Evolving marriage
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2022-07-26 05:34:02 (UTC)

Ugh Short Notice Funeral

Dear Diary,

Well Im sitting here in my friends guest room in the dark with my laptop, his dog wanted to stay with me, has followed me everywhere I go. He said this dog thinks its a cat, he doesnt want pets and kisses, he just wants to hang out next to you. He doesnt jump on me, which Im glad about that. So its cute.

SO Im out of state, over 7 plus hrs away, and then get word they are having the funeral on thurs am for my Uncle. Yikes didnt expect it that fast! Shoot, its a 2 day drive for me to get there and now that Ive driven the total other direction that would be a 3 day exhausting drive. I really want to be there, but ugh, and I need to drive back home to get the new car as Im in our stick which I took for just this trip, but I have all the comfort in the new car, and if Im going there I was taking everything for the house there (Ac Unit, mini fridge, electic skillet, and other things)

I could try and fly but we are over an hour and a half from an airport that has limited airlines from it, I could try and fly from here, my friend said he could take me to the airport, but then Id have to rent a car, hotel, and turn around and would cost a lot for a quick trip when I was planning to come here already.

I dont think anyone will be upset at me for not going, and its not that I dont want to, if it was next wk Id go.... ugh, my brother bought tickets and is getting in late Wed night with his wife, my middle sis is already there, she is helping with all the funeral costs and planning for my Aunt and is getting an early viewing of my Uncle to say goodbye as she already booked her flight home wed night.

Sometimes you feel a sense of obligation, but then its just a big stressful mess to make it happen and why? Would my Uncle care? Is it me thinking my Aunt would be all judgy if I dont? What do I want to do? I want to go, but not under the wire like this and driving 3 days, Id literally have to leave here tomm, drive over 7 hrs to get home, pack all that stuff, switch cars and then drive 19 hrs in 2 days to get there the night before. Its at 11am

My husband said "Well how do they expect everyone to be able to attend at such short notice?" I said I didnt know, My mom we had it a month after her passing. And made sure my Aunt and Uncle could attend even assisted them with cost, I switched them to Burbank instead of LAX as it sucks traffic wise and driving around there, and we drove them back and forth.

But hey, they have their reasons Im sure, Im just bummed its such short notice.

So I met up with my gf and got my hair cut and layered, its so long down to the middle of my back. Looks really good and we caught up.

Then went to the cemetery to see Moms grave, looks horrid, her stone is all faded and scratched, they are driving vehicles or the mower over the stones and scratching them, I sent a pic to my siblings and my brother said it looks like water has settled on mom stone and it needs to be polished, it just looks bad. :(

I drove by my old house where husband and I lived which is just across from the cemetery, our old st. And I drove by my house I grew up in and then the house we moved into when I was high school and where my parents lived until they both passed away. I drove by my gfs house that her parents just sold a few yrs ago down the st and her Dad just passed away not long ago. So many memories in my hometown at so many turns.

As I said, Im with one of my oldest friends, and hes male, we are friends in my Baby Book, and lived 5 houses apart most of our lives up till high school, we attended all the same schools, we spent a lot of time together, and then he moved to the other side of town and then so did my parents. I still went over to visit a few times at the new house and wed hang out. He worked in town and Id go visit him working his shifts and knock on the back door and sit in the studio with him.

We have been good friends, very sibling like, and never ever dated, kissed, or hooked up. His wife (They have been separated living apart over 2 yrs now) but were living in separate parts of the house the last several yrs of his marriage living together. They are not officially divorced, but have both dated, etc and he has his own house now which is where I am. He said she couldnt stand that we had such a bond and memories and it pissed her off. Luckily my husband is totally cool, he trusts me, trusts him and believes what Ive told him about our relationship. So its cool but not all people understand that.

We talked, we went out for Thai food for dinner and got back to walk his dog, he had a stroke recently and had a scare, and cant do a lot of activity he used too. He broke up with the last gf, same reason as the other one, they want more and he cant give them that. they get too needy as he puts it.

So yeah, hes off to bed, and informs me the only thing that has helped him with feeling better and his insomia probs is Edibles! But he only does it on the wknds and sleeps great, but the wkdays he cant as he has to be in the studio and on point and it makes him a little bit dopey.

So Im not the only one who thinks they are great!

I reached out to a gf, she has been in and out of drs, hospital lots of pain issues, she had them last time we saw one another and has been in rough shape, so its a bit stressful to visit with her , but she is a good friend, one of my old church friend couples, beautiful good looking couple, but she has so much chronic pain, they used to do poker nights and they drank with all the church folks, so they always felt a little more edgy in some ways? But dunno,,, I just felt I should see her, shes super affectionate and when we are together we hug a lot, she holds my hand, when we were in church together she always had her arm around my back. Shes just very loving. But yeah after you listen to all these shows you begin to wonder about people, you know?

I have many other people Ill try to see tomm and try and hit up my oldest

My friend said I can stay as long as I want, I told him the plan is to leave Wed, unless something comes up or I want to stay longer. I just think trying to make the funeral will be so stressful and expensive and exhausting.. Im going to go look for some cards to send to my relatives and write them a note.

I just envisioned reading this paper my Uncle wrote when he was in high school, it was in my moms family history stuff, My uncle spoke about riding in a Model T and going with my Dad to the military base, getting a flat tire and the long trip... its like an adventure and comedic .... they were teenagers and this was before my Mom and Dad were married.

I listened to several couples of That Couple Next Door podcast, they were pretty wild and juicy,,,,, makes me wonder if we would have friends like them if we were in the Lifestyle, or what type of a circle of friends we would make.

I slept okay in Vegas, I did wake up during the night and felt aroused, funny Ive had this happen recently at home also, not normal for me. I wake up and literally am touching myself and am aware and then drift back off to sleep. I think the only time in my life Ive had close to that was when Id sometimes dream hubby and I were having sex, back when it was sporadic, Id dream that way and wake up in the middle of having sex with him in a dream and it felt real and Id wake up and realize. But now this is just me waking up and aware of my body and touching my chest and rubbing my pussy, I dont masterbate, Im just touching and its like Im in and out sleep.

I keep wondering if my old gf I hung out with for yrs from church will find out Im here or make a comment to me. Ive avoided her last several trips. I havent talked to her in well over a yr or more, Im avoiding her, shes on facebook with me, but I dont want to talk to her. She was my person for yrs, we talked all the time and we even flew her out to stay with us one THanksgiving. Shes gone full on speaking in tongues, casting out demons, protesting with signs, and Im not saying I wasnt like her, (minus the tongues) but I have been like her, but every convo is about my Walk with Jesus or all of that, and its heavy, and for those newly reading me, I got saved, born again at age 16, have been in the church ever since, and really stopped going a few yrs back, It was about losing my faith or anything at the time, it was about the church itself, the script, routine, method, the formula, the hip pastor in jeans and expensive shoes with a cool hairstyle, the music and worship with fog, lights, its like a concert, the message, the coffee shop, the church book stores and all the lingo, I realized it was happening all over and being mimiced and became the popular formula and how much is this what Christ wanted for the Church to be? My ex was a youth pastor also and that marriage was just a mess, he was narcissist who used christianity and abused with it.

So I know all the judgements to place on myself, Im not in church, Im allowing in demons to my life, Im not in the word, Im backsliding, I need to repent,

And Ive lived more then half my life this way and then a few yrs ago I started to back away from things (there is much more then I have written here)

And I am doing things I would have judged others for doing, and Im deconstructing my Faith now, figuring out the parts Im okay with and the parts that are man made and all of that.

Well my eyes are getting sleepy, so gonna cut this off here, Later

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