Nick's Journal
2022-07-01 12:07:13 (UTC)

Let's Get Narcissistic

this entry is about me. all about me. this morning, I woke up and, like an idiot (as I do every morning) I opened instagram. the first picture to greet me was Juliann with her new man and baby bump taking a honeymoon in the city we started building our lives in. there were the old places we were at. the old friends we had. the only difference was that I was replaced. erased. like a bad memory.

sigh. I sound way too bitter. I'm really not bitter. I am happy for her and I do lead a happy life. I live the best life I can possibly live given how badly I've fucked it up. what I feel is sadness. there must be some word (at least in German because they have a word for everything) for that feeling of loss you get that just kind of sits upon you like a weighted blanket.

that feeling where you are in the shower and you are contemplating, is it better for my mental health to just unfollow her (listen to me sounding like a spiteful teenage at 40 years of age)? but I don't want to lose all contact with her. we were together for so long, we spent our formative years together, alone, us against the world. we were building a life together until I slowly dismantled that brick-by-brick with my addiction. I just don't want to lose contact either. but it hurts so goddamn much.

and I try, I try to tell myself, look Nick you're happy for her, she lives a good life now, god knows she deserves every happiness in the world, focus on that. but the narcissist in me whispers. 'you've been forgotten' 'replaced' 'erased'. you're nothing but a ghostly image that sometimes haunts her dreams, from which she wakes with a shudder wondering what it took her so long to leave.

but I know the latter is not true. she stayed with me and she was strong. you know sometimes I think about her leaving. like how hard was that on her? how hard, do you imagine it would be, to leave someone that you've loved, married, grown up with all because they are hopelessly killing themselves. I remember the last night I saw her. the night I tearfully said goodbye to roquefort (that was the last time I petted my pup). I couldn't stop throwing up. like what does that do to a person? to see someone they love just dying and knowing that you have to leave because otherwise...well, what more can you do?

great, I thought writing this entry would help me but here I sit with tears in my eyes. it's just something I have to live with. I can mend relationships with others but not with her really. I can't show her who I am now. well, we send each other updates. via instagram. she sees me. that's a reason no to unfollow. much as it hurts, I just want to follow her happiness.