Slowly descending into madness
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2022-07-20 04:38:41 (UTC)

Why do you cry? We’re all gonna die

I'm bothered about stuff I can't talk about, I can't write about. These are the secrets I'll be buried with. I wish there was someone who would listen to me just for once and understand why I'm so angry with everything.

I wish I could express. I wish instead of escaping, I could just talk.

One of my favourite scenes of You season 3 is when Love screams at Joe, "why don't you love me anymore?" Simple line. But it's not that simple to ask someone that in real life. I love this scene because it's only possible in tv series and movies. In real life, we can't actually ask someone this, specially where there's no sense of belonging. We don't have any right.

"Did you get enough love, my little dove
Why do you cry?
And I'm sorry I left, but it was for the best
Though it never felt right
My little Versailles"

No I didn’t get enough love. Over the past 1.5 years I only hurt myself and got nothing in return. Last year, in July I started an internship just so I could get out of my house and see him. I missed out on so much. I missed out on having a little bit of time to myself, I missed out on watching the afternoon skies, you see why I'm angry right? Because the ultimate outcome is zero. I got nothing in return. A little bit of appreciation would have been nice but HE DOESN’T EVEN REALIZE WHAT HE PUT ME THROUGH. I'M BASICALLY A MENTAL PATIENT BECAUSE OF HIM. I swear I'm sure if I hold him accountable for these things, this is what I'll get in reply, "I didn’t ask you to do this for me". He did, he kept on hurting me even though he knew I had strict parents. I pushed all of my boundaries at home because of him and what I get in return is, " yeah maybe in another life." No, fuck you, you don’t deserve me in this life, you don’t deserve me in another life, you just don't fucking deserve me. Like what is even the point? Apparently hurting me in this life wasn’t enough, he wants to repeat this in another life. I'll never forgive him. Everyone has a limit and I crossed mine months ago. In return, what I got was accusations after accusations, bullshit that has no base.

Yearning for lost love apart, I actually had a quiet little time to myself on full moon this month. I lied on my floor with lights off, blasting music really loud and I just looked at the moon and I cried. Religious experience I'd say and highly recommended. I did miss smoking a bit, and I think I'm going to start again. Helps with stress, misery and everything I'm going through. June is telling me not to smoke weed. It'll get me addicted he thinks. I think as long as I'm not bothering anyone else about my problems, I'm fine.