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2022-07-06 07:44:07 (UTC)

Facts of life

Yesterday I read Cut. Online, of course. It only had like 3 chapters. I enjoyed reading it. Reading and listening to music really is a vibe. But then I finished it and went to find another and went through 5 book and numerous book reviews slandering them. That was pretty enjoyable too.

I'm reading Suicide Notes (I know how this sounds and honestly, what did you expect? Of course I'm going to seek books that involve topics that relate to myself, even if it goes into way more depth) now. I wonder about the way this character looks. Does he look as nonchalant about everything that happens to him in the story as he seems to in his writing/monologue, or does he actually look as much of a mess as he seems to feel inside despite not explicitly saying it?

Some facts of life are that the way I look makes me want to die. My social performance makes me want to die. This is all teenage angst and I'll forget all about it in the future and go on to live lavishly. I envy a lot of fictional characters for the way that they lack a filter (in my case I don't really have a filter, more like a wall, and when I do manage to get words out, it's like it comes through an accidental crack, stuttered sentences, meaningless) and are endlessly motivated (that's as fictional as it gets lmao) in school and life and people and just about everything. For some reason, I feel too tired to try making anything but a snack (which is already premade so I'm not putting any effort into it anyway) on this too bright (at least it isn't a golden- ) morning. I've been awake since around 3-5am or whatever. We're not getting any fast food from now on except for on Sundays, I hope this change will work. Apparently we're seeing Thor on Thursday or Friday so that'll be cool, I guess. I don't know. I live for Loki despite knowing like nothing about his character besides the fact that he wouldn't 'give up the spear' and he tried to destroy New York City and he kind of hates Thor. He's also a big green lover. And he's a stolen frost giant child but only found out later on. Well, that's the kinda info Fanfics provide you with so whatever. I mean the same kinda spoiler crap happened to me with Tiktok and Fanfics. Like I got spoiled on a whole portion of the anime I hadn't gotten to, AND I can't tell if some parts I've read are some fanon events or actually about to happen. I haven't managed to watch a single episode of that anime in like months.

Reading that book makes me realize just how much personality or tone or just,you know, the way a person speaks and feels and interprets things can be conveyed through what they write and how they write it. You can convey your amusement without actually saying you're amused or using some random acronym or actually putting in a few awkward 'ha ha's. I'm not great at that though. Sometimes I'm literally too lazy to even write in my actual, physical journal because I don't wanna get out of bed or off my device. I wonder how much about of my personality could even be gathered from the small notes and doodles and drawing and rants and paragraphs I have in there. I mean, I'm sure there are a few diagrams (I use that word loosely) and references (like music/bands, movies, shows, characters, people, places, films, phrases, influencers) that could give some sort of peek into my thoughts and interests.

I don't know exactly what it means to be boring, but if boring means being able to at least communicate with people properly and not be dying inside, I'd take it.

no but really what does Jeff look like and why is his name Jeff?
I mean when I pictured bro I just saw some short (bc teen and i wish more teens fit into the short category given their age so i felt less short like wtf even are the ppl at my shcool--) white kid with brown hair and brown eyes and a daring face (cmon with the crap that hes been doing, this guy has GOT to look devious) (oh wait hes turning 16 in the summer os thts...). I can't exactly picture facing in my mind but I can imagine that this dude just looks annoyed/bored at a lot of the crap going on around him given the way his tone sounds. anyway i wanna see more interactions between him and the frex girl because its adorable and like maybe she reminds him of his sister. i wish i could communicate properly like that, even with my little cousins im an awkward mistake. anyways.