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2022-07-24 20:05:45 (UTC)

not quite fair

This is the worst phase of my life I've ever lived in.
I'll have times like these, late afternoon or early evening, natural light coming in through my window and everything caught in that glow. And I'll feel so empty. Like those nights coming home from family gatherings at Grams house. Or *that* summer break's night. But then there'll be times where I actually feel good, like today, and everything seems fine. Except it isn't, because while sadness or whatever emptiness I was feeling isn't a problem right now, everything else I'm doing is. Feels wrong.
I don't feel right having *those* sorts of experiences or relating to *those* as I am now. Too young and too naive to even be venturing into that sort of stuff. The curiosity it inspires is dangerous.

[Some of these rock(?) bands' songs really give off teen (o) head banging and going at it with a guitar energy]

It isn't you. And it isn't emotions. Not your surroundings.
But your actions.

I can't keep doing this. I really just shouldn't be doing this. At all. It actually makes me feel a little sick in the stomach thinking about it. I do not need that sort of thing right now. At all.

I had felt that same feeling before, most likely, since it reminded me so much of that time. But the inability to go back is

I can't exactly remember what I felt when I began writing this.
I don't want to consume that sort of content. I don't see myself ever getting into that sort of situation and anything close to it would be completely unique and different from what I'd think.
So many cancelled bands
Music that reminds me of a time. Music that I'll always want to listen to during these times.
Howl kinnie? didn't know they existed bro. rewatching made me realize that dude really had issues beauty and love.

I think it's the realization that I'll never get to experience these things for the first time again. I can only continue seeking new things and hoping that I'll be impacted as much as those things affected me. I'll never be able to listen to those songs for the first time and discover them in such a way that it stuck. I won't be able to--
I think it's goodbyes. It's the endings.
Leaving her house.
Leaving my family.
Leaving those memories.
Ending a show.
Ending a movie for the first time.
Ending a series.

I haven't had many impactful goodbyes

i dont really care about this besides the disturbed feeling about *that* which will remain. im aware, only a bit, of myself, identity-wise.
its really childish i know
but its still a part of my life that i consider important now
later on maybe not but its better to be present, somewwhat, i think
im sure there are old people who have silly (..) things that impacted them or were important to them despite the insignificance of it
like maybe a favorite stick or rock or something. or a imaginary friend they had. or something else idk bro

its night now though.

i guess I'll end this off by saying im deleting that stuff, cuz i am. not the other stuff though, but it aint that bad.
this would be a good ending to my movie.
the musics great.
the lighting is sucking me in and completely blacking out everything outside my screen.
my family is probably turned in.
it was a pretty great day.
right now would be the best time to die.
if only it weren't the daunting afterlife that expected me i'd be oh so willing with my shortly lived life.

gantz? i will. i keep putting everything on the backburner for everything else. might as well do the short stuff first right? i mean that bruce playlist will never shorten. and genshin (IK) will probably never stop getting added to (referring to the near future). and language is something that takes time. and those errands I need to look into- yeah im never doing those. but i also need to shower tomorrow and do my hair? ugh. there's also the contro playlist which will also never end. generally just a mess of activities and no sche- OHHHH
yeha im dumb
i don tneed a fudging spinning wheel, i need a time and place to do those things. definitely binge watching anime during the night because day watching feels like a waste.
takin a shower in the morning first thing before anything else cuz thats just how we roll
playing and watching yrgdeocommentaryandallthatjazz during the day bc its entertaining and feels fulfilling and its easy to stop thinking with that
might use spinner for game choice though
writing is something i'll really get back into once ive got a new journal inhand, the ambidextrous thing is obviously not a consistent thing for now
gonna have to set a time for the language thing.
UGHHH binging anime can be boring tho, its cool as a passtime when ur acytually bored iwthout options but setting aside time for it??? woooo that gets torturous fast for me. idk how i started and actually continued aot, i mustve been so bored, mustve not discovered rage, or bruce and them, mustve not even gotten into those fudging video documentary essay things about influencers' demises.
my attention span? maybe it was elongated during the school year with hour long classes and such. but rn?? nah bro im good cant.

i'll manage. i want soup. gotta go though. i need a checklist UGHHH I NEED A CHECKLIST NOOO
2. HYGIENE??? HAIR?!!! NO YES I NEED TO I DONT WANT TO NOOO :((( i can go a day with nappy messy hair broskillet wear bonnet tho
5. set an alarm for 2:18pm (or 5 hours after waking up and dont freaking ignore it for some game quest i will literally eat your soul) to start going through a few french duolingos just for kicks and giggles since el padre is on that type of timing
6. Eat again after languages are through with (insert star wink)
7. do whatever i dont really care
8. sleep???? NO WATCH ANIME or attempt to
my attention span has reached a very low point when it comes to shows tbh
def making a spin wheel for anime choice of the night if push comes to shove
(the magic girl shows, fudging Aggretsuko, gantz, TOMODACHI GAME OMGLDKFJAKDA NOOOOO that is not going on the list till i finish the manga tokyo revengers is the same situation but now that it has an anime and all the hype ive lowkey become desensitized by the plot that once intrigued me, so uh yeah) def spinning a wheel for that i think>???? idk cuz rn im not rly feeling like watching anything but i need to start sooner rather than later. rly the only things to remember are to wake up, binge SOMETHING, language, and uh what hm wahtever

tried to get me again but u failed aehahaheah