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2022-07-06 18:54:11 (UTC)

wicked

I don't have enough words, that I fully understand the meaning of, to use in describing just how I feel about the things I encountered today.
I like looking at art from that certain time period, or maybe it spans across time (renaissance?? or some other period) because of the way they painted the bodies of women as actually having distributed fat and it makes me feel better about my body seeing how beautiful they presented.
I feel like there are certain people who make certain things that should not be allowed because it causes ascension, whether from the music or the visuals or the dramatics in general. That bst x freak mashup, for example, is something that destroyed me. And this gorou edit is edging on doing the same thing and I can't tell if it's because I haven't broke through to that place (in life) where I could appreciate it in the way I feel like. I don't know. Maybe it's my age? Only time will tell. For now, I don't feel anything physically. It's a mental thing. That's how all sexual experiences have been for me.
except..that..but my body's just confused since I consider those things gross and sometimes its random and somtimes its intrusive thoughts that make me wanna kill myself.

so ive never experienced anything. ever. so idk if i can really say that anything is hot at all. what does hot even mean.
i cant be sexually attracted to anything if i cant actually feel sexual at all.
i dont have the desire to have sex with anyone because i wouldnt feel anything, as far as i know.
so i dont know what to call those things that make me feel, mentally, that i should be able to give it a label that expresses how much i feel *something* about it or find it aesthetically (?idk how to say, mm spicy aesthetic? lol noooo) pleasing.
i find it attractive, on many levels, i guess. but for something to be attractive, that means you want something with it right?
in these cases, i both wanted to look away (in that, omg that persons naked, sort of look away from indecency or woah-ness) and imprint what i was seeing and hearing into my brain so i could always see and hear it because DANG--
that sort of attractive.

i guess it doesnt matter. im still never watching those again. might bookmark them but i wont watch, its like theyre scalding to the touch, at least to my mind.


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