TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2022-07-17 16:05:30 (UTC)

Family: Part Whatever

My sibling and extended family were visiting this week and just left. I always feel strangely sad when they go. For the most part I don't get a chance to talk to them. They are off seeing friends and doing things, I think I am sad over the idea that this time might be different. That he might take more of an interest in my life. I have an okay relationship with him. There is no discord, but it isn't close either. Things are left surface. I think he cares but he doesn't really show it.
I probably to some extent envy his life, though I hate to admit that. It's not like he's always had it easy. He struggled for a long time and is finally in a good place now. Most of me is happy for that. He has a great partner and job and a beautiful house, takes vacations and they do things together. I don't have that life. There is also a part of me that resents the fact that he moved off and left me to look after my mom alone. He is always talking about how people should just go live their lives. (Easier to say when you leave your sibling behind to do it all so you can appease your own guilt for not being more involved with your own mother.)
It's turned into a strange combo of loving him, envying him and resenting him and it usually takes several days after they are gone before I shove it all out of my headspace until he comes around again. I shove it away because I truly don't think I can resolve it. Sometimes feelings just are. Maybe I am justified and maybe I am not. They exist as is. Accept it and move past it. Once he's gone that desire for connection sort of falls away and I return to my normal routines. Life goes on.
I keep drifting into gray areas. Gray is manageable, it's the dark that I lose my way.
-TM




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