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i have that song stuck in my head,
‘been running up that road,
running up that hill,
running up that building.’
that’s just how it feels right now.
told muki he would need to move to a different room if he felt restless and he explosively got up and left. a lot of his reactions have been explosive recently, since stan decided to be a dumbass during joe’s pride party. he keeps defending himself by saying it’s his way of processing stuff, but i know when he is torturing himself versus constructively mulling it over. for a highly logical guy, he certainly knows how to be the opposite when he wants to be.
it drains me, balancing myself, and balancing him. but i think being in a relationship means recognizing that and helping each other slow the process. clog the drain. but the only thing that’s clogged right now is my husband’s head. he clearly needs his space and i wish he was better at communicating it.
time feels as if it’s frozen. like the day was paused since summer began and i’m living out one real long day until i’m back to work. i wonder what living without anticipation would be like, a sense of calm rather than my jittery nerves jumping and screaming at each other. i was grateful that muki told me he could recognize when my anxiety starts up. it means he really loves me and recognizes me. but the way he pulls himself away from me makes me think otherwise, even when he says that’s not the case. people don’t pull away from you when they’re happy with you.
i wanted to tell him that i felt like he had been blaming me, but i knew that would’ve started an argument too. i know he would tell me that i can’t make everything about myself. but stan’s actions towards me that day, is what causing muki to behave so erratically. like it’s short-circuiting his frontal lobe, his personality and judgment have gone astray.
it feels good being able to vent in a place that feels like i can be listened to without judgment. no matter who i tell my concerns to, i always feel that i’m being judged. it’s a part of me. muki says i tell people what they like to hear, and i care a lot about what other people think. he feels minimized when i tell him to behave himself in situations where he felt like he was just being himself. it’s very tricky. i don’t know how to get him to self-regulate in those instances, because i certainly can’t do it, especially when i’m feeling “heightened” as he calls it. a very good word.
words. i never realized how much i appreciated the right order of words. i don’t care about spelling, grammar, or dialect - as long as i can receive the message being sent. i felt so excited to learn ASL again and muki called me a grandma when i tried to teach him. but there are times i want to communicate with him and i can’t do it verbally. he acts, in proportion of, not in reflection to, my actions. meaning he will amplify whatever it is i’m currently feeling, and that’s often dangerous since neither of us are good at auto-regulation. an angry me means an angry muki and vice versa.
i wish i really did have that time to know him prior to marrying him, but people get married for more stupid reasons. the connection was right at the time. and though the connection is right now, i think we both have sufficient fear that the connection will fizzle if we’re not careful. i see the same patterns my parents and my family entered going into a relationship - starting out with love and compassion, inching ever so close to resentment and self-destruction. i never wanted that to happen. i never wanted to be married because i knew i would probably be incapable of sustaining love. now it feels like i have all this love and it’s not enough. muki doesn’t look at me the same way anymore, he never wants to have sex with me, and recently he has been emotionally untouchable. i just feel like a burden to him at this point. i know he’s even forgotten about my journal.
i can’t bring myself to address this because he isn’t in the right state of mind. the last time i asked him why we haven’t had sex, it didn’t end well. he basically told me that he doesn’t want to do it with someone who thinks sex is just intercourse. he conflates intimacy with sex and gets angry that i don’t share his world view. he argues that kissing, cuddling, and hugging are things that are all sex to him. but to me, that’s just intimacy. he tried so hard that day to get me to see that his Steamworks visits, where he gets fucked by a bunch of different guys, doesn’t count. So i guess it’s “not sex” when we’re getting physical, but it’s “just sex” when he’s physical with someone else. his logic makes me want to bash my head against a wall. but i still trust that he is telling me the truth.
muki, muki, muki. i remembered in high school telling myself i’d never pine over one guy. and now he is all i talk about. i wonder how my family truly feels about him. he is a little scared of them though. and i truly am confused about the way he sees Jacob. it scares me when he brings his name up, more often than i do, even though I think of Jacob every day. he confessed one day that he had “strange” feelings towards him bc of me, but those feelings have since resolved. i just don’t know how i am supposed to feel.
is it my jealousy? my anger? am i fixating on negative thoughts again? at the same time, i feel empowered to keep being me even if it hurts others. because that is life. it is struggling and suffering, growth and change, beauty and pain all in one.