GoodGirl

Conflict

Dear Diary,
Well I looked, round trip flight, the cheapest is around $600. Plus a hotel, my brother and his wife are staying a hotel near the airport and getting in late wed night and flying back out friday, so thought I could see and hitch a ride with them to and from the funeral, to my aunts, etc as then I wouldnt need to rent a car, but still, ugh, Id have to go shopping today and buy something to wear as all I have is shorts with me. Had a comment about staying in a hotel with my bro, yeah that wont happen, my sisters? Sure but not my brother. So all in all, its gonna cost me around $1000 to try and go for 2 days....

I looked at the drive time from here, its 22 hrs, its actually just 4 more hrs from here to get there then from where I live, its 19 hrs from my home, but then I would need to go there to get my good long distance vehicle and grab clothes to wear, and Id be exhausted, but its doable, but then I need to leave NOW..

But then Im asking myself "Do I stay put and see my son? By the way just spoke to him, he can see me after 4pm" so that scraps that. I last saw him in January. And I was going to go by and visit friends and my ex's aunt, those who are alive and I havent seen awhile, some in yrs. Do I stay and see the living and people I can make time with or stress myself to be there? Its such a conflicting feeling you know? My sister is texting me that everyone is there, at my cousins, going through old photos, telling stories, etc... planning the funeral stuff. All the grandkids are writing letters about grandpa. Its like that FOMO feeling for being with your family, and its all I have left, but then I have my son here, my sons are both still knuckleheads, but still, they are my knuckleheads who I pray shape up in the future (hes 27)

I was planning to go visit Mr S today, hes someone I have known and his business since childhood and my mom, we always went there together, I have a bond with him, he was the first place I went that day after my Mom died and walk in his store, hes older then my Mom, and still kicking and running a store (hopefully) I got here too late yesterday after hrs, so going by today, I walked in and he was so excited to see me. I always go and we sit and talk for hours, mom used to go too, but now its just me when I pop into town. And I walked in the day after Moms death and he was so happy and he saw my face, and I told him and he yelled OH NO and we hugged and cried together. THose are things you dont forget, he wont always be around, heck I wonder if hes still there running it or if his son is but either way, Ill know today as long as the place is open.

Plus seeing my gf, she wants me to come by tomm am, she sent me a lot of texts about her pain, not being able to grip, not being able to get up and go anymore, her pain, but shes still writing about what she wants to feed me (cultural thing, she just wants to feed me when I see her)

So do I make the trip and stress myself out to get there for the funeral, or do I stay put and see my son and friends who have been just as close to me as family? Who actually have been closer to me in many regards then any of my blood family? And some I havent seen in a few yrs, many of these people came and brought me food and came to my moms funeral and were there for me.

I did write to ask if they new if the funeral home would stream the service, havent heard back. I think the thing is, I wanted to be there for the funeral and knew it was gonna happen, just not that fast, but I guess they are having the viewing and all that and then he will be cremated after the services.

blah

Now did all my cousins come out for my moms funeral? ALl the family? No, My Aunt and Uncle, her bro and sis came, not sis in law, not cousins of mine, and we helped pay for their flights and put them up at my parents house, drove them, we just took care of it all no questions asked.

My Dads funeral? Everyone was there, except my 2 knucklehead sons, we all flew back, but then my bro paid for our flights and hotel room, for my big sis, husband and I, he knew we couldnt swing it. We all went back to the homestead where this is happening as my Dad wanted to be buried in his hometown with his parents. but everyone else was within 2 hrs distance and we had planned over a month in advance so everyone was able to be there.

Well Im all ready for the day, guess I need to get in the car and go see Mr S, and G, and Aunt G(ex's aunt and uncle who Ive always been on good terms with), got visit N, see my son later, and maybe K.... its more of fitting in who I can and how much time Ive got to visit them all. K is a long family friend also who I always saw in town and she came to Moms and all, I havent seen her in quite awhile, probably since after Mom died over 6 yrs ago. She came and took a lot of Moms furniture we couldnt keep or was too big.

Mom and Dads house is now painted brown, with brown trim, used to be a bluish gray with white trim... saw it yesterday behind the big fence hiding it they put up, you can barely see it, just the roof and trim thats how high the fence is.

THat was my home too. ahh life