miss mess

midlife implosions
Ad 2:
2022-07-05 16:15:00 (UTC)

wreckless love

one of the things i've discovered about myself during my relationship with cam, is that i dont' like things routine or normal. i'm not saying that i don't value security, cause of course i do. but what i mean here is..."relationship wise". and the two areas that matter the most to me are sex...and conversation/communication.

in my marriage...

sex only in a bed. sex only at nite. sex as a duty. routine sex, just for the sake of of providing an orgasm to someone, so that i could sleep. that's how sex was, even before all the bad things happened in my marriage. regular. content. comfortable. routine. BORING AS SHIT. there were many times during my marriage, i'd try to get my husband to do something daring, or different....sex in the back of the car after leaving a restaurant, or in own back yard...and a multitude of other things. even "I" didn't realize at time, that i needed more than i was getting. i just knew i was bored. there's a difference...trust me. i craved things that i didn't know i needed. but it never mattered...because my husband would not play. he liked the same routine that was always comfortable to him and over within minutes, while he slept peacefully, and i was left feeling very alone.

and communication with my husband has been difficult to say the least. we talk easily about surface things...what needs to be done in the house or the yards, with the cars, making plans for family events, talking about our girls or grandkids, weather, where and how the dog poops (no joke). but should ANY kind of conflict arise, no matter what it was about, he's like a wall. he has always claimed that he doesn't like conflict, because it leads to arguing and arguing is something he refuses to do, so...conversation would also be something he wouldn't do, lest it lead to argument. but let me tell you...sometimes you NEED to argue! sometimes things have to get a little ugly to find any kind of beauty. he KNEW that i craved deeper conversations...he KNEW that i needed to talk out unpleasant feelings or rant at him if he's someone upset me. but...he would not, EVER be a vessel for that. again...leaving me to feel very alone.

when cam happened...it was DURING my depression. i was in a place where "escape" from the mundane life i was living...because something that felt like life or death. I....JUST....NEEDED....SOMETHING....THAT....MADE...ME...FEEL. the danger, the wrecklessness of the journey i embarked on, was not how i expected to find this, but it opened up parts of me, that i didn't even know existed. they weren't just closed...they were buried before they'd ever even been able to come to life...and then buried over and over again, until they were so deep that i didn't even know they were there. and it was like cam, reached beneath the layers and years of dirt and mud, pulling myself out of ME...and letting her come to life, and suddenly, in HIS presence....EVERYTHING was FEELING.

the sex...oh damn. i've never been able to convey the hunger that comes over me with him. it's insatiable, and it's raw, and it's carnal. i need all of him, everywhere, all at once. i didn't even know i had desire like this. it's made me feel alive, and feminine, and wild, and free....and desired. so desired. there isn't a move he makes or a touch he gives, that doesn't convey the desire he feels for me. i'm in constant awe. the excitment breeds this wreckless, daring, boldness that i find absolutely beautiful. sex at the top of park jungle gyms, up against walls in parking lots, back seats of cars, public restrooms, hotel rooms. and with a fire that burns to a degree that you can't see anything else around you....you only feel the flames licking you from head to toe. he's strong, and he's young, and he can go for hours! i had no clue that i would love that, but damn....i love that. he's treated my body like a playground that he wants to memorize, finding every single ride that will take me....somewhere....and he's allowed me to do the exact same with his body. there is an openess sexually between us...that i never imagined people actually have. i'm not young...i've been around...and i've never experienced anything like what i have with cam. it's out of this world. i can't even just sit in his presence (no touching) and not get wet. he lights a fire in me, with just his presence.

and conversationally...we dive deep. we take any kind of conflict as a challenge of debate. no argument, but heated, passionate exchanges in thoughts or feelings....that often times lead to sex lol. it's just such a turn on, to have HONEST conversation that isn't surface. to go deep, to pry into each other and share things and find things that we haven't shared or made available to anyone else in our lives...has been amazing. there is nothing that we can't talk about...and there is never a time we run out of conversation...unless it turns to sex. we know each others minds and hearts deeply on every level. to be able to talk for hours, about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING...still blows me away. but mostly, i've realized how much i NEEDED to be able to "talk".

being with cam has filled things for me that were long empty....sexual satisfaction, and a communication that exposes every vulnerability and joy. we have had very rough patches. this beautiful man is 20 years younger than me, and i see his being with me as taking away alot of opportunities for him. but he sees it differently, and doesn't want me to rescue him from me...but instead let him love me. we've broken up over this...his swearing that he no longer wants children...and only me. i can't give him things that younger women can. but over and over...he tells me to stop trying to save him from me. he tells me that he'll never find what he has with me...with anyone else. and because i'm old enough to know better...i believe him. i've never found what i have with him, and i know that i never will again. so...after years of back and forth...we are giving into the idea of an "us". theres always been an "us"...but now...an "us"...that isn't hiding. that's open. there is no denying for me...that this love is real. more REAL than anything i've ever known. it grew differently. it will continue to grow differenty. maybe that's the trick.

with my decision to leave my husband, our conversations have been deep and often. he is willing to respect the space i want to maintain for myself and to preserve all the beauty of what he and i have. he understands what i'm saying when i tell him that i never want things to be "regular" or "routine" with him. he understands that i never want to live with him, and he understands WHY....without it making him think that i somehow love him less than i do, but instead seeing that it's BECAUSE of how much i love him. we are seeing eye to eye....on the upcoming changes in my life and the chances that those changes will provide for "us".

we met in the park on sunday. it was a beautiful thing to meet in the open. to hold each other, kiss each other....in the open. we sat on a blanket for hours, talking, talking, talking....looking into each others eyes (something our precious journal does not allow us to do), and ALWAYS touching. and when desire got the best of us...we found a beautiful tree that hid us while we had incredible sex. it was our first time in a year and seven months. thats how long we've been apart physically this time. we've talked everyday during that time in our journal. he's been to the place we frequent for dancing and sat across a table from me. but...we hadn't been ALONE in all that time. and it just reminded me even more...that wreckless love...is not just fun and exciting....

its something i NEED, and very much want in my life. if i'm a bad person for wanting that kind of excitment or daring...then so be it. i want my conversations to be deep and exciting, and i want my sex to be deep and exciting. i guess i'm bad.

i'm okay with that.

if he's choosing to love me, then i'm going to choose loving him as well. and in doing so, i realize that i'm also choosing MYSELF, for the first time in my life. and it's liberating.

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