miss mess

midlife implosions
2022-07-01 16:41:27 (UTC)

quit for the second time

so last nite my husband and i decided for the second time, that we are done. this marriage is over. it's not working and neither of us is happy. we'd made this decision a while back...and we overturned the decision in order to keep trying. but neither tries. it was HIM last nite to say that this just isn't working and he's tired of being unhappy. it was a HUGE relief for me, to hear this come from 'him". it's usually me, saying how unhappy i am, and therefore it's usually me looking like the bad guy. this was a mutual decision, without anger or animosity. we are just....done.

even with that decided and said...it will take time to be official. we have decided not to the tell the kids, until we've absorbed this more for ourselves. neither of us wants to deal with their emotions over us splitting up, on top of our own not yet fully absorbed emotions. the thing is, even tho we have both decided that it's for the best, we both still feel alot of sadness. it's hard. i feel some releif that i'm going to have the opportunity to find whatever truly makes me happy, but it doesn't erase the sadness over an ending.

for now, we will still reside together, and have agreed to maintain the parts of us that "work"...like friendship. like room mates. like parents to our children and and grandparents to our grandchildren. basically we will stay as we've been staying for the last years of misery, but with the stress of this decision behind us. unless something changes before the first of the year...we've decided that's when we will tell the kids, and that's when he'll move out. and we've decided to remain amicable thru out, because even tho we don't have what a marriage needs to work in healthy ways, we still care about each other, and our family. we've no desire to fight, or get ugly.

i don't know what these next months will look like. if it's too hard to stay living together until january, then we'll adjust our plan. but he and i really do "get on well" with each other. it's literally just "couplehood", that doesn't exist between us. so i see us being fine as we slowly separate. i see us remaining friends and family. it's what i'd like anyway, and he claims he wants the same thing.

so today sort of closes a chapter and opens a new chapter all at once. it doesn't feel real yet. i'm still feeling more sad than anything. i feel a little emotionally scattered. but i do KNOW, without a doubt, that this is the right thing, so i just have to muddle thru these feelings of discomfort. sometimes the right thing is hard. but it doesn't mean it's not right.




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