Evolving marriage
2022-07-18 08:48:56 (UTC)

Late night Vibrations

Dear Diary,
So husband got a little irritable, grumpy after my last entry, sorta made me sad as I just wrote that entry and his mood was different. But he was just agitated, with his Aspie traits, when I move things around, it sends him into a fit, and it was just me cleaning up and organizing the kitchen, but he came in after cooking and re assured me things were okay, he was just frustrated and he was sorry for being snippy with me.

We had dinner, we watched the other Submission of Emma Marx, I think it was the Evolved episode. Well in this one, shes living in a house with 2 girls and the one girl is into kinky sex and then finds out Emma had that in her past(she doesnt anymore but has a trunk of all her toys)

And the girl asks Emma to train her, and I think from that point on. WOW.

It was so wild for me to watch, I was totally intrigued, sucked in, I was fixated and my head mentally was going along with all of the things she was doing, Emma to the girl and the girls reaction, and at one point she brings in a few guys with her blindfolded and says to just enjoy and to choose her Dom from these men, and she does, the scene was hot, but then she chooses the guy and they have 30 min alone after that.

HOLY SHIT, I literally lost myself in the midst of it, husband was asking if I was okay, I said this was so good and intense...

I have watched lots of porn vids on bdsm, but they are more like short clips, many pretty extreme. But this was slow, sensual, tension building a lot of the mental talk, and I loved it, and I sat there watching and thinking "Wow, if this is more of what its like, this is totally for ME"

I cannot speak for what its like or the reality of that world. I can only speak what I know about myself and how I feel. I feel Im a blend of things

There was a scene in Mad Men when we watched where hes having an affair with this married older woman and its hot and passionate, he picks out this dress for her, or lingerie, they have this nice hotel, and he tells her to stay in bed and wait for him, and that scene when we watched it got me so hot. And shes left waiting, having no idea when he will return, (it doesnt turn out great in the end as she cant do the long wait) But I remember telling my husband how hot that was and I would love something like that. Being left to wait in lingerie for sex, not knowing when the person will return, but keeping me wound up or dropping in, leaving again and telling me what I can and cant do sounded thrilling.

So watching the film tonight, WOW

Her requests, the things he did to her, all the tension and anticipation and begging. Mmmmm

I seriously was so turned on and felt high just from watching that, got up to clean up dishes, dinner leftovers and husband came up behind me and said "What else do you want to do?" I said "I want you to tie me up and tease me in the bedroom" and he said "We can do that" and motioned me to get to the bedroom.

We go in and had to move the mattress as the restraint straps were under it and on the floor, and put them back in place, and I have the wrist and ankle straps on the bedposts. He told me to sit on the end of the mattress and he put the ankle ones on, he told me he was dissappointed in me with how loose my wrist ones were. I love that hes slowly learning to be more Dominant and talk that way, its a turn on. Now granted, I was expecting to be strapped in right away spread apart, arms and legs like an X, but instead, he just pulled me to the end of the mattress and grabbed the vibrator and began to tease me and enter me as I was on my back on the edge of the bed. We discussed me having to ask permission to cum, we have never really done that but I have wanted to, and so tonight that was the deal and I told him "Dont just give in to me, tell me no sometimes" he said "OH I will"

He teased me for a bit and got another toy, its called the TIV or something? I forget who makes it, but another one with a knot and it really wound me up and made me so sensitive inside. And then he alternated putting himself inside of me and then the toy and using the vibrator all at the same time. I made a comment about how he could chain me to the posts at this ankle as I was sad he hadnt done that yet, so he said yes he can, and he just attached both my arms to the corner of the bed but sideways. And he continued with what he was doing. I was starting to feel I was about to cum and I blurted out "Im gonna cum!" and he said "Yeah and?" and he kept going, I said something about having to cum again and he reminded me "You are to ask for permission remember?" and I laughed and realized I was so out of it I couldnt even formulate thos words and apologized, and we resumed, he did smack my breast in a teasing way for not asking properly.

So lets try again, and I muttered it wrong the second time, not on purpose, just my brain was slow to catch up with what my body was feeling, so by the third try, I was able to say "May I please cum?" and he nodded at me and said Yes

And I came, and he kept going, and I was going to cum again, and asked him again, and he said Yes, at this point, I got to 4 in a row and the last one was so intense and I was just jello and in a haze,,, he came on my stomach and I saw it spurt up before landing on me. He was grunting, reminds me of the sound of a bull and I love hearing him like that. He loosened my ankles after while I could barely even turn my body sideways I was so out of it. He cleaned me off with a towell, told me how beautiful and sexy I am, I then stood up and told him "I know you dont want to do more, but just know I was you to know how grateful I am for you and I want to show you my appreciation, and I got down and took his cock in my mouth, gently sucking briefly and then came back up and he told me to lie down, and said hed be right back as he took the toys to the bathroom sink.

He came back and we laid together, I was in that place, where I lay there with my eyes closed and Im still replaying what was happening, him fucking me and me cumming over and over again. My body still lightly moving as if its still happening and Im making soft light moaning sounds to myself, he said "Are you doing okay?" he had offered me water which I took, I said "Yes, Im just having flashbacks to what just happened" He said "Well it must have been good then" I just came up and kissed him on the mouth and the laid back down on his chest. I was pretty spacy for a bit.

But eventually we got up and both took a quick epsom bath soak. We have to, the both of us, we get sore from all the play and the epsom salt baths are the best for it to keep us okay. His cock was raw on the end from everything we have been doing, Ive been more chaffed around my vagina, but the bath, and some aloe, vit E and this comfrey cream seem to help, and sometimes an ice pack.

We ended up talking, he asked me during the film we watched as the last scene had a double penetration, he said "Weird question? If you were able to do that, would you want me to be a part of it? Or watch you do it?" I said "You be a part of it of course" a double penetration.

we talked about sex, about body image, hes always had a poor one, said he has always had body dysmorphia and we have been down this road and this talk many times, I told him Im just here to take a sledgehammer to his old thoughts each time he starts the negative image self talk. I find this man utterly sexy, and I tell him all the time, have always said that and been attracted to him for about 20 yrs! So cmon now! But its the old stuff, we talked about high school, our early yrs and I told him "Well Nerds rule anyways" yeah they may be awkward socially and behind in things others are doing, but they get more time to develop other parts of themselves. As I said I didnt have to worry about boys, sex through Jr High and half of high school, I was able to enjoy being a kid longer and I dont regret that, being popular seemed so cool back then but then you see those people later in life and they are like stunted and still like that and shallow, many of them we have met down the road.

Anyways, he is a beautiful man, and he always jokes "Yeah well you just have poor taste" or "Thats cause your mentally ill" or something like that but it does get old and I said its not sexy to hear him talk like that.

We are always hardest on ourselves and I talk of my body struggles I have had since I was young, but once again, I have just reached a point to not let it dominate my life. I have a husband who loves me how I am right now, doesnt judge anything about my body, he tells me Im sexy and beautiful and when Im feeling crummy or not put together he often says "Yeah well, Id still do you" and has said that for most of our relationship. So at a certain point, I had to get over my own body image stuff, as it gets in the way, when you dont feel comfortable naked around your partner, feel a need to cover parts of yourself, feel the need for the lights out or not to be seen in certain positions, or your body to make certain sounds, etc.

Well I have let all that down and just felt free, he loves me how I am, yes I want to make improvements, weight, exercise, but thats something I can work on for me and I do. And the rest, just enjoy my body and him and feel free and not inhibited by what society or media says is the standard of beauty,

Who really cares in the end? But the 2 people together enjoying one another and if anything gets in the way, its all mental most of it, and its ruins things for the two people.

So yeah, Its after 3am now. I had fallen asleep with him and slept about an hr, and woke up horny and touching myself and moaning, was I dreaming? I got up out of bed and got on the couch, I have masterbated twice. Seriously at times Im like "What the heck? How many times do you need to do this?"

I was dirty talking to myself on the couch while using the vibrator, I said many of the lines from the movie, and I just went through the list "I want your cum in my mouth, in my pussy, in my ass" to "I want to drink you, feed me, drain your cock, your balls, give it to me" and I went and got a dildo and practiced deep throating while using the vibrator, yes, ummm, when I let it go back to my throat, I want to cum then, I kept experimenting while using the vibrator on my clit and the dildo hitting the back of my throat, I didnt gag at all, but I wanted to cum and prolonged it a bit. I was saying "Im a cum slut, use all my holes" and everything imaginable that I could think of. I even spoke of another man from the past and that I wanted to suck his cock and swallow also.

Woah,,, I have not even used my Testosterone cream in days, I have such a low dose but I know I get transference from his and his dosage is so much higher then mine, and the other day when I went to suck on his balls and had started he told me he had cream there, well, too late, I did stop but I had already taken him in my mouth, so I knew I got a good dose just doing that.

So I lay low on my usage most of the time, Im on some groups online of other women on hormones, and many on pellets (im on cream) and they are over dosed, losing hair, and other problems, my dr has me on a low dose and I even cut that in half or sometimes skip days as my libido is so high, and I know all this sex also helps create more testosterone. Im waiting on my lab work now for my next appt with the dr to just review how my levels are of female hormones and testosterone.

Suzanne Sommers had said she and her husband have sex everyday, often 3 times a day and I though that was BS when I heard it yrs ago, shes pro Bio Identical hormones and now I get it. I totally get what she was talking about, as we are now there ourselves.

But I think many times, Im insatiable.... and I wonder how freaky I would be in a swinger party type situation? My husband said today when we were looking at my pinterest pics for yard ideas Ive saved over the yrs, a few I have an outdoor type shower, and I love those and he said "Well of course you do, you will need it for your swinger parties" and I laugh,,, hes been making comments as of late like that. I think its easier for him to make it about me, because hes not as comfortable talking yet as I am, hes getting better, but hes told me he does have an interest, he just has no idea how that would work. Im also not pushing for it, I just find it fun to talk about with him. And I do wonder how he would change, in the lifestyle, for the good? I mean he wasnt a virgin or anything when we got together, I have had fewer partners then him, yet I was married, had kids and experienced a bit of kink in that marriage, so I had different experiences then he did. He had more hook ups and sex but not much long term commitment or long term sex with a partner, so we each have varities in our lives, he also grew up watching loads of porn, starting at a young age, I did watch porn young also but didnt have much access, so it was small doses.

The submissive stuff? Ive always felt a part of that in me. Where that stems from? Not sure

but as of today I can say, I want to kneel in front of him naked or in lingerie, I want him to pick out what I wear, I want to wear something slutty

I want to worship his cock, I want him to tell me to suck it, grab my hair, guide my head on how to move, I want him to hold me against his groin, I want to drool all over it and suck and deep throat it. I want him to face fuck me, like that or in bed, me on my back and him over me with it in my face. I want him to cum in my throat, I want it daily if I had my way, or I want him to hold his cock in front of my mouth as I hold it open as he cums. I want him to command me to come to him and give him a blowjob.

These are just little bits of how I feel..... I want to be available to him, I want to satisfy his needs, but I think mine far excede his. I want to be tied up, bound, my breasts bound, I want to be spanked on the ass with his hand or the crop we have, I want my hair pulled, I like nipple clamps, light biting and pulling of my breasts, I like him smacking my pussy with his hand or the crop. I like being spread apart, I like being toyed with all manner of things, in my pussy and anally(athough not as much has happened anally, he keeps saying its fun but not his thing as much) so I try not push that, but secretly I crave it, I want him to fuck me anally or use a toy and make me gape and lick me and rim me. (I have done this too him and really got off on it)

I would love to just be dressed as his little slut and do the housework and cooking for him dressed like that. Or even if Im doing work outside, Id like to be in a tight t shirt with no bra, white t shirt. I want him to fuck me in our new vehicle, drive me out somewhere and bend me over the back of it, back trunk door open. Hes not much for sex in other places, I am, and thats an old part of me, and he knows that. Heck we finally had sex on our couch recently for the first time! Hes always had sex with me in our bed. I said we need to do it in every room. Luckily this last week he fucked me from behind at the stove as I was making cookies.

But I want to fuck in public (well in places but not in front of people that is) I want to fool around in the car, I want to play under the table, all of that stuff. This has always been ME, but its been suppressed. But I knew it was me, way before he and I got together. It was part of me with my ex, but the relationship was so dysfunctional and I was more a sex toy to him as he got me at 16 as a Virgin and was my first sexual partner, etc. He was into kinky shit and doing things to me, but didnt talk to me, didnt tell me things, didnt ask for my permission, he just DID stuff to me all the time. Some I liked, some not as much, he was so all about sex all the time and it left me feeling I had no room to express myself on my own terms, if he had backed off and given me some breathing room I may have been able to express myself back. I didnt pursue him or crave him or ever want to give him a blow job. I was repulsed by it with him actually. So it wasnt until I got out of that marriage, and met my current husband, that I re claimed my sexuality, I became the aggressor, I felt free to express that side of me and safe with my now husband, I didnt with my ex.

So I love this man more then you can imagine and love to make love to him and fuck him and play and serve him. I cant even put it into words, hes amazing.