Notes from my Black
The death stare in neutral
I could get emotional about it, I could dwell on it, I could probably care more, this leading to dwelling and being emotional, but I’m a little neutral.
I promised myself a while back that whatever she did, I’d love my own path that I feel comfortable with. Now I’m not completely doing that, but I’m sure trying.
She took a car ride with our son tonight. She kinda needed to since she set the sprinkler on her car. I found it pretty soaked. I was like… um… whatever, my old convertible was left open in the rain a few times and it was cloth. This one’s leather. Anyway, I dried it. She took a 30 minute drive to help it dry even moreso.
Apparently the drive wasn’t so nice. Our son started throwing a fit and punched the car. He’s a little jerk about anger management sometimes. I don’t actually know the specifics. I didn’t go. All I know is she’s pissed. And she looks at me like I did something horrible. Um, no. I fed the dogs, cats and put them all up. I put stuff away and prepped his bedroom for bedtime. I put my shoes I washed in the porch to dry for tomorrow. Then I sat on the couch and flipped to find something gear down they might be ok with. It’s not like I did anything disagreeable.
So why the stare? Idk… she said something about getting an allowance. This is garbage. She has more cash in her private account than I have in my investment account and she’s still using the credit card like she’s just trying to bankrupt us.
I don’t know… I talked to my sister the other day. I had about 30 minutes where she wasn’t there. So I told my sister what was going on. She commiserated… and told me she was in the opposite side of life. I didn’t expect that. She and her husband had been roommates too. Turns out my sis is making a great effort to show up for him every day. In turn, he is showing up for her. Nice, right? I’m happy for them. I tried that. What I got was thanks for the cake, give me the bakery. Thanks for the bakery, now I want the industry.
Don’t be literal here. She just kept asking for more and more until I was pretzeling myself and I lost my own self and frankly my own dignity.
So I can take the death stare. I can see she was crying during the drive. I’m not blind or stupid. I’m just not going to engage that conversation or give merit to her emotional state. Not right now.
This distancing has gotten pretty extreme. On the other hand, I should look at the brighter side. If it gets just a little more, she won’t want to talk to me anymore. I’m thinking, with the conversations we’ve had lately where it’s more of a I’m a jerk because of these 47 reasons, I’m not going to lament the lack of words between us.
In years past, this abandonment would have hurt deeply. I’m going to say that therapy really did help. I don’t need her validation. I think that hurts her more than anything.