Evolving marriage
Ad 3:
2022-06-29 16:22:34 (UTC)


Dear Diary,
Bleh, still feeling crummy. Its mostly just a very very run down feeling, no energy, I get up to do stuff and its just exhausting to do much.

But my brain has all these things it wants to do and thinks about. I even planted myself in a chair and scrapped some paint off out back in the shade for a bit. But ran out of steam just doing that, so was short lived. Its hard as there are so many things I want to work on. Ugh, and I want to go walking in the am, we even said we would try this am, just a short walk, but neither of us were feeling it. I have a lot of drainage from my sinuses in my throat, ick. Have to take some stuff again today.

Funny thing was, after we fooled around a few days ago, I then was able to just mellow out. Finally over the "horny" hump I guess? But then again I didnt take any cold meds at all yesterday, and I think when Im on them, I feel MORE relaxed if that even makes sense to think about sex as my body is relaxed all over. I was online a lot yesterday with my laptop. Im in a hometown group online and we have been having fun on there with memories, photos, etc and my long time male childhood friend and I are on there, and just the banter, I laugh out loud sometimes or smile. I have written about him, we have been friends since babies, lived 5 houses apart, we have been apart of our lives so deep like family, we have both lost our parents, he always says he marvels at my memory and things I say.

So my husband came in yesterday as I was sitting on the couch, he was done with work, I hadnt showered all day, I am so not in the mood to cook a darn thing since being sick much these days so told him I was on strike from cooking last night, but I could make an Acai bowl! We talked about getting take out, then he said "How about you come in the bedroom and lets do some more of that edge of the bed stuff?"

I love him! Its so funny, the one day I felt so non sexual, he approaches me, but see Im different, I dont just shoot it down, I said "Hmm is that what you want to do?" as I wanted to make sure it wasnt him trying to just be obligatory as we had just talked the day prior about him pursuing me and desire and that I need feedback etc from him. He said "Well lets get in there before I dont feel good again" I said "Can I hop in the shower real fast? I havent showered today" and he said sure, I just wanted to feel good in my skin and do a rinse off. Brushed my teeth and came in the bedroom naked. Kissed him and then felt light headed, haha, told him to come lay down on the bed. I havent been on top of him since being sick as I literally am so low energy or was too achy for that, but had him lie down and laid on top of him, massaged his chest, and hes below me looking up at me. It was so nice and mellow and slow because Im low energy and just resting myself against him naked felt so good. We werent all fully aroused and ready to go just then, we even both said "Im not sure how this is gonna go" being sick and all, but it was nice, we did that for a long while and he got hard and kissed me, sucked on my nipples(my fave!) and then of course moved inside of me.

It felt so good! I am actually craving him lately, just him, no toys or sleeves. Sure they are fun, but I think since IM low energy also, the other stuff takes so much out of me. And with him its just right. :) I so badly wanted to orgasm while riding him but it just wasnt happening. Its like I find that right spot and then it kept peaking and fizzling. I will talk to my dr about it next appt. Im getting my lab work done friday and then my next appt to go over it will be scheduled and Ill see if she can give any feedback as to why this happens since I started hormone therapy.

We still had a great time and I got too tired and switched over to being on my back on the edge of the bed, he went at it quite a bit and forceful and it was awesome, and he came. Finished me off with a vibrator and I was light headed, legs wobbly, and we needed dinner. He just wanted to run and get Wendys (blech) but I said Id go with him, just get me a fry. Id rather make something easy at home then eat Wendys. So we did that, came home and sat out back on the patio furniture watching the swallows flying all around. We had a vulture the day prior fly over us and land in our tree, we dont normally see them up close, but circling in areas out here looking for prey.

Walked around the yard, looked at the grapes, we are going to have a ton this yr! And it started to sprinkle, its been cloudy on and off for days but no real rain, just a tiny sprinkle, and then we sat on the front porch after that until almost 10pm, it doesnt seem its that late when the days are long.

We did get into it a bit with some convos, and I was like Wtheck, they werent about sex, but after sex Im in such a relaxed chill mood vibe, and he wants have debates or try to make topics arguments of right or wrong, he gets intense, cusses, and Im like woahhh back up there.

Last night I said "Babe, whats with you trying to make everything about proving a point or somebody is wrong?" He said "its what I do for a living" and I said "Its stressing me out, you dont need to do that" and I told him hes alone too much, we dont have enough people around us, hes getting way more introverted and irritated by others, that its not good. And I had some flashback to my parents dynamic and my Dad isolating, not wanting people over, trying to control my mom, and so of course that stuff just flips my lid and I wont have any part of that.

I mean I made a remark of how much my sis said it would take to travel here gas wise and he just went off on that, saying its not true, to the point he had to get his phone, do the google maps, mileage, then a calculator and tabulate the math of how much it would cost her and dispute the remark she made. Granted, Im not my sister, I just said a remark she made, I didnt really care, I wasnt there to refute it, it really wasnt that important to me, and I said "Look, your arguing with me a comment she made, when I dont care, you really want to take this up, call her and say that" and it wasnt even directed at him or anything or about him, it was just a comment I made about a convo I had with her over a week ago, and he went to town on it and saying shes incorrect. This is what I mean, he turns things into this.

Ive been telling him he needs to learn to LISTEN more and not fix or try to prove a point. I said "Did I ask you "Honey can you solve or fix this?" and he said No, and I have to remind him he needs to stop that, its annoying actually , makes him come across as a jerk at times doing this stuff . Just seeing how much he needs to be out around people and socializing. Its been how long since we have had a family gathering (we always did it every yr with my family and havent in yrs since my Mom died) none with his family since his Mom died either. And then moving out of state and not having a community here, not that he had a lot of friends before but I was active in our neighborhood and we went to events there and walked and talked with neighbors regularly. And we had our Al Anon groups, we dont have one here and it sucks, its still online only and I hate that, which is why I like going to Ca, as I have loads of them, I can go to several in a wk. ANd since his surgery hes not in sports or shooting right now because he cant participate yet with the activities he needs to do, so hes truly even more house bound and isolated then ever. Just coworkers on zoom and the phone is his interaction and me.

I get away, I was just out of state and with all my neighbors there, Im part of a city group here, newly started but we are several mos in and so its putting me in meetings, with people and engaging in the community. Plus Im outside more, so Im chit chatting with my elderly neighbors. Ill be heading out of town again soon, to my hometown and will see my grown kids soon too. ANd many of my gfs, and friends in my hometown.

We have plans to stay at a cabin this wknd, but if we arent feeling better, that might get cancelled, we have to go out of town friday for his surgery follow up appt, so Im sure we will be fine for that, but energy wise a wknd away and packing for that and the cabin might not happen, just a day trip to town for some appts, my lab work and his dr and the hyperbaric and some food might be enough and just head back home.

So in regards to something, I think I may have mentioned it in a previous entry, not sure, but on being trans

A guy I have been friends with and sorta went out with but we just remained in the friend zone (the guy who came and slept at my house and looked all dishelved the one time)

He is transitioning. Ive never known anyone personally, and we lost touch for yrs and something told me to look him up. I removed him from my profile after my mom died, but he never messaged me to ask why or reached out or called me either, so? But he used to get me to events free, anytime I wanted, hed give us drinks, merch, my husband and I were dating then and we went to see him on more then one occassion, we even stopped to see him when he moved further away and had dinner with him, my kids and I. It was a strange friendship, he always had a gf, younger, and she always had alcohol probs and he was sober, but he was on prescription meds, so not really sober, just not alcohol and then other drugs, he was cool, I thought attractive, musician type. But when we first met, he told me "Im bi" and I had never met anyone who was bi either, but I just took that as a mental note and that was it, it wasnt somethign we talked about beyond that, he wasnt overtly sexual with me, we mostly talked about life, our kids, work, our lives, struggles, he was writing a book and sent me what he had so far, etc.

So when I found him not long ago online and the profile was a diff name and a woman but linked to his email, I thought it was his gf (he had a longtime gf last we spoke) but then I realized it was HIM. He is not HIM anymore

And once I reached out and we talked on the phone, for about an hour and caught up, hes been down a path, not a pretty one.

His life blew up, her life, you know what I mean, its still him to me I guess, even on the phone still sounds like him but hes been on hormones for yrs, has the breast surgery done, but we are back on social media together, and its really hard to read. Hes on all day, we arent youngins anymore and he reminds me of just like any other annoying friend you have who spends all their time on social media posting memes, political rants, and selfies with pouty lips. And its frankly annoying. I love hearing more from people who are living life rather then just using a platform to word vomit on a regular basis. I have a cousin like that, I never respond to his posts either. Im over it all. So I use the Snooze 30 days feature hoping they tone down and appear back in my feed calmer, but it seems not to be the case, same goes for a fave singer of mine, who I actually know and have met and hung out with on many occassions.

So yeah, I think back to the time I got close and intimate to the guy(now her) and talked of having sex, but it was wierd, I have kissed him, made out in the studio, and it was like once it came down to sex, the hotness wore off, the beanie cap came off and the receding hair line that aged him massively was in view, and I was on his lap and I came really quickly just from being touched, but then he didnt want to use a condom, said he hated how they felt, and I was frankly done once I orgasmed on his lap. And the idea of no condom did not interest me at all as I knew he got around and was bi so I wasnt messing around with that. I wasnt into giving him a blow job for a reason I wont write here, but it wasnt appealing. And that was it, we just hung out and talked from there on out, never talked about it again, he never pressured me or nothing, we were just cool. But then I wrote how I think I may have been drugged at an event of his I went to, he had drinks made for my gf and I, and I got so sick that night, and I always attributed it to not having eaten before hand, it was Jack and Coke, but wow, I got so sick, missed the whole event I was so sick, my gf took care and looked after me, but we ended up hanging in his office, me on the floor literally under his desk chair so sick sprawled out and it never dawned on me. Till we reuninted and he told me how his life fell apart and what transpired which I wont put down here, but he became super reckless and risky and got in legal trouble and lost everything as a result. Where I realized if he was doing all of that, of course I could have been in the mix. How many times did he set up people that way with his position? For sexual play? What if my gf left me alone in his office and attended the event? I was okay with her going but she told me "IM not leaving you" and she sat in the office talking to him while I was out of my mind sick for hours. I vomited so much that night and have never had an episode like that in my life. One drink trashed me, I threw up at a pizza place over and over again, was ont he bathroom floor, I threw up in a trash can walking back to the event. I threw up in the toilet and trash in the bathroom of the event, it was so bad I didnt even care, I wasnt self conscious I felt so bad I just let it out. We got me saltines at the liquor store and I laid on the floor eating those in his office.

So I wonder if he drugged me, and why he was always so nice to me and wanting me to attend everything and for free and hooking me up with stuff. What did he want out of it? So when we reunited and I got caught up and the rundown, he made reference 3 times during the call of me giving him $$, which I knew he was struggling, but we just reunited and are talking, and it felt manipulative the way he kept saying it and I didnt bite.

We havent spoken since, other then a few texts the days that followed, just saying he was glad to hear from me, but its like trying to talk to me as a gf now, and hes all about nails, hair, clothes, very exaggerated, and slutty, which isnt my style either, so its not like any of my gfs.

Im all for doing your own thing and all that stuff, but the way hes gone about his change has been very destructive and he doesnt seem to see that with all hes done and gotten in trouble for, hes used his sexuality as a tool and very blatantly in abusive ways, and I wonder "How on earth did we even become friends if hes doing this shit?" I dunno, not sure what to think about it all.... I wonder if I should have left it alone and not reached out and all that and left the past where it was...

I dont have to go any further with this either, and that gf and I are no longer speaking that was with me that night to where I can tell her all this, and I wonder did she suspect anything about him as she refused to leave me alone, but then she always gave me a hard time about me and my drinking when that was not a norm for me at all. Im usually a 1 drink gal who works it slowly, 2 if Im going all out and even then I dont usually get sick like that ( I got out of it once with hubby when dating and in a jacuzzi, but it was the heat and the alcohol but I didnt throw up)

that night I only had 1 drink when I got that sick and I still dont like Jack and Coke, just tasting it bring back the memory and the drink tastes disgusting to me now.