Gentleman ♀

Show-‘er? I Hardly Know ‘er

Hey,

There's really not much for me to talk about rn but I guess I've been even more depressed recently than usual. It's not like there's anything to be sad about, I just am. It really sucks. It's to the point that even my mom's pointed it out. She keeps asking me if I'm depressed, like, thanks but what am I supposed to say? Yes? I just keep telling her no or I don't think so. It's been really sucky though. I know I should be going out of the house so I force myself to go to the store and stuff but I sleep in the car all the way there then I'm miserable walking around until we get home. I also kinda sorta eat a lot. Not just a lot, almost constantly. According to my mom it's also because of anxiety. I'm not sure why anxiety makes me do this but now that I'm aware of this it definitely makes sense. It's also a habit that just takes me in circles. I eat because I'm stressed and I'm stressed because I eat. Ironically, I think stress is almost the only thing keeping me from some sort of eating disorder. I know it's not something to be taken lightly but my family (mom, aunt, and others) has a history or ED's and I myself used to try and eat as little as possible and throw up my dinners in the shower. Plus half the time I convince myself I'm some self loving girl boss who doesn't give two shits. I know that's the real me but anxiety dudeeee, it sucks!

Goddddd I’m worse than I thought. I didn’t notice till my mom brought it up but It’s been two weeks since I’ve really spoken to anyone other Han my family and the people at my neighbors graduation party. I also haven’t showered in like a week. My face looks like a mess and my hair is all greasy. I’ve been taking my meds and all that so I really have no clue what it is. My mom has anxiety and depression and skin picking disorder like me and yet she keeps telling me to just stop like it’s that easy. I would stop if I could! Does she think I like not talking to my friends for weeks on end? Being (playfully) mocked for never answering my texts? No! I feel like a horrible person for not responding and not hanging out. On one hand I feel like they hate me and don’t really want me to answer but on the other they probably think I hate them because I don’t answer. Im such a bad friend.

On the less depressing side of things, we’re leaving for DC tomorrow. Four am… yay… but it’ll be cool to see all of the stuff there. The monuments have to be cool right? Traffic not so much but oh well. I’m a huge fan of car rides though so good for me! 4 hour long car ride here I come!!! Music for daysssssss!… it’s 12 AM now and I’m considerable less excited. In four hours I have a four hour car ride to be on. Of course I’m still happy and excited, I just really don’t want to be in such a confined space with my mom for that long lol -.-

I’m debating wether to stay up later or not because on one hand I want to finish my entry so I can have a clean slate to write about my DC adventures (lol) and read some more of this interesting fanfic but on the other hand there’s no way I’m sleeping in the car so I should probably sleep while I can. I mean, I could theoretically write and read in the car tomorrow but what if I don’t have the motivation? Whatever, I’ll probably just write a little bit more till screen time turns on at like 1 or 1:30 then I’ll sleep. I think that sounds acceptable. For me at least lol.

Oh! I have some newsssssss. The first non-vacation related spill of tea in a while~ Guess who’s got a boyfriend????? Ha! You thought! It’s not me lol. Olivia has a boyfriend now! His name is Josh and they’ve been friends for around a year now. They volunteer/hang out at his families gas station and own a small YouTube channel opening Pokémon cards. They’re called the Pokéheads I think just so my future self can go watch it if I want. Or, if you want to, you could check them out. Please just don’t tell them I sent you lol!

I guess Olivia has a problem though… she doesn’t really like Josh. Well, she said that she sometimes likes him and sometimes doesn’t. Apparently he’s really bad at conversation and unconcerned about her in general though so I can’t blame her. She said I was the first person she’s told how she really felt about him. I told her to be honest with him. I reminded her how she felt when Vinny said he only dated her because he felt bad and didn’t know how to say no. Olivia agreed that it didn’t feel very good and I suggested that she think about it some more so she can break it to him sooner than later if she has to. It hurts more to be broken up with after months than after weeks. Idk how it’s gunna turn out though, I hope it goes well!

I should probably sleep now so I guess I’ll see you tomorrow or the day after when I’m in DC!!! Buh bye!!!

~ Gentleman