Slowly descending into madness
2022-07-30 18:39:28 (UTC)


এইবার খুব বেশি একটা বৃষ্টি হয় নাই গত বছরের তুলনায়। একদিক থেকে ভালো হইসে, আলহামদুলিল্লাহ। বৃষ্টি পরতে দেখলেই আমি প্যারা খাই। কারন আজাইরা জিনিস নিয়ে প্যারা খাওয়ায় আমার আর কোনো কম্পিটিশন নাই৷ Probably because I associate rain with him.

Here's a weird asf thought. A part of me wants to go back to Walton. Yes, I know I can do far better than that. But a part of me does kinda yearn for that place, Idk why. I liked Bashundhara overall. It wasn’t a bad experience.

These days I'm having a lot of trouble with anxiety and depression. After 5 months, in sha Allah will graduate. What happens then? Arnob is telling me to apply for light castle. And if I do my master's in marketing research, I should listen to him. Then again, I'm truly conflicted about everything. I don’t have any idea what to do. Every night it's bugging me and every night I end up crying. It’s getting harder to deal with stress. This continuous thought is, if I kill myself right now, I don’t have to deal with anything else. Talk about being an escapist.

I really don’t know what to do. I'm in the dark.

A few days ago, a university friend said something so sad I can't get it out of my head. We were talking about first year. And he told me I used to look very sad and I was seen crying a lot. It was hard for him to take but he didn’t know what else to do.

See, stuff like that honestly makes me angry, angry at my ex. I can't even remember what I went through but it was so obvious, other people did notice me. And even though I forgot pretty much everything, they can't. This is infuriating that he made me cry for an entire semester. Talk about being traumatised. Good God.