miss mess

midlife implosions
2022-07-09 20:58:37 (UTC)

caught

well, my wrecklessness....blew up on me last nite.

my husband and i were out for our regular friday nite dancing and drinks with friends at the place we love. and suddenly, cam was there.

further back in my journal, i've explained the dynamic with cam...as one of our "group" at the place we frequent on fridays. he isn't always there, but he used to be there alot...and it was in those times, that the seeds of what he and i are, we planted, years ago now. and boy have those seeds grown.

anyway....

there was a combination of "ingredients" last nite, that probably made for a dangerous recipe for me. there has been alot of stress and sadness regarding my pending divorce. it's made "life in general" feel very heavy. endings are not easy. so...last nite, i think i drank as a means of escaping some of the dark cloud i've felt wrapped around me at home on a constant basis. then...add to that...my husbands "mistress" showed up. i've mentioned her too....probably far back in my journal. he had an affair when i was in the worst part of my depression/menopause hell. it was short, but it happened. and now...this is the second time, she's showed up at "our place" in the last few months...once for his birthday and now. supposedly, they are random "show ups"....but i know better. i know they communicate. just like i knew when they were having their affair, but i never called him on it. still haven't to this day. and probably never will.

so first...i'm drinking to escape, then she shows up and then...cam shows up. imagine if you will...for an awkward, ridiculous moment...a booth full of our friends, that includes my husbands (supposedly secret) lover, and MY secret lover. and damned if the alcohol didn't go down even easier at that point.

so at the end of the nite when my husband and i headed home...i was feeling pretty..wreckless. in the old days of cam and i...it was these friday nites that i'd sneak out of the house, after coming back from our place. my husband would fall fast asleep....and i'd be gone for hours with cam. i'd walk to the end of the street, and he'd be waiting for me, and we'd find a place to feed our desire. after hours (sometimes until the sun was beginning to come up), he'd bring me back to the corner of my street, and i'd sneak back in the house. crazy. wreckless. exciting as hell.

last nite...as we got home...my wreckless insanity got the best of me. lit by alcohol, sitting next to his lover all nite, across from mine (turned on for hours because that's what happens to me in cams presence), and on the wings of the decisions my husband and i have recently made, that our marriage is OVER and we are DONE...

instead of staying home....and without sneaking out, i grabbed my keys and told my husband, that i was going back out. i've never done this. it was nearly one in the morning, and he was not happy at all. but...i wasn't going to be swayed from what i wanted. and i wanted cam. so i drove to a park that we "used" to meet in sometimes, and i called him and he came to the park. and we climbed into the back seat of my car, and fucked, and tasted, and touched and writhed...scrambling into all kinds of different positions, trying to satisfy the hunger we always have. it was glorious.

and then, after a while, while sitting in the back seat, still naked and talking...a car pulled up next to mine....and i looked over to see my husband. it was quite the scene, and something i'll never forget of course. all three of us will never forget it, although for two of us, the memory of it will eventually be something we laugh over...but that will take time. right now...its quite painful. i know that my husband and i have decided our marriage is over and that we aim to live our own lives...but this certainly wasn't the note i'd wanted it to go out on.

he said a few choice words, of course. this man has not wanted me for a very long time, in any way at all. we've been stale and stagnet for years, before deciding to divorce recently. but...this hurt him. and i didn't want to do that. cam and i have never been caught all these years, and here we are almost at the finish line of having to sneak around. almost to the point where we can be together openly. almost there. and then...in one wreckless hungry moment...the cat is out of the bag.

well...not entirely. my husband believes that last nite was the only time i've been with cam...and i'm letting him believe it. why would i tell him it's been going on for years?

so...after my husband drove away again...cam and i collected ourselves, and parted ways, as i headed home to face the music. but it was oddly calm and rational. my husband wasn't even angry. it was almost as if...he was glad because it gave him the better excuse of moving out earlier than we'd decided. he asked almost nothing about cam or cam and i. instead, he wanted to hammer out the details of our divorce and get things "settled" so that we can file and move on. we settled all the financial stuff that we knew we had to figure out. calmly, sadly, rationally, respectfully. it was odd. but my husband has never been a fighter, or one to get angry, or one to communicate AT ALL about difficult feelings or situations, which was a huge part of our downfall in our marriage. before i went to sleep, he told me that he still wants to remain the friends and family that we've talked about trying to maintain, even after our divorce. that still matters to him. he told me he didn't hate me, but that he was ready to be done and figure out how to move on and he just wants to get it over with now. very matter of fact. very calm. very rational. very sad. very respectful.

and this morning, he was headed to his brothers, as he does on many saturdays, and he hugged me before he left. i'm slightly confused by his behavior, but maybe he's just THAT ready to be done with this, and his natural way is to be positive while avoiding truths....so really, it's quite normal, i guess.

so.....yeah...all this happened. sigh. not how i wanted the ending to be, but it does seem that it pushed motion for the ending, rather than keeping things in limbo like we were doing, and maybe the sooner the better.

i feel guilt. i feel shame. not for being with cam. but for hurting and embarrassing my husband. i will not drown in these feelings of guilt and shame tho. i have a conscience....i have a heart., so i feel the shame and guilt deeply. but, i will move on from those feelings. i will not drown in them. they will not change anything. i'm a good person, tho readers here may think otherwise, because of my relationship with cam. he's my only bad. my only dishonest thing. my immoral indiscretion. but i AM a good person. i just fell in a kind of love that i've never known, with someone who isn't my husband. when i first began this journal, i knew i mite be judged for my actions, but i also knew that i was going to be honest and not lie too. it's my journal. my story. it gets ugly at times. i'm a good person, who's not always done things the way i should have. i accept me and all my flaws...and there are alot of flaws. but i'm not going to be sorry for loving who i love, or for not being able to feel what i CAN'T feel...for someone else. and i don't know if i'm trying to convince readers that i'm a good person, or if i'm trying to convince myself.

i'm going to pick myself up from this humiliating situation, and move forward. it was the goal to begin with...and now...the moving just begins a little sooner.




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