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2022-07-05 17:46:35 (UTC)

probably embarrassed

Reading with music has a vibe.

Thinking because of a scene. During that trip, I was not myself, given (and hoping) that the person I become in front of people I'm not comfortable with is not 'myself.'
I wonder if they're embarrassed, my siblings and parents that is, to have a kid or older or younger sister like this.
If maybe me walking with them through those buildings is something that they're ashamed of. If they think of me as an embarrassment in their family like I do.
If they're sad I turned out this way so early.

If so, I wish I could convey my apologies, but that wouldn't be enough.

Im so ugly and awkward I embarrass not only myself
cant even cope correctly
i feel like ive failed so soon its ridiculous

I don't know. This part where her little brother (probably like 7-8 or something) visits her in the center thing and he gives her a card really hit me. I have a little brother, although it doesn't feel that way. I /am/ a part of a family and hold a role as a younger and older sibling. But I never created that sort of older sibling and little bro vibe between us because I've just been a moody f^^k my whole life. We're both immature , a tiny age gap does that I guess. I wish I acted better. When I'm with my family it's like I forget everything, all my problems, until the topic comes up or I see a picture of myself- then I really remember myself. When I'm enjoying my time with family, I don't think, it's just my mouth's turn to, well, mouth off. I get to turn my brain off and just be there. Then I return to my room and I'm back in my mind again.
Would my brother bring me a card if I got sent off to a place like that?
Could I have even reached a point like that?
I hate the idea of me becoming even more pathetic of a child to my family, a burden.
I feel bad for them and the delusion they believe in that let them tell me I am beautiful or smart. Maybe it's old age.

I love my family, all of them, although I may not know how to express it, or how to ignore the things they've done in the past. And I'm sorry for being the way I am, even the aspects I cannot help. And I wish I didn't feel bad about it all. I wish I cared less. I wish I could express my gratitude for them not disowning me better. I wish for a lot of things. I wish I weren't so lazy that I don't work for any of these wishes.