or snuggling me or not making a move on me. I was going nuts. He had eventually turned over facing me, I grabbed his arm and scooted my body up against him and put his arm over my chest. He told me later that it was when I scooted my ass up against him tightly that he realized there was more going on. See this is what I mean by clueless and being Aspie.

I leaned my head back and we kissed and he touched me, and it was on, we made love that night, slow, relaxing, for a long period of time, and I remember thinking "Wow this guy can go a long time, Im not sure what to make of this" as it was longer then I was used too. But it was good, we were up till the sun was coming up and I had to leave for an even that am by 9am. I just figured this was a hookup? Was this a one night stand? How does this stuff work? Ive never done this before,,, and as I got ready to leave, I last min asked if he wanted to come with me, he said Yes. I was shocked, and I knew, if we were a hookup, one night stand, he would have just wanted to see me out the door and that would be it, but that wasnt the case, we spent all day together. And literally, we have been together technically ever since (we broke up for a bit during the dating yrs but were still talking and fucking even then) and it was mostly because once again, I didnt get him, he was unavailable, I wanted more of him, loved having sex, wanted to go on trips and getaways (which he avoided and was harsh about not going on) and I just didnt "get" him. Finding out he was Aspie is what really cleared up a lot of the past confusion stuff for us, he didnt know he was Aspie either, we were reading and Augustun Burroughs book together where he talked about his Aspie brother and I looked at him after reading that chapter and said "That is YOU" and we found a quiz and both took it, long quiz and he was so on the Aspie end, I was on the NT, normal end. And I devoured books and materials to learn about this.

But yeah, we love our first night story, we often relish in it, that the night just kept building and then we hooked up that night and we have been together almost since then. We dated and I saw him when my kids were with their Dad, so we were together maybe once a wk for an eve and then a wknd every other wk Id come stay at his place. That was my fave time, my divorce was hell and took 3 yrs to complete, and I loved escaping my town, my life and going where I didnt know anybody or my ex wouldnt pop up and being with this man. I was sexually assertive with him, which I wasnt in my first marriage at all. It was like I reclaimed my sexuality and I was assertive and it felt good. My Man now, was always a sensitive, thoughtful, considerate lover. I told him when I saw him open the door with the tatts and piercings, that I thought he was for sure Kinky, but he wasnt (he really was, but surpressed it for a long long time!)

So I appreciate all parts of him, his complexities and quirks, hes not typical. He loves to talk and listen to me talk about anything, he loves to snuggle and cuddle and always has, he gives awesome hugs, he loves good food and will pay whatever for a good meal and has shown me so many foods that are now in my life that I never had before him (Sushi, Thai, fusion, Greek, Indian) to just name a few, we are total foodies and love good food.

I went from being a church girl who was so concerned with living the RIGHT way whatever that is, keeping up the appearance of the church girl and also I was a total codependent person and grew up with an alcoholic father, I was a major people pleaser then. I also had only had intercourse with my ex husband. I had a few encounters towards the end of the marriage (Oral sex, touching, feeling) with 2 men, yes while married at the last stage of it, I fooled around, during my stage of trying to figure out what was going on (I didnt understand abuse and control dynamics) and had friends urging me to get help and attend a support group which I finally did.

So in one sense I didnt have lots of partner experience, while my husband did,, but at the same time, I had marriage/relationship experience. Having been with one partner only and together for over 10 yrs. I had a home, kids, job, all the things married people did, my Man rented a room and worked odd jobs. He didnt really have a career path then, he worked part time and made just enough to get by, but eventually, the longer were together, he got a job and that turned into a career, he didnt have a degree for, but had the smarts on his own and has been that profession ever since and changed companies several times over the yrs, during the pandemic, he was poached by 2 companies and got pay and bonus increases each time. So hes done well for himself. Im proud of him.

I did break up with him part way into our dating yrs, because he was always so cold sounding, and didnt make attempts to come see me, and it wasnt enough for me, plus he didnt know me as a mother with kids, he saw me outside of that. So I broke it off and began to date right away. I went out with a guy M, who I met online, he showed up and me and the kids went to the beach with him, he brought all kinds of cool stuff for playing at the beach, was great with my kids and a lot of fun. We talked about music, would sing tunes together in the car, laugh a lot. We talked about our ex's too as we both were in relationships where we werent ready to let go totally but frustrated by the way it was going. He ended up performing oral sex on me that night after the beach day, and i literally cried, because it has been so long since a man had gone down on me, my Man didnt really do that, so I wasnt used to it anymore, my ex used to do it, but I didnt have feelings of missing him or that with him. I went over to his place another time, this guy M, and took the kids as he invited us to swim in his pool, we were flirting, kisses and fondling in the closet or out of view of the kids here and there. I slept over, and we did have sex that night, but it was more of a quick penetration and I came practically from grinding on him. So that was as far as it went, then he told me the following day he followed my youngest son in the rest room stall and said they could change together. WHAT??? I flipped a switch and told him that was inappropriate, he blew me off saying "We are all guys" I said "I have a crazy ex, who would love anything to use in court against me, you cant do things like that" He was totally un apologetic about it, and let alone some dude going into a 5 yr old boys bathroom stall with him to change? NO FUCKING WAY. I never saw him again after that, I dont need a Pedo in my life whos going to do crap to my kids. Which the guy had a vasectomy already, no kids, never married, but LOVED kids? He didnt make sense

So that ended. I was in the gym a lot then, after work and had a group I worked out with, guys and gals, all prison workers, and they were my crew, and there was a guy at the gym I always noticed, thought he was hot and attractive, just eye candy to look at, he was typically alone, but always there, now and then one of the gals from our crew would briefly chat with him, so one day I asked her who he was, she replied "Oh hes super nice, want me to introduce you???" she was in a relationship, So she did a brief intro one day, that was that. I used to be on the precor or treadmill and see him and I always thought "Man, that guy could just grab me and kiss me" and had these fantasy thoughts like that, it was pure physical, the pheremones or whatever from the gym seeing him. Well one day he walked over to me and make small talk and we ended up outside the gym after or workout talking in front of the building. And thats where it all started. I began to date him and that lasted for several mos. He was a nice guy, sexy, helpful, hed come do things at my house for me without asking (yard work, fixing something) or hed cook for me at his place. But he hadnt dated in yrs, it was intentional and he refused to date anyone at the gym he said (until me) as he didnt want to ruin his face place if he broke up with someone, etc. He had done time in jail in the past, but he was clean and sober and had a tiny studio apt and worked and went to the gym, very regimented life. He was around my kids, came over for Christmas time to help me decorate the tree and I remember making out next to the tree with christmas lights and it being so romantic as my Man never was really into holidays or much romance like that. So I felt giddy in some regards. And by the way, gym guy would grab my head, the back of my hair and just kiss me, in such a turn on way, so yeah, I loved that. I met his Aunt and Gma, had lunch at their home, and it felt like we were moving into that meet the parents or family stage... he even met my ex and got along with him fine, only guy who did that. He went to a kids school function with me and made nice and chatted cars with my first ex husband.

Well, My Man ended up showing up at my door one night, after the breakup, he had waited under a tree and all that, but I was inside with Gym guy and I answered the door and was mortified to see him standing there while I have this sexy guy seated on my couch in the background. He said he wanted to talk to me, and I said it wasnt a good time and i had company, gym guy got up and said Hello and shook his hand, AWKWARD! And I had to shut the door and say goodbye to him.

I think my guy realized then, I was serious, I wasnt waiting around for him, he was not available for me int he way I wanted, so what did he expect? Well, he was just there for me still, we talked on the phone still. Gym guy and I were having sex now. He was good with foreplay but once we went to sex? He had to go take a Viagra and then it was like he switched gears, he wanted to fuck right then and there and it was like he wasnt present with me during sex, he was operating like a machine is the best way to describe it. He just fucked, a certain way and mechanically, not looking at me, talking to me, making love to me, instead he was just a jackhammer wanting to orgasm and be done. So I did notice that, but I still accepted that (Yeah Im too nice huh?) anyways, he would stay the night at my house often, and didnt sleep well, he tossed and turned a lot as he shoulder pain, so I never slept well when he was over, and one night I commented about speaking to my ex bf, My Man that is, and he got pissed, got up from my bed, put his shoes on and told me to stop talking to him and then told me to have sex with him to PROVE to him I love him, like then and there, it was really fucked up and controlling talk and it set up red flags of my previous marriage, he got really adamant saying I needed to fuck him now to show him I love him and I was like "Bye, theres the door" and we pretty much never recovered from that night. I saw him at the gym still and we kissed in the parking lot as he walked over and leaned in my car door and grabbed my hair and kissed me hard still, but eventually I changed my gym time so as not to see him there, I was too weak for that damn dominant style of kissing and had a hard time saying no to it, so I just had to be away.

ANd well, my Man, my ex bf, invited me and my kids to an overnight at a museum, he paid for all of us, it was a big to do and geared for my kids, it was New Years, and we spent the night in a museum and watched fireworks over the Queen Mary as my kids ran around with horns having a good ole time, and he wooed me back that night and we have been together since.

I have always just wanted more sex, more attn since the day I met him, Ive wanted to take trips and fuck one anothers brains out while exploring new places and eating good food, and everytime I planned those trips, he was a grump, mood killer, cancelled on me, lied to me saying he had to work and all manner of things, so it killed that being a fun romantic sexy thing. I just was dragging him along much of the time, and that sucked. That is a part of me and what I enjoy in life.

Im the girl who scouts out romantic places, is so excited to get there, and I would jump on the bed out of excitement upon arrival, but that all died after one or 2 trips with him and his stoic, serious, negative talk and sitting on his cell phone or turning on the tv in the hotel.

So yeah, I didnt have a man who was down to fuck me all over the place, and I was sad about it, but I loved him still, so I just dealt with it and pushed it to the side.

When we were dating and we would see eachother once a wk, those reunion times we did have sex, right away, Id attack him practically the minute I saw him and he was always good with that, wed spend all wknd often in bed and get up to go eat. So I did have good moments. I just wanted more. Here Im out of an unhappy marriage and with someone I really like and now Im sexually assertive and reclaiming my sexuality and I want to have lots of sex, he wanted to have sex, just maybe once a wk. Me? I wanted it whenever and not just making love, I wanted to be fucked, and to play and to be kinky, and and and... but I was too afraid to tell him that or vocalize that because he was busy playing Mr Gentleman, so we both set up this dynamic and expectations for one another and our behavior, when really we had each other all wrong for a LONG ASS TIME.

Assumptions will get you in a rut

Communication and being open will set you free, for good or bad, will let you be yourself

Talk to me over a yr ago?

I didnt talk dirty in bed
I didnt watch porn and had not in over 10 yrs and judged husband for it
I didnt vocalize I wanted to be dominated, tied up, restrained, all he knew was I like to be spanked and my hair pulled and I said that the last few yrs prior.
I didnt give blowjobs(maybe a handful in all our time together)
I hadnt bought new lingerie or sexy clothing in YEARS, felt no need for it, sex was so short and far an inbetween and he didnt seem to into it when I had worn it in the past.
We didnt have sex toys, maybe I had one vibrator but tossed it as it died and had none for yrs and didnt masturbate for yrs

So thats just some of what has changed, there is a lot more.

Tonight, he put on a porn vid, from 1984, it was one of his faves way back and he told me about it so he showed it to me... we watched it together but I was also sleepy but turned on and I fell asleep next to him in bed. He turned it off, and then later, I felt his hand touching my breasts and I just moaned and moved my body against his, I was sleepy but turned on, and he yanked my panties down and pushed his cock in me, Oh Yumm, as I said, my fave. We fucked like that a bit, and then I just got up and got on top of him and rode him and we talked, we love talked about one another and I dirty talked him to the point he held me still telling me I better stop or Im gonna make him cum NOW. So we paused, I then switched and sucked his cock and mouth fucked him, nice and sloppy wet. Then moved back to getting on top of him and we talked more, me telling him how much I love his cock... and more from there...

He finally came after I start to talk to him about a fantasy I know he has, which I fulfilled he said the other day with the Sailor moon outfit riding a huge dildo in front of him, I said I need to do more of that for him and he was losing his shit as I talked about that, I knnow he watches girls online do that, and I want to do that for him, I want him to be happy and I want to provide that trill to him and fantasy and do it more, it turns him on. I ended up not cumming so I grabbed the vibrator and he fingered me so good at the same time and made me cum, and then that is where this entry started, I scratched his to put him to sleep as he told me "Thank you for not giving up on me"

If he only knew how close i was to being out, how lonely I felt, how I was ready to live life without him and if the military guy Ive known for as long as Ive known him, who split with his wife, would have come and met me, I would have probably slept with him, I was starting to fantasize about that in my head, military guy didnt know that, but my mind thought it. So Im thankful in many ways, that we didnt see one another as I have no idea where my life would have gone. We have been long time friends and confidants for over 20 yrs, and respectful of one another and encouraging of our marriages, but I think if the moment presented itself and we were both on the market, we would give it a go. But Im so glad things improved with husband and I.

Gonna wrap this up for now, its near morning, lots to do Monday and Im gonna be tired. Later