It is time now that I begin to live
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2022-06-30 04:34:04 (UTC)

The effects of summer

In my little corner of the world we have had weird weather this year, but finally the temperatures outside and the calendar are in agreement.

But this is not the summer I am writing about. There is another summer happening in my life right now. Small smiles, stolen kisses, deeper comradery than I have felt in a long time. I felt it when I kept winning hands of cards. But I still went to bed alone last night. I texted my husband at 1am to let him know I was wondering where he was. I know where he was though, he was downstairs on his phone. He has been steeling off places with his phone alone lately. He has been suspicious of my activity on my phone lately, even creeping up on me while I was searching on Amazon to see what I was doing. But, he did come to bed eventually. The next morning I was awake and turned on. In an attempt NOT to just take care of it myself quietly while he was sleeping, started to grope him. Normally this is ignored, but this time he started to return the favor and then tugged at my waist band. I took the hint, removed all hindrances, and he was very quickly on top of and in me. So… the count down begins again, I can no longer say it’s been since February. But now the question in my mind is why? Why does his behavior shift. Is it external, meaning not me, is he turned on by someone else he is texting?

This is the hardest thing in marriages right now I think.

I know my husband has talked with others in the past, as have I. Our troubles between the sheets started before any of that though.

I want so much to trust this closeness. I want to just revel in having had intimacy. But I don’t trust it, I haven’t trusted for a long time. But I still had an unshakable confidence walking beside him today.

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